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Bill Burr: [discussing the Lance Armstrong doping scandal] I didn't think Lance owed anybody, uh... he didn't do anything to ME.
[Conan laughs]
Bill Burr: You know what he did for me? He raised $500 million for cancer research, that's what that lie did.
[audience cheers]
Bill Burr: And everybody had the bands on, remember the bands? Right? That blocked out the sun.
Conan O'Brien: Yeah. Pfft. No, it wasn't to "block out the sun".
Bill Burr: No wrist cancer?
[Conan laughs]
Bill Burr: No, the whole thing was annoying, and I hate how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this. Like, she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't, like, wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level. Didn't she, for like, the first five years have midgets who wanted to bang the mailman's boyfriend?
[audience laughs]
Bill Burr: And she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't have the power to say no, so she rode it out. And then when she could make a good decision, she did a show. But she stood on the heads of those little people for five years,
[Conan laughs]
Bill Burr: until she got, and then she's sitting there across from this guy like, "so how could you...". You know exactly what he's doing! It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Conan O'Brien: [still laughing] Oh God...
Bill Burr: Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle, all right? As far as I'm concerned, we got off easy.
Conan O'Brien: Yeah.
Bill Burr: If that guy was working for a corporation, he probably would have been pourin' stuff in the water supply, doing God knows what. Just keep him on the bike, just let him go up and down the hills, he's not hurting anybody.
Conan O'Brien: Not hurting anybody.
Bill Burr: He isn't. AND, the top twenty guys, like, all tested positive for 'roids. So OUR roided-up guy beat YOUR roided-up guy. Okay?
[audience cheers]
Bill Burr: And those guys who run that filthy sport,
[Conan laughs again]
Bill Burr: who are sittin' there goin': "Oh this is absolutely, this is ridiculous, he doesn't represent cycling", are they gonna return all the money that they made off that guy? They gonna turn in their yachts? They're not gonna.
Conan O'Brien: [amused] Turn in their- "everyone turn in your yachts."
[laughs]
- ConnectionsFeatures House of Lies (2012)
- SoundtracksLego House
Performed by Ed Sheeran