Live from the star-filled International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton Hotel... our hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (who clearly did not coordinate their outfits).
Tina: "Tonight we honor the television shows that have entertained us all year, as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days."
"That's what makes tonight so special, only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat faced people of television," Amy cracks. (Cut to Quentin Tarantino fist-bumping someone, clearly proving that joke factually incorrect.)
Both Tina and Amy are nominated tonight.
Tina: "Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show business."
Amy: "We want to assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight because, as Ricky learned the hard way: When you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host the show two more times."
Shout out to the female nominees, including Lena Dunham ("Girls") and director Kathryn Bigelow.
Amy: "I haven't really been following the controversy over 'Zero Dark Thirty,' but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron."
(The room loves that one.)
Amy tells the people a little something about the HFPA which, when left untreated can lead to cervical cancer -- no wait, that's HPV.
Ben Affleck filmed his first two movies in Boston and then took the third to Iran, because he wanted to film somewhere that was more friendly to outsiders.
Tina compliments Anne Hathaway on her "Les Miz" performance: "I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars."
Tina, with schmaltz: "The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year -- and also what I call the six weeks it took me to fit into this dress."
Amy: "Ang Lee's been nominated for Best Director for the Life of Pi, which is what I'm going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off!"
Amy: "Meryl Streep is not here tonight, she has the flu -- and I hear she's ah-mazing in it."
Tina suggests cutting to treasure of the American Theater Mandy Patinkin after every Les Miz clip because he won't be able to hide if he thinks it's bad singing. Amy attempts to prove the thesis by making up a few bars of "I Dreamed a Dream," that involves going to get a sandwich. Mandy loves it.
Time to kick things off with Bradley Cooper and Kate Hudson.
(As Kate walks out, Lea Michele can be seen telling her tablemate: "Oh my god, she looks --" What? What?)
Time for best supporting actor in a movie (without clips or jokes). The winner is: Cristoph Waltz of "Django Unchained."
He promptly thanks Quentin for taking him on the journey, then lists a bunch of people who helped make the movie. He thanks two people for picking him up and putting him back in the saddle, but leaves out juicy details.
Kerry Washington and Dennis Quaid are up next to present best supporting actress for TV. The Globe goes to Maggie Smith, who is not there.
Well, that was fun.
Don Cheadle and Eva Longoria remind us the official walkers are children of famous people: the daughter of Francis Fisher and Clint Eastwood, actress Francesca Eastwood and the son of Tracy Pollan and Michael J. Fox, philanthropist Sam Fox.
The nominees for best miniseries or TV movie are shown. The Globe goes to: Game Change.
The director Jay Roach calls HBO "Heroic Brave Operation" and says it's a great place to make movies. He says with star Julianne Moore and Tina Fey they have three incredible impersonations of Sarah Palin -- counting Sarah Palin.
Then nominees for best actress in a TV miniseries, including "as a psychic who solves her own murder, Darcy St. Fudge, in 'Dog President'." (Cut to Amy Poehler in a red wig and fake teeth.)
The winner is Julianne Moore for "Game Change."
She says working at HBO was a wonderful experience and thanks the producers, screenwriter and costars, then hair and make-up and vocal coach. As the music starts to play her off, she thanks two people who she thinks make a big impact on the 2008 election: Tina Fey and Katie Couric.
Catherine Zeta-Jones is up next to introduce "Les Miserables" as best picture nominee.
The clips roll, the camera does not cut to Mandy Patinkin after.
Tina and Amy are back. Tina summarizes the cutthroat competition of "The Hunger Games" and explains it's the same process by which the HFPA chooses its president. Welcome Aida Takla O'Reilly.
As she ends her tenure, she's relieved to know that Jeffrey Katzenberg will never forget her name -- because he never knew it in the first place. She closes with a message to Bradley Cooper: "Call me, maybe."
Rosario Dawson is out next to introduce nominee "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel."
Then Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd.
Salma: "They drink, they do drugs, they lie, they have a huge ego and they are not to be trusted."
Paul: "But that's just their agents." (Bah dum bum!)
The nominees for best actor in a TV series drama. The Globe goes to: Damian Lewis, who shakes hands with Richard Gere on the way up. Because, why not?
He thanks the cast and crew, sweltering it out in North Carolina. He dedicates the award to his "Mum, who I know is up there tonight, looking down on me bursting with pride and telling everyone up there all around her how well her son is doing 'in acting.'"
Salma and Paul are back and start with awkward with silence. It's not a bit. Paul asks how everyone is doing. Salma says "it's something about the best..." as clips for Best TV Series -- Drama roll.
And then Globe goes to: Homeland. (Claire Danes had her baby less than a month ago and looks amazing -- a transformation even more unrealistic than any "Homeland" plotline.)
Executive Producer Alex Gansa describes Claire, eight months pregnant, carrying a lead pipe through a tunnel, filming being chased by Abu Nazir over and over, which is totally something they prepare you for in Lamaze classes.
Alex says goodbye to the actors whose characters were sacrificed on the altar of storytelling, without giving a spoiler alert.
John Goodman is out next with a very average looking middle aged man, who looks nothing like Ben Affleck, who played him (Tony Mendez) in "Argo."
He introduces the movie.
Jennifer Lopez and Jason Statham are up next to present Best Original Score. The winner is: Mychael Danna for "Life of Pi."
He calls it the film of a lifetime.
Next, Original Song in a movie. The winner is Adele for "Skyfall," who adorably high fives Daniel Craig when she wins. She had a baby in October and is just enjoying the night out with a friend, "we've been pissing ourselves laughing."
Kiefer Sutherland and Jessica Alba are next to present Best Performance by an actor in a miniseries, including "as a professional volleyball player battling restless leg syndrome, Damian Fransicso in 'Dog President.'" (Tina Fey in a Johnny Depp wig and pencil thin mustache.)
The winner is: Kevin Costner, who passes up a handshake with Richard Gere on the way up.
He remembers the first time he came into the room a long time ago after walking the red carpet and watched them celebrate the career of Gregory Peck. "I see a lot of friends out here, and people I don't know but whose work I have watched -- and maybe even borrowed. It's been a great ride and I want to thank the Golden Globes because it is a great night to celebrate. But more important, we get a chance to illuminate movies that maybe people might not have ever seen, and now they will, performances they might not have seen, and now they will. Thanks," he says.
And next, former President Bill Clinton, who gets an immediate standing ovation. He's there to introduce "Lincoln," naturally. The movies "reminds us that enduring progress is forged in a cauldron of both principle and compromise. This brilliant film shows us how he did it and gives us hope that maybe we can do it again."
Somewhere, John Boehner hears only crickets.
Amy comes back out, breathless, when he leaves. "Wow, what an exciting special guest -- that was Hilliary Clinton's husband!"
Tina comes out, still in Damian Fransisco gear to introduce "SNL" family members, Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig to present best actress in a comedy or musical.
Will says this year the HFPA asked presenters to watch the films in their category. They discuss Emily Blunt in "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen," which they are pretty sure involves salmon.
And Judi Dench. "Where did she come from?" Will asks, noting she used to be a police officer.
Jennifer Lawrence in "Silver Linings Playbook," which involves her taking a lot of silver for her cookbook.
Maggie Smith in "The Quartet," and no one knows what it is.
And "Mariyell Streep" who's the sassy sheriff in "Hope Springs." Cut to her costar Tommy Lee Jones, who could not be less amused.
The winner is: Jennifer Lawrence.
"What does it say -- I beat Meryl!" she says. Going on to thank her director and costar, then Harvey Weinstein: "Thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today."
She thanks her mom for believing in her, and her dad for teaching her to laugh. She thanks her brothers, saying she wouldn't be who she is today "without you being mean to me, but then really supportive and loving."
John Krasinski and Kristen Bell are out to present best actor TV. The winner is Ed Harris, who isn't there.
Jamie Foxx is up next to introduce "Django Unchained."
Jonah Hill comes out to present with Megan Fox (one of them has lost the baby weight). They introduce nominees for best supporting actress in a movie.
Anne Hathaway wins and acts surprised.
"Oh my gosh, this is happening! To the Hollywood Foreign Press thank you so much for having me in this room full of extraordinary artists who have changed my life with their work. Thank you for this lovely blunt object, that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt."
She thanks her fellow nominee Sally Field for being a vanguard against type casting; the Flying Nun gave the Princess from Genovia hope for a diverse career.
Amanda Seyfried and Robert Pattinson introduce best screenplay. The winner is Quentin Tarantino.
"Wow, I wasn't expecting this -- this is a surprise!" he says, coolly. He thanks his actors, noting that anyone who wins for a screenplay had good actors. He thanks the people who listen to his drafts as he writes. "I don't want input -- I don't want you to tell me if I'm doing anything wrong.... When I read it to you, I hear it through your ears."
Jeremy Irons is out to introduce "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen," which apparently does involve salmon.
Lucy Liu and Debra Messing are up next, to fight for space on stage with their giant hoop skirt dresses and to introduce best actor in a TV series comedy.
The winner is: Don Cheadle for "House of Lies." Lucy Liu whispers something to him as he takes the stage.
"She just said that it didn't really say my name, but she said it anyway. So thank you, Lucy," he says.
He thanks everyone at Showtime.
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are up next to present best foreign film.
Arnold says something in German and says it means "because English for both of us is a foreign language."
Sly: "I can't be as bad as you."
Arnold: "Trust me."
Sly: "You been here how long? It's embarrassing."
The winner is the Austrian film "Amour."
The director notes the irony of coming to Hollywood to be presented an award from an Austrian.
Nathan Fillion and Lea Michele are next to present best actress in a TV series -- drama. The winner is Clare Danes for Homeland.
"I have to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for being so insanely generous to me for so many years now -- I was up here when I was 15," she says.
She thanks her fellow nominees, who are helping to make TV the quality place it is now. She compliments the writers for not buckling under the success of the first season. She remembers breaking the news to everyone on the show that she was pregnant and thanks the costume designer for taking her pants out every week.
Sasha Baron Cohen is out next with a snifter of brandy and snooty put-on accent, channeling Ricky Gervais to describe the lengths his Les Miz costars went to get nominated. "Helena Bonham Carter gave the head of the academy a personal massage, which I'm led to believe had a much happier ending than the movie... Anyway, enough of me pulling back the curtains of Hollywood -- and I'm not referring to Anne Hathaway's upskirt shot."
He introduces the nominees for best animated film. The winner is "Brave."
Directors Brenda Champan and a very enthusiastic Mark Andrews take the stage to give thanks.
Liev Schreiber next introduces "The Life of Pi."
Then, Jason Bateman carries out Aziz Ansari.
Aziz: "Wow, the cast of 'Downton Abbey' really has some amazing weed backstage, I can't even walk properly."
The nominees for best actress in a TV comedy is next, but Aziz gets the giggles over Michelle Dockery's cookies.
Aziz: "Daniel Day Lewis, you are my hero as an actor -- I just saw 'Expendables 2' and you were fantastic."
They introduce the nominees, including Tina Fey for 30 Rock, who huddles in anticipation with Jennifer Lopez, and Amy Poehler for "Parks and Rec," who huddles with George Clooney.
The winner is Lena Dunham.
She has notes.
"I thought I would be a much cooler customer if this ever happened, which I didn't think it would."
She apologizes for being "super shaky."
"I wanted to start by saying that the other nominees in this category are women who inspire me deeply and make me laugh and have comforted me at the darkest moments of my life. Julia, Tina, Amy and Zooey have respectively gotten me through middle school, mono, a ruptured eardrum and the acute anxiety that populates my entire life, and I worship them."
She teeters off the stage in her high heels.
Tina and Amy are back (in coordinated fabulous dresses) after losing to Lena, drinks in hand.
Amy: Well, the show has really taken a turn.
Tina: Time to start drinking.
Amy: Everybody's getting a little loose now that we're all losers.
Tina: Congratulations, Lena, I'm glad we got you through middle school.
(Amy drinks deeply.)
Tina: Look how drunk Glenn Close is. (Cut to Glenn hamming it up.)... You know what, Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J. Fox's son.
Amy: Or go for it.
Tina: No, she needs some 'me time' to learn about herself.
Then, Tina segues: "Our next presenter is an actor so versatile that he played Ironman in three different movies. Please welcome Robert Downey Jr.
He's there to present Jodie Foster. "The Cecil B. DeMille award says every bit as much about the presenter as it does the recipient. And that's why I'm here for Jodie."
There's a bit involving hamsters that really makes no sense at all.
Clips from her movies roll including Contact, Silence of the Lambs, Panic Room and The Beaver. She starts by quoting "SNL" -- "I 50!"
With a lot of preamble, she says she has a declaration to make and the air goes out of the room. Then she says she's single.
She waits for a wolf whistle.
Then she addresses what everyone was thinking and explains there won't be any big coming out speech because she already did her coming out about a thousand years ago.
"But now I'm told that every celebrity is expected to (air) the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a prime time reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I am not Honey Boo Boo child, that's just not me....If you had been a public figure from the time when you were a toddler, if you had had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe then you, too, would value privacy above all else."
She thanks the people she's been working with for more than three decades and Mel Gibson, "you know you saved me, too."
She acknowledges her "heroic co-parent, my ex-partner in love but righteous soul sister in life," Cydney Bernard.
"I am so proud of our modern family," including their two sons.
She also sends love to her mother and then talks as if she expects her career to change after tonight.
Kate Hudson, Emily Deschanel and Anne Hathaway all have tears in their eyes. Whatever she does next "will be my writing on the wall: Jodie Foster was here. I am. And I want to be seen, to be understood deeply and to not be so very lonely. Thank you, all of you, for the company. Here's to the next 50 years."
The room erupts.
Halle Berry follows the commercial break to introduce the nominees for Best Director. The winner is: Ben Affleck, who gets a standing ovation.
"I don't care what the award is, when they put your name next to the names that she just read off, it's an extraordinary thing in your life. These nominees are exceptional talents. I truly to god never thought I would be in the same breath as them."
He says the award is really about Tony Mendez and thanks all troops serving.
He thanks his agent "who was with me when I was like a nobody, and then when I was a somebody and then what I was in a little bit of trouble. We're still trying to put it back together."
He acknowledges the cast, crew and screenwriter before going on to his wife (Jennifer Garner) and kids.
Josh Brolin is up next to introduce nominee "Moonrise Kingdom."
Then Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon to present Best TV series -- comedy or musical.
The Globe goes to: Girls.
Lena Dunham acknowledges the cast for showing her the meaning of bravery and nakedness, both emotional and physical.
"It took a village to raise this very demented child and I hope everyone who was involved feels thanked every single day.... I promised myself that if I ever got this chance, I would thank Chad Lowe. I'm sorry, I promised, and I promised my mom. "
After that, Christian Bale is up next to introduce "Silver Linings Playbook."
Then Jennifer Garner, who pauses to follow up her husband's thank you by adding the producers he forgot: Grant Heslov and George Clooney. And now the nominees for best actor in a movie comedy or musical.
The winner is Hugh Jackman for "Les Miserables."
He tells the person who stole the wheels of his bike while he was auditioning that they're all good. He thanks his wife "and if I forget to mention anyone, babe, can you come up and thank them after?"
He admits that three weeks into filming he thought he'd bitten off more than he could chew, but his wife talked him into sticking with it. He admits in front of everyone that she's always right.
Jeremy Renner comes out to introduce "Zero Dark Thirty" and says something that gets bleeped. ("You make great movies but sh----" perhaps press campaigns, since director Kathryn Bigelow wasn't nominated for an Oscar?)
Then Dustin Hoffman recaps the nominees for best movie -- comedy or musical. The winner is "Les Miserables."
Anne Hathaway takes the opportunity to thank her agent. The producer acknowledges the great crop of TV and movies and of lists a bunch of names to thank and gets played off.
George Clooney starts his introduction of best actress in a movie drama by congratulating Ben Affleck on his win.
Jessica Chastain wins for "Zero Dark Thirty."
She mentions how long she struggled to get where she is today and thanks everyone, including director Kathryn Bigelow: "I can't help but compare my character Maya to you, to powerful, fearless women who allow their expert work to stand before them."
She wraps up by thanking her grandmother, "for teaching me to always believe in my dreams and this is an absolute dream come true."
George Clooney returns to present best actor in a drama, which Meryl Streep was supposed to present. The winner is: Daniel Day Lewis for "Lincoln."
"Are you sure there's room for another ex-president on the stage? Well, if you thought that was showing off, Her Majesty the Queen of England is about to parachute in in a couple of minutes to make a last minute pitch for 'Skyfall,'" he cracks. (Yes, Daniel Day Lewis cracks jokes!!)
He acknowledges his fellow nominees for their beautiful performances.
"Tony Kushner, every day I have to live without the immeasurable wealth of your language, which reminds me of the impoverishment of my own."
He's thanking Steven Spielberg for an experience he'll treasure til the end of his life when the music plays him off.
Julia Roberts is up to present Best Motion Picture Drama.
"Argo" wins. Producer George Clooney comes up with everyone and producer Grant Heslov thanks everyone who works in diplomatic services.
Tina and Amy (drink in hand) wave goodnight.
Amy: "Thank you very much! We're going home with Jodie Foster!"