- Irving Berlin: [title card] Lord Help the Mister that comes between Me and My Sister.
- Milton: So I check into this dirtbag motel, where the owner's a really, really nice older lady. She treats me like my grandmother. She cooks for me; she lets me stay here for free; and she also appears to be over 100 years old. The only thing is, is that she has to perform oral sex on me once a week on Friday.
- Landlady: [in a sing-song voice] It's Friday!
- Kendra: So, I move into this dirtbag motel. Where the owner is such a sweet, older lady. She treats me like my father. She lets me watch free porn; gets me the best drugs; and sometimes late at night, she even sneaks into my bed to sleep next to me.
- Landlady: Saturdays are pretty sweet, too.
- Kendra: And okay, yeah, I make out with her when I need to. But that's neither here nor there. My name is Kendra Stevens, and I'm off to do some good.