- Himself - Host: [to the camera] welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns I'm your host Zach Galifianakis, this a Oscar edition of Between Two Ferns, a special Oscar insight to "Oscar" nominees and all of their Oscar "buzzness" around them. My first guest is Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer thank you
- Jennifer Lawrence: thank you
- Himself - Host: I got a beef to pick with your costar Bradley Cooper because he had told me in real life that you were...
- Himself - Host: [looking in his notes] I wrote it down, I want to make sure I got it right, ugly
- Jennifer Lawrence: wow
- Himself - Host: and I've got to be honest I don't know what his talking about, unless he was joking with me, you're good looking
- Jennifer Lawrence: [remains silent]
- Himself - Host: you were in a movie called The Hunger Games...
- Jennifer Lawrence: [interrupts him] yeah isn't that your life story?
- Himself - Host: [irritated] you shouldn't say that, that's "off pudding"
- Jennifer Lawrence: you should be "off pudding"
- Himself - Host: [remains silent]
- Jennifer Lawrence: because your fat
- Himself - Host: [confused]
- Jennifer Lawrence: you shouldn't eat anymore pudding
- Himself - Host: yeah, when you take on a project like Silver Linings Playbook, what draws you into that character? What spoke to you?
- Jennifer Lawrence: I think Tiffany taught me a lot about...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts her by pressing the red button and music comes on and Jennifer is escorted off the stage by Misty] this is the Oscar edition, good luck
- Naomi Watts: [Naomi Watts enters] Hi Zach
- Himself - Host: [shakes each other's hand] welcome
- Naomi Watts: nice to meet you
- Himself - Host: you're from Australia and I hear that the toilets work backwards and have you ever read about that? I guess for you it's backwards here and it's backwards for us in Australia
- Naomi Watts: No, it doesn't do that
- Himself - Host: when you're in a movie do they shrink you down? So, you can fit into the camera? How does that work?
- Naomi Watts: I know I've been shrunk too many times I have to stop working for a while
- Himself - Host: are there side effects?
- Naomi Watts: just diarrhea
- Himself - Host: [Zach presses the red button, music comes on and Naomi is escorted off stage by Misty] thank you
- Himself - Host: [Christoph Waltz enters they shake hands and he sits down] thank you for joining us
- Christoph Waltz: thank you for inviting me
- Himself - Host: Christoph Waltz is here from Django Unchained, I got your text about not bringing up your Mein Kampf tattoo. Have you thought about changing your name to "Christoph breakdance?
- Christoph Waltz: I have but it doesn't really make sense...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts him] what is your preparation to get ready for a part?
- Christoph Waltz: that's none of your business to tell you the truth because I think it's...
- Himself - Host: [talking over each other] it is my business, you're on my talk show...
- Christoph Waltz: [talking over each other] you completely over value these stories about actors, they preparations...
- Himself - Host: [talking over each other] I have questions to ask you, you don't sit there and run your mouth in English, French, German or Italian and say that's none of your business, it's all my business...
- Christoph Waltz: [talking over each other] you realize magicians wouldn't dare to tell anyone how they do their magic. tricks...
- Himself - Host: [looking at his notes] do you say the "N" word more in Django Unchained or in real life?
- Christoph Waltz: [jokingly] more in real life
- Himself - Host: [presses the red button, music comes on and Christoph is escorted off the stage by Misty] I think that's it
- Christoph Waltz: [to Misty as he gladly walks off the stage] where have you been? Thank you
- Misty Monroe: my pleasure
- Christoph Waltz: please...
- Anne Hathaway: [Anne Hathaway, enters, hugs Zach and sits on his lap] Hi I miss you, where do I sit?
- Himself - Host: [points to the other chair] you can sit on this chair
- Anne Hathaway: you're funny
- Himself - Host: yeah
- Anne Hathaway: your really funny
- Himself - Host: right
- Anne Hathaway: I like you
- Himself - Host: thanks Anne, so how much have you had to drink today?
- Anne Hathaway: you don't know that, you can't prove it
- Himself - Host: to be honest, I smelled it on you...
- Anne Hathaway: [stuttering] no that's my perfume, it's not that at all
- Himself - Host: what's your perfume's name?
- Anne Hathaway: [singing] sucks to be you right now...
- Anne Hathaway: [presses the red button, music comes on to Misty she's dragged off the stage by Misty to Zach] ow, ow, ow, what the... What!
- Anne Hathaway: my bag's busted
- Himself - Host: [Zach hands Anne her purse] thanks Anne
- Anne Hathaway: [to Zach as she's pulled off the stage] you're busted
- Amy Adams: [Amy Adams enters] hi
- Himself - Host: hello
- Anne Hathaway: how are you doing?
- Himself - Host: good Amy Adams is here everybody
- Anne Hathaway: [waves to off camera] hi
- Himself - Host: you have red hair and...
- Amy Adams: yes, I do, guess what they used to call me in high school?
- Himself - Host: cinnamon muff?
- Amy Adams: [irritated] no they didn't call me cinnamon muff
- Himself - Host: what did they call you? Fire crotch?
- Amy Adams: no, strawberry short cake, it's a small child's doll
- Himself - Host: you know I find you to be a wonderful actress
- Amy Adams: thank you
- Himself - Host: can I give you an acting challenge?
- Amy Adams: ok
- Himself - Host: I'm going to show you a line and I'm hoping you can do it with as much weight and gravity to it as possible
- Himself - Host: [showing her his notes] I'll say action
- Himself - Host: action
- Amy Adams: [saying the line] don't you ever fart on my tits again
- [segment ends]