Set in 1882 in the American west, Albert is a lowly farmer with a nice girlfriend. But when she leaves him for the more successful and handsome owner of a moustachery store, Albert returns to his lonely daily life of trying to avoid death. Then the mysterious Anna rides into town and captures Albert's interest and heart, but with her deadly husband in town, Albert is going to have to become the western gun-slinging hero he never was. It won't be easy because there are a million ways to die in the west.
As a cowardly farmer begins to fall for the mysterious new woman in town, he must put his new-found courage to the test when her husband, a notorious gun-slinger, announces his arrival.
- Updated at 22nd July 2015 by rearranging the order of some entries:
Arizona, 1882. A voice-over narrator explains that this time in the American wild west was a dangerous and unsafe time where only the bravest survive. However, there were those that were considered by others to be "pussies". Enter Albert Stark (Seth MacFarlane), a meek sheep farmer who runs into the town square of Old Stump. He is set to face off against another rancher, Charlie Blanche (Brett Rickaby), in a gunfight because Albert owes Charlie some money. Albert does whatever he can to weasel his way out of the gunfight, even making crude gestures with their shadows (he uses his fingers to simulate Charlie giving him a blowjob), and when he fails to make a move, Charlie shoots Albert in the leg. The townspeople walk away, and Albert's girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) looks on with disappointment.
Albert and Louise have a picnic near a river where he laments the whole gunfight. Louise tells Albert that she wants to break up with him and has been thinking about it for some time. She tells him he's a nice guy but that she doesn't see the relationship going anywhere and that she needs to work on herself. She leaves him alone, despite him telling her he loves her.
We move to a saloon/brothel where a churchgoing shoe repairman named Edward (Giovanni Ribisi) is eagerly awaiting his girlfriend Ruth (Sarah Silverman) with a flower. Ruth is a prostitute in the middle of having sex with a man. The brothel's manager Millie (Alex Borstein) asks Edward if he's okay with this fact, and he remains firm in his love for her. Ruth comes downstairs to go out with Edward, though Millie tells her that she has to come back because a frequent customer wants to do anal.
That night, Albert joins Edward and Ruth at the saloon as he laments losing Louise. Ruth tells him that he's got a lot to live for, but Albert begins a rant on how living on the frontier sucks because literally everything out there can kill someone. Whether it's the hungry animals, drunk people, or even going to the bathroom, Albert fears for his life. He points out that the miners eating spicy ribs can die from their own farts (and that actually happens). Albert takes it a step further to point out that the mayor of the town has been lying dead outside for three days, and nobody has noticed. To drive his point home, two wolves come out and drag the mayor's body away to be eaten. Albert ends up getting drunk and riding his horse to Louise's home to win her back, but it doesn't work.
The next day, outside town, an old man is riding in his carriage with his dog, Plugger, holding a piece of gold. Coming in fast are a group of outlaws led by the notorious Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson). He haggles the old man for his gold and tells him to pull out his gun so that he can take it from him fairly without robbing him. The old man does so and Clinch says they will shoot on 3. Clinch shoots on 2 and kills the old man, despite the protests of his wife, Anna Barnes (Charlize Theron). Clinch dismisses her and grabs the old man's map to Old Stump. The outlaws split up, and Anna beckons the old man's dog to follow her.
Edward comes over to Albert's home as he wakes up in the afternoon to his grumpy father George (Christopher Hagen) and his abused, non-responsive mother Elsie (Jean Effron). Albert asks Edward why he isn't with Ruth having sex, but as it turns out, since both Edward and Ruth are Christians, they are waiting until marriage to have sex. Albert is confused, but he walks with Edward to see the ice being delivered from Boston. They then spot Louise out with her new man, a wealthy and moustachioed businessman named Foy (Neil Patrick Harris). Albert is enraged when he sees them kissing, but then goes with Edward to see the giant block of ice being delivered. As he explains to Edward why the ice is so big, the rope holding the ice snaps and the block of ice crushes a man's head, to Albert and Edward's horror and disgust. At church, the pastor introduces Anna and her outlaw brother Lewis (Evan Jones).
Albert goes into a store that can help him grow facial hair, but he is mocked by Foy at this attempt, then rubs it in his face that he is having sex with Louise.
Later that night at the saloon, a cowboy (the pastor's son) bumps into Lewis, spilling his drink. Lewis demands that the cowboy get him a new drink. The cowboy pours Lewis a shot, but then puts his cigar out in it. Lewis responds by shooting the man, instigating a crazy bar brawl. The men violently and brutally attack each other, breaking arms and stabbing throats, while Albert and Edward pretend to fight so that nobody goes after them, giving the impression of really fast hands.
Albert sees two men almost fall over on top of Anna, who was pouring herself a drink, but he jumps in and saves her. He takes her out of the saloon and walks with her. They sit by a cliff as she rolls him a cigarette. He bemoans to her the whole situation with Louise, though Anna thinks Albert is a nice guy and that Louise missed out. A diamondback snake then slithers past them, and they keep still to avoid getting bitten. Anna then convinces Albert to take her to the fair over the weekend to make Louise jealous.
Anna visits Lewis in jail, telling him he's stupid for getting himself in there, and then boasts that she'll be happy the day that Clinch dies. Lewis warns her not to talk like that.
On the day of the fair, Albert walks with Anna and points out that people can even die at the fair. This is proven correct when a photographer sets himself on fire and the couple he was taking a picture of, prompting two men to shoot them with rifles. Albert and Anna then see Louise and Foy. After exchanging banter, Albert challenges Foy to the shooting range in exchange for some money. They play a very racist shooting game called "Runaway Slave" (you can guess the objective), and Foy shoots six targets with six shots. Albert goes up and shoots nothing. Anna then steps in to make the challenge more interesting. She opts to go as fast as the game can go so Foy can give Albert a dollar. She tells the operator to go at the fastest speed, hitting each target, to everyone's surprise. Foy gives up his dollar, and the townspeople express their shock at actually seeing a whole dollar. Foy continues to mock Albert, so he challenges him to a gun duel the next day. Foy accepts, but Albert immediately regrets the decision.
Anna decides to teach Albert how to shoot properly. She sets up some tin cans for him to shoot at, but he cannot hit a single target. He gets one shot after a bunch of tries, and continuously fails to shoot anything, even at close range. As time passes, he gets gradually better at hitting some targets. Anna rewards him with a pot cookie, which he is hesitant to take because he can't handle drugs, but he eats it anyway, and the two of them watch the sunset while they're both high.
The sheriff goes to give Lewis his meal for the night, but he gets taken down in the cell, and Lewis kills him, leaving him with the opportunity to escape.
The two of them go to a barn dance on the eve of the gunfight, with Anna sporting an outfit that is supposed to simulate a big ass. Again, they spot Foy and Louise together right before the sweethearts dance begins. Foy tells the band leader to play a song that boasts the joys of having a moustache, humiliating Albert since he can't grow one (or even afford to grow one). Anna offers to grab some whiskey for them, which she does by tricking the bartender into making him think his fly is open. Before leaving with Albert, Anna puts a laxative in a drink for Foy and tricks him into taking it. She then tells Louise that she's an idiot for letting Albert go, and then makes fun of her big eyes.
Albert and Anna drink and bond, and then he gets one of the sheep to bring Anna a photograph of a man smiling, which is considered insane since nobody smiles when taking photographs, and one must be insane to smile in a place like the west. Albert goes in and kisses Anna, but he apologizes for it. He takes her back to her hotel, and she kisses him back. Unfortunately, Lewis has seen everything.
As Albert rides home, he spots a glowing light coming from a barn. He opens the door to investigate and finds Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) (from the 'Back to the Future' series) working on the DeLorean. Doc hides it and tells Albert it's just a weather experiment. Albert leaves, and Doc exclaims, "Great Scott!"
On the morning of the gunfight, Anna gets a knock on her door. Thinking it's Albert, she smiles and walks over, only to find it's Clinch.
Albert stands in the town square awaiting Foy for the gunfight, who comes out staggering, still suffering from the constant bowel movements. He's not finished apparently, as he takes a man's hat to crap in it, and then a second hat to finish the job. When Foy gets ready, Albert drops his belt and gun to say he doesn't want to do this. He tells Louise he cares about her but she can have Foy, now that he personally feels he's moved on. He goes to Anna's hotel room and doesn't find her there, but most of her stuff is lying around. He goes to the bar with Edward and Ruth, thinking he's been abandoned once again, when Clinch shows up and announces that somebody was seen kissing his wife. He brings in Anna, and Albert puts two and two together. Clinch asks who is the man responsible for it. He asks a nearby cowboy (Ryan Reynolds in a silent cameo) and he shoots him.
Clinch grabs Anna and takes her away, forcing her to reveal the identity of the man who kissed her, or he will shoot Plugger. She admits it was Albert. Clinch turns his back to take his clothes off and have sex with Anna, but she grabs a rock and whacks him over the head with it. She goes to hop on her horse to leave, but she sees Clinch with his pants down and sticks a daisy in his bare ass. She goes to reunite with Albert, but he's packing his stuff, feeling like another woman he's loved has disappointed him. Anna tries to tell him that she loved him, but he doesn't want to listen since she lied to him. She leaves, but warns Albert that Clinch always shoots on 2.
Clinch goes by Albert's farm to look for him with Lewis and another goon. Albert hides among his sheep (where one of them pisses on him) before he manages to ride away on his horse. Clinch shoots at Albert and rides after him. Albert manages to ride over the train tracks before the train passes, and then hops on the train to escape. He takes the horse far away before a rock is thrown at his head, and he is knocked unconscious.
Meanwhile, Edward and Ruth decide to consummate their relationship since Clinch's presence has them worried for their lives. Edward sees Ruth's vagina for the first time (his first vagina ever), making him nervous. They proceed to start having sex until Anna knocks at the door, asking to hide. Lewis barges in later, but doesn't find Anna. She climbs out the window of Edward's place and sees Clinch standing before her, holding the daisy she put in his ass.
Albert wakes up to find himself tied to a pole. He sees that he is surrounded by the Indian Apache tribe. The Apache chief, Cochise (Wes Studi), orders someone to burn Albert because he is part of the other "white asshole" group, but Albert surprises them when he speaks their language, admitting that he studied a lot in his spare time. The Indians take him down, believing they can trust him simply because he speaks their language. They sit him around a campfire and give him a drink to help him achieve the courage to confront his problems. He is given a bowl to drink from, but he drinks the whole thing, which was supposed to be for the tribe. Albert then has a trippy dream sequence where he flashes back to his childhood where his father didn't care that he was born, and then tricked him into putting his tooth under his pillow as a child for the tooth fairy to come, only to find a pile of horse shit under the pillow. He recalls his graduation from school where Abraham Lincoln (Gilbert Gottfried) made a loud and crude speech. Then, Albert sees himself in a field with Anna chastising Louise for letting Albert go, along with the "big eyes" comment, showing Louise with larger bug eyes. Then a group of sheep that sound like Foy all gather and sing the moustache song. A door appears, with a sheep (voiced by Patrick Stewart) commands Albert to open the door when he's ready. The handle is a snake, which hisses at Albert, but he grabs it and opens it to see Anna in a wedding dress, waiting for him. He walks through the door to see nothing but a condor with Clinch's face swooping down at him. He shoots at it and then kicks it in the balls. He snaps out of the hallucination and realizes he's found the courage to do what he needs to do. Albert thanks the Indians and rides off.
The next morning, Clinch holds Anna hostage in the town square, waiting for Albert. Albert shows up for the gunfight challenge, forcing Clinch to release Anna. They draw their guns, and, remembering what Anna said, Albert shoots Clinch in the side of the arm after 1. Clinch shoots the gun out of Albert's hand, then prepares to kill him. Albert buys himself time by asking him to spare Anna, even though she lied to him, and then he does a goofy "Islamic death chant" before he dies. Clinch then starts to feel weak and he collapses to the floor. Albert reveals that the Indians taught him to extract venom from the diamondback snake and lace the bullet with it. He knew he wasn't going to hit Clinch properly, so he managed to graze him. Thinking he's come up with a bold speech, Edward and Ruth spoil Albert's excitement by telling him that Clinch is already dead. With him out of the picture, Anna runs back into Albert's arms. Louise comes over, hoping to make up with Albert, but he blows her off to be with Anna. They walk away, with Anna telling him that there's a reward for the man that took Clinch down. Albert uses it to get a whole bunch of sheep, spreading through over a hundred yards. Anna stays with him, and they kiss among their sheep.
Before the end credits roll, a new contender shows up for the Runaway Slave game and it is Django (Jamie Foxx in another cameo) He takes out his gun and instead shoots the game operator, saying "People die at the fair." After the credits, he asks for a white woman to join him.