- Sarah: Why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck thinks about my sexuality?
- Blaire Bennett: There's a sentence you don't hear every day.
- Ted: John the apostle. Jesus had an apostle named John.
- John Bennett: Holy shit. Those were like... like his buddies, right?
- Ted: Yeah. There was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Johnny, Blitzen, and Larry, Darryl and Darryl. There's no doubt anymore. I'm the lord Jesus Christ.
- John Bennett: Okay, then don't do it for Dad. Do it for Mom. Look, she's really bummed out right now and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. Look, I know it's gonna suck, but...
- Ted: But, it's like I say in The Book of Romulans: Turn the other cheek. Do unto others. Say it, don't spray it. I'll have what she's having.
- Blaire Bennett: You're an idiot.
- Ted: [to John] Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?
- John Bennett: [to Blaire] Four hell points.
- Ted: [to Blaire] Four hell points.
- Blaire Bennett: What the fuck is a hell point?
- Ted: It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, will be tortured forever.
- Blaire Bennett: [to Matty] Well, then I guess you're an intolerant prick, just like he is. Have a good Christmas with "Truck Hitler". I'm out of here.
- Ted: Well, I Jesus the shit out of that one.
- Blaire Bennett: You? You didn't do anything.
- Ted: Ah, I worked in mysterious ways.
- Sarah: How?
- Ted: Where there was only one set of footprints, that's where I carried you.
- Blaire Bennett: You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.
- Ted: When it most appears I'm not Jesus, that's when you need faith.
- Sarah: Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?
- Ted: Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper and they gave him the chocolate factory. I mean, I think that's what happened. I'm reading, like, two books at once.
- Sarah: They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.
- Ted: Wait, what?
- Susan Bennett: It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn't it?
- Ted: They killed him?
- Sarah: Yeah.
- Ted: Oh shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
- [to John]
- Ted: Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?
- Blaire Bennett: [offering Sarah some food] You want some of this?
- Sarah: Yes, please.
- Matty Bennett: [interrupts Blaire] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Hey!
- Blaire Bennett: What? What? What?
- Matty Bennett: It's Christmas Eve. We got to say grace, thank the Lord.
- Ted: You're welcome.
- Blaire Bennett: [sighs] Fine.
- Matty Bennett: Dennis, would you like to do the honors?
- Dennis: Absolutely. Bow your heads.
- [everyone except for Ted and Sarah bow their heads in prayer]
- Dennis: Dear Lord...
- Ted: Yes.
- Dennis: Thank you for this food...
- Ted: No problem.
- Dennis: And for these blessings...
- Ted: Anytime.
- Dennis: Make us thankful.
- Ted: On it.
- Dennis: And may we serve you...
- Ted: Mashed potatoes.
- Dennis: Hey, what the fuck? You wanna say grace?
- Ted: Nah, I'd feel like an asshole.
- Susan Bennett: Amen. Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.
- Dennis: Now you can eat.
- Blaire Bennett: Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission.