- Jeff Winger: This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.
- Annie Edison: We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.
- Professor Hickey: Why?
- Annie Edison: Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.
- Jeff Winger: Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.
- Carl: How much is this scampy little hole in the earth gonna cost us this year?
- Insurance Man: Well, your gas leak is repaired. All your fire exits actually lead outside. And I am told that no new species have been discovered here in a week.
- Shirley Bennett: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general. And I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me, it's your strength.
- Jeff Winger: You got something in your teeth.
- Shirley Bennett: Mm-hmm, you got something in your chest.
- Insurance Man: For the final stage of my appraisal, I am going to randomly select one of your vending machines to see if it can be rocked using human strength enough to tip and crush me. Now, in the U.S., each year, six people die this way, and five of them are insurance appraisers, so I take this very seriously.
- Dean Pelton: [Over PA] Attention, students and faculty of Greendale. I pressed this button on accident but might as well check in. How are you?
- Greendale students: [In the background] Fine.
- Dean Pelton: [Over PA] Aw, that's nice. I'm good too. I love you guys.
- Greendale students: [In the background] We love you, too.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff's heart is in the right place, but he's wrong. Greendale is a crazy place where crazy things happen. I have a plan. We'll pretend our school has a world-renowned physics department. Dean, start learning Swedish.
- Dean Pelton: I'll do my best!
- Abed Nadir: Hickey, do you keep in touch with any unstable criminals that you busted?
- Professor Hickey: Mmm, five.
- Abed Nadir: Get them down here for costume measurements. Annie, we need to make a particle accelerator out of Kleenex boxes.
- Jeff Winger: Nope. Nobody do any of that. Abed, outside.
- [He takes him aside from the others]
- Jeff Winger: There is no story.