- Jess is tasked with keeping a frantic Schmidt occupied as Coach and Cece go out on a date. Meanwhile, Nick and Winston meet a frisky bus driver as they search for a missing Ferguson.
- Jess suggests to Nick that they stay in for date night. Nick thinks it means a romantic dinner and "Homeland," Jess was thinking sex on the couch. Her thing sounds fine to him.
Winston asks Nick to watch his cat Ferguson so he can go out to meet human women. The fact that Winston specifies "human" women, indicates to Nick that it's a really good idea that Winston get out.
Schmidt comes in with a steaming pile of cobbler and emotions. Coach is going out on a date with Cece. Jess thinks this is great for Cece because Coach is super hot, and reminds Schmidt that he blew it with her, so he has to be OK with it.
Coach comes out of Schmidt's old bedroom and announces he's going to a basketball game tonight with Cece. Coach tells Schmidt all he has to do is "say the word" and he'll cancel, but Schmidt insists it's OK. Jess and Nick sit and listen in paralyzed horror as a series of high fives and weird reassurances pass between Schmidt and Coach as Schmidt inadvertently gets him fired up for his date. "Yea, that first class a--is sitting in Coach tonight! And my seat is going to be in an upright and locked position," Coach announces.
Schmidt keeps insisting he's fine, which Nick knows means he's not fine.
Flash back to Nick consoling fat Schmidt in college that there will be other open mike nights, with sturdier stools. Schmidt says he's fine and then begins trying to strangle himself.
Back in the loft, Nick expects Schmidt to crash the date. Jess suggests they take him out to help him move on, but Nick just wants to keep him somewhere safe. Nick apologizes about canceling date night. "That's OK, we can have date night when we're married-" Jess blurts, trying to cover with "Merry Christmas."
Waiting for Coach, Cece calls Jess for reassurance. She's wondering if the fact they're both going through a break-up makes the date a bad idea. Coach arrives and struggles to put words together, going with his best super chill attitude, which makes him sound like he got kicked in the head.
Jess and Nick keep Schmidt company on the couch. Winston comes home early from his evening out. He thinks it's possible he forgot how to talk to women.
Flash to Winston asking a woman if she ever wonders if someone in the bar has killed someone, then showing another a picture of Ferguson in a cowboy hat.
Back in the loft, Winston notices that Ferguson doesn't come when he's called and then that Nick left the window open. Nick is torn between helping Winston find the cat and staying to help Jess with Schmidt, but he leaves.
Schmidt decides he's ready to say "the word" to get Coach to cancel. Jess decides to try to take his mind off her, first by singing, then tap dancing, then stories of 10th grade. It doesn't work. Schmidt notices the coach is nice brown leather. It reminds him of Cece. Soon, he's face deep in two pillows. Jess announces she's getting him out of there.
Nick and Winston drive around looking for Ferguson. Finally, after Winston calls the cat his "best friend," Nick tells him to stop being pathetic. Winston gets a text that someone found the cat.
At the game, Coach is trying to impress Cece by buying her tons of gear. She has a headband, sweatshirt and giant foam finger. He buys her seven pretzels. "When I agreed to go on a date with you, this isn't exactly what I expected," Cece says. Coach, whose nervousness has made him both obnoxious and shy, takes it as a compliment.
At a bar, Jess builds Schmidt up to go talk to a woman. "She's on a flip phone, Jess. That means she's either poor or a time traveler," he says.
When Jess leaves Schmidt to talk to a woman, he tells her his soul mate is at a game and he has to go stop it. He runs when Jess looks away.
Winston is reunited with Ferguson at a woman's crummy apartment. She explains to Winston that she's a pet owner, too -- a hamster. She's done with the pick-up scene, although it looks like the pick-up scene is more done with her. When Winston says he feels the same, she thinks it's too bad and flirts with him. Well, hello there.
She invites Nick and Winston to dinner, she has bologna that comes in the foil package. Winston is sold when she mentions pudding cups.
Schmidt tries to make his way to the Staples Center, but stops to buy chocolates, so he doesn't come empty handed. "Do you have anything that says 'I'm sorry for cheating on you, please don't sleep with my friend'? Of course you don't," he says.
At the game, Cece is now weighed down by two giant buckets of popcorn. She gets annoyed that Coach is texting and finally tells him he should just be with that person. She dumps the popcorn and leaves.
At odd hamster-owning Bertie's house, Winston wants to learn more, over white bread and bologna sandwiches. She used to work in a shoe store, sold Christian t-shirts for awhile and got her tubes tied. "I like driving a bus. Get to put whatever I want on the dash, it keeps the darkness away," she says.
Nick is skeeved out and tries to end it, but Winston is into her, finally happy to talk to a woman. When she gets up to take her stomach medicine, Winston asks Nick to take Ferguson home so he can stay and "see where this goes."
Coach follows an angry Cece out of the Staples Center. He tells her he was texting his mom. When she doesn't believe him, he shows her the text: "Go get her, Boo boo." He admits he's nervous because he just got out a relationship and doesn't feel like he knows how to date anymore. Cece knows how he feels. She softens. "I just want to buzz some Drake and get up on you, gurl," Coach oozes. "See, you're doing it again," she says. He stops. They both relax.
Jess pulls up alongside Schmidt and his box of chocolates. He wants to tell Cece he loves her, but Jess says he can't. He knows. He tells Jess he's about to start running away from her again and the only way for her to stop him is to hit him with her car. He stands in front of it and slow jogs away, telling her to do it for Cece. She lightly taps him with her bumper. Schmidt freaks out, not believing she really did it. "These are my favorite utility khakis!" he says.
A cop pulls up behind Jess and startles her. She taps the gas and actually hits Schmidt, rolling him up onto her hood.
Schmidt tells the cop Jess was just being a friend. "I hit him because I care about him," Jess says. "You guys are into some weird stuff," the cop says.
Back outside the loft, Schmidt tells Jess he isn't fine, but he will be. They see Coach and Cece making out after their date and decide to wait it out. Half an hour later, they're still at it.
At Bertie's place, Winston smoothly asks for some of her stomach medicine. He chugs it. She asks if he's staying the night. "Oh hell yea," he says, and they jump on each other.
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