Even in the sordid, bottom-feeding universe of so-called porn parodies, "Hairy Twatter" is rock bottom. It's not worth the powder to blow it to Hell, but here's a brief assortment of failings.
Low-concept is to conjure up a pun and then work around it. So Seth Gamble as Harry is asked by his pal Ron (Tyler Nixon) to get a spell that will instantly grow pubic hair on the girls at school, a fetish of Ron's. Harry gets Hella Trix (Katie St. Ives, who is already moderately hairy down there) to teach him the spell and the rest is history.
If that sounds like a flimsy excuse for a movie, the untalented maestro Jordan Septo doesn't even deliver on what he's set out to do. The video's five sex vignettes of humping co-eds includes Nora Skyy who apologizes in the "Behind the Scenes" short subject for having shaved before shooting, so we have to "pretend" that they are all hairy. And, of course, none of the actresses have a truly full bush like the good old days, since that would rule them out of the mainstream of XXX casting in the 21st Century and they could go broke starring only in niche videos with words like Furry and Down There in the titles.
So why did I watch this junker, you might ask? Reason is simple: it features a starlet who never made it but who I particularly like, Sammy Grand. She authentically does maintain a natural, unshaven look, has a pleasant visage and figure and personality. Other than that, I certainly wasted my time.
Assorted clunkiness for the record: in the magical spell Harry (and the uncredited scriptwriter) rhymes "rush" with "bush". I guess they didn't bother with a table read to uncover this boner. There are no exteriors: simply panning on a still of a building for transition between sex scenes.
The last straw in irritation comes from distributor DreamZone marketing this as a special 2-DVD package. The second bonus disk features the 14-minute "Behind the Scenes" and amusingly lists a "Non-sex version", which I assumed might be interesting as what could be shown on Cinemax or some other cable service. Much to my surprise, the official non-sex version of "Hairy Twatter" runs all of seven minutes long!
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