Leonard Hofstadter: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What happened?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them, and suddenly you're unprofessional.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry... that I asked.
Raj Koothrappali: So, then I went to Cambridge, which was wonderful; not only because it's a good school, but because it totally looks like Hogwarts. That's where I fell in love with astronomy and now I'm an astrophysicist at Caltech, so I guess you could say, uh, Raj is my name and stars are my game. And rhyming is also my game. So, uh... two games. Uh, anyway, that's uh, that's enough about me; I want to hear everything about you.
Lucy: I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj Koothrappali: I go to the bathroom too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I've had it checked out; it's nothing.
[Lucy heads off]
Raj Koothrappali: This is going great! Can I have a refill on my chai tea? Ah, yes, I've a good feeling about this.
[Lucy sneaks out]
Raj Koothrappali: I should have bought condoms!
Howard Wolowitz: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Jeez. How close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look under that rock.
Raj Koothrappali: I was humiliated by yet another woman.
Howard Wolowitz: You didn't kill her and chop her up, that's not what we're smelling, right?
Sheldon Cooper: How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as monkeys screech loudly off-screen] Fine. Just hold on.
[yells at monkeys]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mommy's on the phone!
[Back to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms; those guys were mellow.
Raj Koothrappali: [asking Lucy why a date ended badly] Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's OK. I can take anything. Unless it's something I did, or said, or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.
Raj Koothrappali: I kind of have a hard time around people I don't know.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
Lucy: I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window, and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. Me neither.
Lucy: Then what were you doing there?
Raj Koothrappali: I lied, I love them. I only said that so you'd go out with me.
Lucy: You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.
Raj Koothrappali: That's great! I'm broken too.
Lucy: Oh, no, you're not.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, I totally am! If it wasn't for this beer, I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable, psychological problems.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe brain damage.
Lucy: How do I know you're not just saying that?
Raj Koothrappali: Go out with me on one date, and I promise you you'll see.
Lucy: OK. Text me. Bye.
[starts to leave]
Raj Koothrappali: [yelling at her as she leaves] You won't regret it! I'm the most pathetic guy you've ever met!
Raj Koothrappali: And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.
Penny: [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon Cooper: She's remarkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: She really is.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon Cooper: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
Sheldon Cooper: A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn't the compliment it sounds like.
Sheldon Cooper: If our friend the flag's taught me anything, it's to go where the wind takes you... as long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole.
Raj Koothrappali: From now on, I-I-I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yelling at her test monkey] Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette; well, I'd like a normal boyfriend! Deal with it!
Sheldon Cooper: I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.
Howard Wolowitz: Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents 'Fun with Flags'. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week in honor of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by the Man.
Penny: Maybe this time you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open you're inviting them in.
Sheldon Cooper: Right. And which one do I want?
Sheldon Cooper: So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon Cooper: Gosh, Penny. What'd you have for breakfast, a big glass of good-question juice?
Howard Wolowitz: [to Lucy] I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you're... only gonna get like three or four more chances before you are history.
Penny: [Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches] Oh, hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Uneasy] Oh, hi.
Penny: Do you want me to close so you can do your door thingie?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't going to do it.
Penny: So, what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: I just wanted to thank you for helping me with Fun With Flags...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. And I found your acting advice helpful...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. So I guess the answer to the question "who did a good job" is you...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny.