Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013)
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Kraptacular...er...I mean Krampus the Christmas Devil is in the number 3 category. I started ff-ing 30 minutes in then by 68 minutes I just decided to turn it off. I just said, "Nah, I can't watch this piece of garbage. I have better things to do with my time, like watch water boil." This movie is the very definition of amateur. It looks like the director got an camera, went to his local roadside bar and said, "Hey guys, I have a camera. Wanna make a movie with me?" They asked, "What's in it for us?" He replied, "Free beer." Then they said, "I'm in." Seriously. I 100% believe that's how it happened.
Acting: homeless people off the street couldn't be worse.
Dialogue: cringeworthy (and that's being generous).
Scariness of the monster: looks like they bought it entirely from Walmart, including the mask. Even a junior high kid could make a better costume (and a better movie).
Quality of the kills: even the average Found Footage is more graphic.
This movie is so awful I actually asked IMDb if they could allow reviewers to give a negative or a 0-star rating. Still no reply. But I'm sure if they saw this movie they'd allow reviewers at least to make 0-stars.
It seems Krampus only comes around on Christmas Eve. He has until Midnight to do his dirty work, i.e. collecting all the BAD boys and girls who have misbehaved before Christmas. He then finds them, puts them in a gunny sack, and does various and sundry things to them. Why the naked girl with huge boobs was in his lair still has me scratching my head, but I digress.
Where on earth do people get funding for this garbage? If you want to do a movie about a demon who's (get this) Santa Clause's brother, can't you find an interesting plot line somewhere along the way? Could you at least have them at loggerheads over what one of them is doing? Not here. Santa Clause is shown ogling the naked woman with big boobs before he manages to cop a feel. What a wonderful message to any kid who might see this: Guess what, honey? Santa Clause is really a foul-mouthed pervert.
This s*it stain of a movie is awful, and if IMDb had a "zero" star rating, this would certainly get one. Rated "R" and not recommended for children or pre-teens. This is trash, pure and simple.
An old college buddy of mine actually made a little spoof/mockumentary about asshats who get a camera and a budget and have NO idea what the hell they're doing. It's really funny if you're a filmmaker, lots of in jokes, free, and DEFINITELY better entertainment than this pile of manure:
1-10 Ratings: =========
Dialogue = 0 (lines don't even make sense sometimes, like when the two cops are talking to each other in the police station, it's like they just mined the cheesiest dialogue from the worst cop movies ever made)
Plot = 0 (I've seen 2 other Krampus movies, and I STILL don't know what the hell THIS story is about)
Acting = 0 (your grandmother can act better than any one of these talentless hacks)
Cinematography = 0 (non-existent, doubt the "filmmaker" even knows the meaning of the word)
Costumes = 0 (I think my 8 year old nephew could come up with a better costume than this on a budget of $10 at the Dollar Store)
OVERALL = 0 (staring at a bucket of water with a ruler in it to measure condensation would be more fun, I'd take 12 inches of evaporation over the torture of the 1 hour and 20 minutes I just endured)
In the very same week that saw director Michael Dougherty's trailer for the Adam Scott/Toni Collette starrer Krampus (2015) take off on the internet I suddenly received this screener evidently being rush-released on retail in the UK to cash-in by the title character association. For those of you that didn't know Krampus is Santa Claus' evil brother according to ancient mythology. Whereas his chubby sibling takes to dishing out presents to the good boys and girls of the world, Krampus is about dishing out punishment to those children that have been naughty. In this, director Jason Hull's third film, Krampus takes the form of punishment to the more extreme, he doesn't just punish them he kills them too.
Back in 1983 one such child, Jeremy (Jared Sidun), manages to escape Krampus. Years later Jeremy is a police officer (now played by A.J. Leslie). Jeremy is tormented and hell-bent on killing the monster who fortunately happens to have concentrated his efforts in Jeremy's neck- of-the-woods again. If that wasn't enough to trouble for our hero, he soon learns that the beast has his eyes on Jeremy's daughter. There's also the niggling matter of a recently released felon Brian Hatt (Bill Oberst) that seeks vengeance for Jeremy having incarcerating him.
At its very best Krampus: The Christmas Devil is an ill-conceived mess that's not even so bad as to be funny. It's so bad it actually hurts you to watch it. There's awful oversights in plotting for the convenience of plotting. Also quite why no one has been able to locate our titular demon is rather astonishing given that he seems to move at a remarkably slow pace - the sort of pace that even someone with riddled with chronic arthritis through both legs would even manage to out walk - and he carries out most of his victim kidnapping in the plain sight of day in populated locations. And yet no one seems to know where he is. Just look out of your window. There he is. Seriously!
Surely there are naughty kids the world over for Krampus to put a grisly end to but alas no, he seems to be concentrated on this dull little place in the middle of nowhere rather than taking his efforts globally. Perhaps he's just lazy. And what constitutes being a naughty child? Well apparently having a hissy fit during a game of Monopoly is enough for a snot-nosed brat to labelled a naughty child and added to Krampus' hit list.
Krampus seems rather tame compared to his 'brother' Santa Claus who cusses and rages with an anger sadly lacking in our title character. But then everything in this flick is here for shock effect rather than reason undermining what passes for a plot and reducing the flick to a collection of barely amateur performances that pain you to sit through. And what's with Krampus' hands? As Krampus traces his fingers upon a victim they bend up, just like an ill-fitting glove bought from a bog standard fancy dress shop, because, yes, that's exactly what they are. Genre favourite Bill Oberst Jr. has a small role in the film but it's yet another appearance by an otherwise competent actor in a below standard flick that is chipping away at his former solid career track record.
Krampus The Christmas Devil is yet another title that has been afforded great reviews on-line that it doesn't merit effectively discrediting the purpose of effective criticism. If the reviews have been written by friends of the director then I will insist that they write his next flick for him as their writing is rather more effective than his own.
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