Matt Damon - Host: Siri, who is the greatest stand-up comedian in the world?
Siri: Definitely *not* Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.
Matt Damon - Host: Well, that's a given. But do a search for a world-class comedian in the immediate area who can come finish my monologue.
Siri: Searching for a world-class comedian in the immediate area.
Siri: I believe I have found someone close to you.
Matt Damon - Host: Well, send him in.
[Enter Robin Williams]
[Ben has been trying to override Matt's attempts to smear Jimmy Kimmel]
Ben Affleck: Forget it, Man! I couldn't do it to JIMMY!
Matt Damon - Host: [as Ben is leaving] Aw, come on, Ben. Please!
Ben Affleck: [to Matt and Jimmy] I never wanted it to end this way.
Matt Damon - Host: [Ben has left] He doesn't even LOVE YOU the way I love you! You'll see!
Matt Damon - Host: [to the audience] He'll see.
[after Jimmy's repeated attempts to audition for the role of David Norris in "The Adjustment Bureau"]
Emily Blunt: [to the director] What is this? Is this a pity reading?
Jimmy Kimmel - Host: No no no. Don't think like that. You're here on your *own* merits.
Emily Blunt: But I've been cast.
Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] Will you tell her she's here on her own merits?
Emily Blunt: I've been cast in this movie.
Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] She thinks this is a pity reading.
Matt Damon - Host: [opening introduction] From Hollywood, it's *this idiot's show*!
[picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the caption "Idiot"]
Matt Damon - Host: With Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and musical guest Matt Damon. Da da da dahhhh, It's Jim-my Kim-mel Sucks! Finally, MATT DAMON!
[after seeing a montage of all the times Jimmy bumped Matt]
Matt Damon - Host: [diabolical laughter] We ran out of time. We ran out of time. That's, that's pretty funny. But tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you Jimmy? No, *I* ran out of time for *you*.
[Jimmy groans off camera]
Matt Damon - Host: What's that, Jimmy?
[camera moves over to reveal Jimmy Kimmel tied to a chair and gagged]
Matt Damon - Host: Is there a new host in town? And his initials are M. D. That's right! The *doctor* is in.
Matt Damon - Host: Jimmy, that's our cue. We wouldn't want to miss the opening sequence. Da da da, da da da, da da daaaaaa.
[cut to opening introduction]