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"Jimmy Kimmel Live!" Episode #10.319 (TV Episode 2013) Poster

(TV Series)

(2013)

Quotes

Matt Damon - Host: Siri, who is the greatest stand-up comedian in the world?

Siri: Definitely *not* Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.

Matt Damon - Host: Well, that's a given. But do a search for a world-class comedian in the immediate area who can come finish my monologue.

Siri: Searching for a world-class comedian in the immediate area.

Siri: I believe I have found someone close to you.

Matt Damon - Host: Well, send him in.

[Enter Robin Williams]

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[Ben has been trying to override Matt's attempts to smear Jimmy Kimmel]

Ben Affleck: Forget it, Man! I couldn't do it to JIMMY!

Matt Damon - Host: [as Ben is leaving] Aw, come on, Ben. Please!

Ben Affleck: [to Matt and Jimmy] I never wanted it to end this way.

Matt Damon - Host: [Ben has left] He doesn't even LOVE YOU the way I love you! You'll see!

Matt Damon - Host: [to the audience] He'll see.

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[after Jimmy's repeated attempts to audition for the role of David Norris in "The Adjustment Bureau"]

Emily Blunt: [to the director] What is this? Is this a pity reading?

Jimmy Kimmel - Host: No no no. Don't think like that. You're here on your *own* merits.

Emily Blunt: But I've been cast.

Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] Will you tell her she's here on her own merits?

Emily Blunt: I've been cast in this movie.

Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] She thinks this is a pity reading.

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Matt Damon - Host: [opening introduction] From Hollywood, it's *this idiot's show*!

[picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the caption "Idiot"]

Matt Damon - Host: With Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and musical guest Matt Damon. Da da da dahhhh, It's Jim-my Kim-mel Sucks! Finally, MATT DAMON!

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[after seeing a montage of all the times Jimmy bumped Matt]

Matt Damon - Host: [diabolical laughter] We ran out of time. We ran out of time. That's, that's pretty funny. But tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you Jimmy? No, *I* ran out of time for *you*.

[Jimmy groans off camera]

Matt Damon - Host: What's that, Jimmy?

[camera moves over to reveal Jimmy Kimmel tied to a chair and gagged]

Matt Damon - Host: Is there a new host in town? And his initials are M. D. That's right! The *doctor* is in.

[watch beeps]

Matt Damon - Host: Jimmy, that's our cue. We wouldn't want to miss the opening sequence. Da da da, da da da, da da daaaaaa.

[cut to opening introduction]

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[after Jimmy's attempt to audition for the role of Bob Tenor in "Stuck on You"]

Greg Kinnear: Can we look into Matt Damon? He'll do it.

Jimmy Kimmel - Host: If the movie was called "Suck on You" he'd do it.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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