Jay (Ed O'Neill
) loves the fact he brought home a baby, but eventually you wake up to that sound. Yes, the in-laws. Gloria's mother, Pilar (Elizabeth Peña
) and sister were in town, although to Sonia, she may as well have been the evil stepmother from Cinderella
. But it's time for Fulgencio's christening. Fulgencio Umberto Pritchett. Well, that's his name according to Pilar. (JAY: His initials are FU Pritchett!) Neither Jay nor Gloria (Sofía Vergara
) wanted it, but Gloria sent him in to deal with her mother. And Jay did, finding out Pilar always hated him. This while brandishing a pistol. Luckily, Manny (Rico Rodriguez
) was there with a crucifix to act as a human shield for Jay. Perhaps Gloria should borrow Manny when Sonia finds out she had an offer for a job in the States and Gloria stole the envelope from her.
With Claire (Julie Bowen
) running around trying to help with the christening, the kids were upset she couldn't solve any of their problems. Apparently, they don't go to Phil (Ty Burrell
) to solve their problems, and he takes offense to this. He figures since he smoothed over a problem with his billboard (by saving the owner's son from falling and getting injured), he can solve anything. Well, it turns out Phil really isn't good with fixing problems. Luke (Nolan Gould
) accidentally called one of his teachers mommy and Phil went to what he thought was one of the "cool kids" in school to get them to lay off. (This kid would have looked like a nerd to the guys on The Big Bang Theory
). He then calls his neighbor to thank her for hiring Haley (Sarah Hyland
) to take care of her car while she was gone; the car Haley crashed into a tree. (thinking she was a guy, BTW) And then he finds the girl Alex (Ariel Winter
) said was hosting the same kind of party a week ahead of her and complimented her on her teeth. No, none of that worked.
Cameron (Eric Stonestreet
) and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson
) had problems with Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons
). She had taken to being snarky, such as asking Cam and Mitch if they need a Whambulance when they start getting emotional. Thinking it was their fault, they try not to say anything bad about anybody, not even when their friend, Crispin, wants them to insult his boyfriend's bad perm job. But they were trying to lead by example, which got them evicted from his party. The one Sting
While Claire was practically inhaling the new baby because they have that great smell when they're newborns (don't ask), she figured out Jay was upset that Pilar hated him no matter how much he tried to do for her.
CLAIRE: Doesn't that sound familiar?
JAY: Son of a bitch! I'm Phil.
Jay decided that was his best course of action. Since he tolerated Phil more when he didn't go overboard getting Jay to like him, he'd do the same with Pilar. He decides he wants a few words before the christening, over the priest's protests. Particularly given Mitchell had some purple underwear hanging out of his pants that Cameron decided he didn't have to tell him about after their fight earlier about who was to blame for Lily's snarkiness. Jay talks about how the birth of his new son being the best thing that ever happened to him.
CLAIRE: (to a depressed Mitchell) I bet that feels good, huh?
Jay tells about how he met Gloria in a diner while getting his car washed and waxed. He sent over a piece of pie, and Gloria comes over to talk to him a few minutes later. But it turns out he originally sent the pie to her friend, who was in the bathroom and missed it. Yes, I'm sure you figured out by now that Jay originally gave that pie to Sonia. Phil thought this simple twist of fate was funny, but Gloria and Sonia? Not so much. Sonia attacks Gloria (this time, Phil's got Sonia). They get out of the line of fire, and Sonia demands to get out of Colombia. They just had a flood and lost a boat. And Sonia would be there should "anything" happen to Gloria. Gloria says Pilar can come live with them, which Jay nixes immediately because Pilar hates him and is armed. Oh, and the fight continues between Phil and the kids, but Claire tells them to stop being so dramatic before she calls a Whambulance. Oh, THAT'S where Lily got that. Claire's been driving her to dance class all week.
Jay gets everyone to be quiet. ("We're in a house of GOD, dammit!") He tells Pilar off about her martyr act, given she's been keeping Sonia under her thumb. But he points out Pilar's afraid to go on with her life and should go find happiness.
JAY: I don't think I knew what happiness was until I turned 60!
MITCHELL: (bad timing again) And the hits just keep coming.
Jay said Pilar could visit any time she wanted (within reason), and Jay would help Sonia get her own place. He even offered to send Manny to visit Pilar...but he wouldn't be a priest because he likes girls. (JAY: He can't get them, but he likes them.) And now it was time for the christening. Phil and Claire were the Godparents and thus had to reject Satan and all his works and empty promises. Which Phil willingly did...right after Luke shot the balloons blocking his billboard, ruined the neighbors camper, and sent Alex's rats into the other 60s party to spoil it. And put a zebra's head into the kid who spread the rumors about Luke. But they agreed to call the baby Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
GLORIA: (whispers) Thank you, Jay.
JAY: We are never going to call him that.
Claire was happy, although a bit suspicious, all of the kids' problems were solved without her help.
PHIL: (recently made by Vito Corleone) Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire.