Leonard Hofstadter: Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I have access to cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. She might find one in the back of my car. Or in her shower.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you should be drinking now?
Raj Koothrappali: How else am I supposed to talk to the human resources lady?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Seek professional help?
Raj Koothrappali: I did. The guy at the liquor store told me this goes great with coffee.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can I tell you a secret?
Penny: Wha's up?
Leonard Hofstadter: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell *you* a secret?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk and we're all going to stop.
Leonard Hofstadter: [mimicking Shatner] Message. Received.
Penny: I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalog at school and looked at some of the scence classes.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great.
Penny: No, it isn't; they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself every day. Anyway, I decided I don't need to be a scientist; I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glasses?
[as Penny puts the glasses on]
Leonard Hofstadter: I really don't think that's going to change- Oh my God, you look so smart and hot!
Penny: I know, right? Watch this.
[pulls the glasses down so she is peering over them]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard Hofstadter: My bedroom, so I can take off everything but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
Sheldon Cooper: I needed advice about a woman, and I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything it's that you can't tell a uterus from a unicycle.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.
Alex Jensen: What did I do?
Sheldon Cooper: You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex Jensen: What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex Jensen: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex Jensen: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon Cooper: You and me both, sister.
Janine Davis: That's it. All of you, in my office, now!
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.
Leonard Hofstadter: [singing] I'm sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. Sorry Alex hit on me, I'd no idea I'm cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.
Janine Davis: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you you can't say it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You're a slave.
Janine Davis: I'm a what?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, y-you, I-I'm just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...
Janine Davis: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I'm gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
Sheldon Cooper: The next time you fall prey to your reproductive urges, please feel free to leaf through this book of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, check out this oozy doozy.
Alex Jensen: I'm afraid I have to go.
Sheldon Cooper: So does this guy, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.
Janine Davis: And who would that be?
Sheldon Cooper: You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.