CollegeHumor Originals (TV Series)

Batman vs the Penguin (2013)

Pete Holmes: Batman

Quotes 

• Commissioner Gordon : Batman, you have to know what dea-I mean, your parents were shot and killed.

  Batman : My parents were shot, yes, but they're alive. On a special farm.

  Penguin : Oh, boy.

  Commissioner Gordon : They're on a farm?

  Batman : They're on a special happy farm, where they make buttermilk. They romp and play. There's a hammock made of dreams.

  Penguin : I-I can't even...

  Batman : They write me emails.

• Batman : My fish. He went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet. He's in the ocean right now. He's alive.

  Penguin : No, he's dead.

  Batman : Doctor Fishy! No!

  Commissioner Gordon : You see Batman, what you did to Doctor Fishy is what you've done to these men.

  Batman : I overfed these men?

• Batman : [about his enemies after he kills them]  They go to sleep, like me. Then they wake up, like me. Usually with a boner. I call it the bat signal!

• Penguin : Batman, what do you have on your wrists?

  Batman : I'm not wearing hockey pads!

• Commissioner Gordon : [after Batman kills Penguin with an assualt rifle]  What happened to no guns?

  Batman : This is a gun?

  [Penguin's dead body flinches and Batman opens fire hitting him in the chest, stomach, legs etc] 

  Commissioner Gordon : You're an idiot!

  Batman : Ssh! Not so loud.