- Homer Simpson: Well, guess what, cool people! Parents are supposed to be lame. That's so their kids have something to rebel against and be cool long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame. It's nature's way.
- Bart Simpson: Where's your TV?
- T-Rex: Tee-vee? We don't own a tee-vee.
- Lisa Simpson: I didn't know that was an option!
- Bart Simpson: I think we're done here. Lisa, go nuts.
- Marge Simpson: [Picks up copy of The Onion] "Scientists Prove That Cat Heaven Is Real But People Heaven Is Not"? That's so sad.
- Emily: No, Marge. It's not a real headline. It's satire.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, satire. And these fake movie reviews are so mean, they're hilarious!
- Emily: No, those are real reviews.
- Marge Simpson: Great newspaper.
- Homer Simpson: You're from Portland? I've heard about people coming from there.
- Homer Simpson: [Thinking] No, I didn't.
- Homer Simpson: I have a plan to deal with that. Step one: change everything about ourselves until we are super-cool. The end.
- Marge Simpson: I've always thought you were cool!
- Homer Simpson: Honey, I'm not cool. I was never cool. I didn't go to college! Every CD I have I bought at a carwash. Black and white films make me angry. I can't pronounce artisanal. I only know David Cross from the Chipmunks movie! Not only do I like Van Halen but I think they keep getting better!