Synopsis for
"Cougar Town" The Criminal Kind (2013)

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Welcome BACK to COUGAR TOWN John Hughes is a God

Jules (Courteney Cox) loves the fact that she now had a TV in the bedroom, and Travis (Dan Byrd) loved the fact they watched The Breakfast Club together, much to Grayson's (Josh Hopkins) disappointment. Although Jules wasn't a fan. (JULES: Nobody switched bodies, and why did there have to be so much voiceover?) (Um, they only had the voiceover at the beginning and the end of the film. There was more voiceover in She's Having a Baby. But wondering will just ruin the episode, so let's move on.) Travis explains it makes exposition easier in a film and you can get into a character's head.

JULES: (in her head) That is so stupid. Is this my life now? Hanging out with the gang? Having a son who's going to college but for some reason spends most of his time with me and other adults? Still, I feel like there's a new experience for me just around the corner. I wonder what's going to happen this week. Da-dun-da-dun-da-dun-DA-DA. Da-dun-da-dun-da-dun-DA. (yes, she thought out the theme song)

Sure enough, the Cul-de-Sac Crew was discussing The Breakfast Club and Jules thought she should get in saying it sucked. And boy did she get shot down! Jules thought kids' problems shouldn't be that dramatic, but it turned out everybody did a little wrong in their youth. Let's start with Laurie. (LAURIE: Once for impersonating a cop, once for assaulting a cop, once for having sex with a cop, which ironically is called a 10-69.) Ellie (Christa Miller) actually sided with Laurie (Busy Philipps) on this. (She even wrote the date down.) Grayson was a male escort...not sex, just some over-the-clothes stuff...and Bobby (Brian Van Holt) actually shot someone. (they lived) Jules was not feeling too good about being a goody two-shoes, to say the least.

At Grayson's pub, Laurie was avoiding Yelp reviews about her cupcake shop because she learned the hard way to avoid looking at reviews. That, and never Google yourself with the Safe Search off. Grayson insisted she show him a review of his pub and was upset to find out the reviewer, Princess Bridezilla, thinks Grayson is an "obnoxious dick." But Grayson wasn't worried.

GRAYSON: The whole world hates me! It's 'cause I'm fat! And gross!

Jules figured had it not been for having Travis, she could have been as bad-ass as everybody else. Naturally, Ellie calls BS on it, saying Jules can't even make a crank call. She tries...and lets a down-on-their-luck family use her shower. Over on the Sea Story, we discover that Andy (Ian Gomez) is an empath, which Bobby hopes someone will explain to him later. Bobby was hungry, which explained why Andy was alsohungry. None of that explains why Travis turned down an invitation for fro-yo from a very cute woman from his college. And apparently, fro-yo is code for a hookup.

BOBBY: That makes sense. The other day, Riggs asked for some Greek yogurt the other day and then put her thumb up my butt. I do NOT like Greek yogurt.

Travis explained he wasn't up for random hookups, and Bobby respected that. (He is NOT my son.)

Grayson was sick and tired of being an "obnoxious dick" at the bar, even though his judgmental face gave him away, and Jules was tired of being a goody two-shoes. Grayson was out of luck, but Jules...eschewing Tom's (Bob Clendenin) idea of cooking crystal meth with some ingredients from his hospital...took Laurie and Bobby to the supermarket to try some shoplifting. Laurie gave her some pointers, such as looking at something you think you might want and then putting it back. Or so the store thinks. It sounded good, but Jules couldn't do it. Although Bobby could certainly steal some eating it right there in the store. But until his stomach left the store, it technicaly wasn't stolen food. The hair dryer Laurie slipped in Jules' purse, however, was a different story. (She really needed a hair dryer.) As a result, Jules, Laurie, and Bobby ended up in Grocery Store Jail, where Jules would do anything with Laurie to get out. (well, up to third base) But they would soon have company. Grayson, having found out Ellie was Princess Bridezilla, got caught sampling grapes and mouthed off to the manager.

Travis, meanwhile, needed someone to talk to. And Andy needed someone to talk to. This sounds like a perfect match...until Travis confesses he was with a woman recently and couldn't "perform." Which caused Andy to be unable to "perform" when Ellie gave him a quickie for getting her out of his cousin's baby shower. (Still counted, unfortunately.) Andy panicked. He went to Travis to talk about his sympotence...he was impotent out of sympathy for Travis. Oh, this was in front of Travis' college friends. And calling Tom in to give him a checkup didn't help, either. Travis finally admitted not finding hookups fulfilling anymore, and Andy wanted to know why Travis didn't talk to Laurie. Travis said he pushed those feelings aside, but Andy told him he had to confront them; they would always be there.

In Grocery Store Jail, where Jules was doing push-ups (JULES: If you don't want to be someone's bitch, you gotta be ripped), Ellie explained to Grayson they were the only two people in their crew capable of hating others for no reason and she actually liked that about him. She'd do him if Jules and Andy were ever killed in a car crash. (ELLIE: Or if just Jules died.) Jules figures everybody thinks she's lame. But Laurie was thinking of Travis' butt, Bobby was regretting eating those expired pudding cups, Grayson was thinking how hot he'd be if he had Bobby's eyes (the rest still him), and Ellie was admitting how much she loved everyone, but would never tell them. The store manager, unable to get the cops to arrest anyone for Grand Theft Grape, would let everyone go after writing an essay telling him who they thought they were. Jules hugs him for being so lenient...and steals his pen to make herself feel better. Laurie still didn't know why it was so important to Jules to steal something.

JULES: Come on, Jules. This is the end of this week's adventure. Sum it up! The truth is, getting married and having kid so young, I felt like I missed out on so much. It took a lot of courage for me to just take do something I've never done or saying something that I've always wanted to say, or doing something crazy for love. Let me tell you, the only things you'll ever regret are the things you didn't do.

Dear Mr. Vernon,

We accept the fact we had to spend a whole day in Grocery Store Jail for whatever it is we did wrong. But we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the most convenient terms. But we found out each one of us is a goody two-shoes...

BOBBY: ...and a freeloader...

GRAYSON: ...and a dick, a handsome dick...

ELLIE: ...and a firestarter...

LAURIE: ...and a criminal...(as she goes to Travis and admits she really likes him)

JULES: Sincerely yours, The Grocery Store Club


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