Rick Ford: Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.
Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.
Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife!
Susan Cooper: Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!
Rick Ford: Well I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do: Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age.
Rayna Boyanov: My father used to bring people like you here.
Susan Cooper: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?
Aldo: One day, lady superspy Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.
Susan Cooper: Well, here's to your mom.
Rayna Boyanov: To my mother. And to you.
Susan Cooper: And here's to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl but you'll always be a hoot to me! Haha.
Rayna Boyanov: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You're delightful.
Susan Cooper: As are you.
[they clink their glasses]
Rick Ford: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick Ford: No, you are.
Susan Cooper: No, you're going to!
Rick Ford: You... times infinity!
Susan Cooper: And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast... No wonder your dad never had the son he wanted; you fuck that monster once, and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.
Susan Cooper: [wakes up next to Ford] Aaaaah!
Rick Ford: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it!
Susan Cooper: Ugh, God.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck! People are trying to kill me and all that's left of my security guard is you two and you look like someone's demented aunts on vacation! You!
[Points at Susan]
Rayna Boyanov: Don't you have someone in your team other than this asthmatic big bird?
Susan Cooper: [rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!
[lands in wet cement]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I'm very non-physically resourceful. I read a lot of intelligence, I read a lot of poems, and I've read all of the 'Hunger Games'.
Rayna Boyanov: How is that helpful?
Bradley Fine: [has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.
Tihomir Boyanov: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley Fine: Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st-
[sneezes and accidentally shoots Tihomir in the head]
Bradley Fine: Oh, fuck...
Susan Cooper: [on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?
Bradley Fine: I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? You play it too safe.
Susan Cooper: Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."
Susan Cooper: Yeah that's never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others, uh...
Susan Cooper: Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan Cooper: I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.
Elaine Crocker: Susan, I read your assessment report on Rayna Boyanov. I know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term "thundercunt."
Aldo: How do you like my English accent? I learned it from the Downton Abbey!
Susan Cooper: And by the way, I can see your gun, unless you're SO extreme that you have a second dick coming out of your hip!
Susan Cooper: Give me your fuckin' coat.
Anton: This is a man's coat.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, but I don't see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.
Susan Cooper: You're a loud kisser.
Rayna Boyanov: Excuse me?
Susan Cooper: You're a loud kisser, and it's gross and unappealing. You look like some old toothless woman suckin' the jelly out of a donut.
Anton: You're both named Amber?
Susan Cooper: Whoa, what did I tell you about talking to me?
Anton: Nothing. You said nothing about talking.
Susan Cooper: [holds up her fists] You want me to have Cagney and fucking Lacey explain it to you? Cagney's coming down your fucking throat. Lacey, she's gonna come up your ass. I'm gonna meet them in the fucking middle and play your heart like a *fucking* accordion. I'm gonna pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch!
Anton: You wouldn't dare!
Susan Cooper: You gonna cry, you little Swiss fucking pussy?
Anton: I'm not gonna cry.
Susan Cooper: You're crying now!
Anton: [voice cracks] I'm not! It's so fucking hot.
Bradley Fine: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are! Oh Bradley you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!
Aldo: [Yelling] Hey, heroic lady! In my country there is a saying about women like you, "Hot as fuck!",
Susan Cooper: Oh God. Not now, Aldo!
Elaine Crocker: [referring to Susan's disastrous training video] I must have watched this fifteen times now because what the fuck? I almost put it up on YouTube.
[Susan orders drones to blow up enemies and allows Fine to escape]
Bradley Fine: Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!
Susan Cooper: Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever, fuck you.
Susan Cooper: I knew you liked me!
Susan Cooper: Hey! Fuck you too.
Susan Cooper: How long was I out?
Rayna Boyanov: You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.
Susan Cooper: What happened?
Rayna Boyanov: It was all a dream... I'm just kidding. A man's throat dissolved.
Susan Cooper: Nice copter! Where'd you get it?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It's 50 Cent's! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me!
Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson: I'm a motherfucking spy. Let's go shoot somebody else!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Simmer down, 50 Cent or I'll mount you again!
Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson: This day is just getting better and better!
Nancy B. Artingstall: He wants me!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don't condone this sexy yet reckless behavior, Susan Cooper!
Bradley Fine: Baccarat. Exquisite.
[throws his champagne flute to the floor]
Susan Cooper: Oh my God, Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.
Susan Cooper: I pulled up my file.
[puts file near the keyboard]
Elaine Crocker: Jesus, not my keyboard with your pinkeye infected fingers! Why don't you just cry directly into my mouth while you're at it?
Susan Cooper: It's got a Martha Stewart had a breakdown feel.
Susan Cooper: [commenting on Rick's clumsy rescue entrance] He means well.
Susan Cooper: [having stabbed her opponent] Oh, that's clean through.
Lia: Thanks for your weapon.
Susan Cooper: Well, you know, it's been inside you, so I don't think it should go inside me...
Sergio De Luca: What's going on at the CIA? Drones taking all the cool assignments?
Susan Cooper: So, you need me De Luca, and I'm not gonna help you unless you keep Fine alive.
Sergio De Luca: Now, let me get this straight, you work for the CIA, yet your're willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man's life. Why would I believe that?
Rayna Boyanov: Because she's in love with him.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn't even know it. Too dumb to know I'd do anything for him.
Rayna Boyanov: The moment I saw you standing there in that abortion of a dress...
Susan Cooper: Ah... Come on.
Rayna Boyanov: It was as if to say "This is what I've got, world. It's hideous, but it's mine."
Nancy B. Artingstall: This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments.
Patrick: [Shows Susan a bottle of Stool Softener pills] If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.
Susan Cooper: Have I done something to you to upset you?
Susan Cooper: Get your hands off my boobs!
Rick Ford: I'm saving you!
Susan Cooper: You motherfucker, I'm gonna report you to HR!
Rick Ford: [holding onto Susan's legs, the two of them dangling from the landing skid of DeLuca's helicopter] I can't get a grip. Your pants are too slippery! You should've worn coarser pants!
Susan Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't wear my fucking sandpaper pants!
Susan Cooper: So, what's the plan, who are we meeting?
Rayna Boyanov: You're my body guard, not my business partner, so just focus on guarding my body.
Susan Cooper: So not knowing who we're meeting tonight is gonna make me extra effective. That's okay, I get it. I got shit to do. You'll probably be fine. why don't I go get you a nice dress to be buried in? Dumb ass.
Rayna Boyanov: [disgusted] Oh, God! One of these dead fuckers just shit his pants.
Susan Cooper: [referring to Anton] Does he not look like a bag o' dicks?
Susan Cooper: I need you to untie me now.
[Aldo motions to untie her]
Susan Cooper: That's my ass!
Aldo: It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.
Susan Cooper: You're just simply grabbing my ass.
Aldo: Oh, I am sorry.
[Wakes up, sees Ford sleeping next to her and screams]
Rick Ford: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it.
Susan Cooper: Oh God!
Rick Ford: I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn't. And now Fine's *dead*. I'm going the fuck in.
Elaine Crocker: You can't. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected... And that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can't be any of you.
Rick Ford: Here's what we do... I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it's me.
Elaine Crocker: Do you have quarters? Because it costs 50 cents.
Rick Ford: What, I gotta pay?
Elaine Crocker: *No*, because it doesn't exist
Rick Ford: Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter.
[Points to Cress and Wright as they look down, hiding there laughter]
Elaine Crocker: I'm sure they were pulling your leg.
Rick Ford: You pair of fucking vaginas!
[Cress and Wright burst out laughing]
Elaine Crocker: Seriously? You've got to cut that out.