Barney Stinson: [Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister] That's my sister, Ted!
Ted Mosby: I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.
Barney Stinson: There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?
Ted Mosby: [Sarcastic] I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.
Barney Stinson: You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent...
Ted Mosby: Pierced.
Barney Stinson: Really, where?
Barney Stinson: Don't answer that! Now I know why I felt what you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you...
[whispers in Ted's ear]
Ted Mosby: Big-time.
Barney Stinson: Nice, high-five
[high-fives Ted, but... ]
Barney Stinson: No, NO! Retraction Five!
[high-fives Ted again and reverses words]
Ted Mosby: Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.
Barney Stinson: I never banged your mom!
Ted Mosby: You just did that winking again!
Barney Stinson: No I didn't.
Ted Mosby: Okay fine. Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially...
[whispers in Barney's ear]
Barney Stinson: [Aghast] Friendship OVER!
[marches out of bar]
Barney Stinson: I need you to proxy bang this girl for me. Be my stand in and put your gland in.
Barney Stinson: My body is detoxing after years of one night stands. They don't make gum or a patch for this Ted, but hey, billion dollar idea alert.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged] You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
Marshall Eriksen: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see.
[looks at Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.
Lily Aldrin: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God, Ted! Your wrist.
Ted Mosby: [looking at his wrist without the leather cuff] Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen, I must've strained it by lifting.
Barney Stinson: I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. The one wearing the male birth control.
Robin Scherbatsky: I was gonna go with chastity bracelet.
Barney Stinson: God, is it possible to love you more?
[Barney and Robin kiss]
Ted Mosby: Really? I just saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, you know what, guys, leave him alone. He is a hero.
Ted Mosby: Thank you!
Marshall Eriksen: [pauses] You think your super strength came from wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?
Barney Stinson: Ted, I'm desperate. Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff, and I got a partial for Marshall. Did you bang that girl yet?
Ted Mosby: Don't get your hopes, or anything else up. I tried to connect with her, but everything just comes back to her weird fetish about how old I am.
Barney Stinson: Well, just go simple. Does she like TV?
Carly: [Flashback] No... but I'll watch 60 Minutes with you as loud and as long as you want.
Barney Stinson: Sports?
Carly: [Flashback] No... But I bet you look super hot playing Shuffleboard just slathered in Bengay.
Barney Stinson: Does she like books?
Carly: [Flashback] No... But I bet you do. I bet you have a big... thick... pair of bifocals.
Ted Mosby: She doesn't have daddy issues. She has grandaddy issues. I'm ending it.
Barney Stinson: Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. That's going in the journal.
Ted Mosby: Did you steal my dream journal?
Barney Stinson: No, now get back in there before all your teeth fall out and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School in a play you never rehearsed for!
Ted Mosby: Bastard! We don't connect on a single thing! I'm ending it!