Jay Pritchett: Fulgencio Umberto. The initials for that are F.U. Pritchett, which is exactly what it feels like right now.
Phil Dunphy: [about Jay's baby's christening] Is there a dress code for godparents?
Claire Dunphy: You're not wearing a fedora. Did you pick up the dry cleaning?
Phil Dunphy: [imitating Marlon Brando] That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Claire Dunphy: We're not doing that.
Father Krzyzieski: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, what name are you giving this child?
Jay Pritchett: Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
Father Krzyzieski: May God be with you all.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [whispering] Thank you, Jay.
Jay Pritchett: [whispering] We're never calling him that.
Phil Dunphy: And then I realized, my kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness, because they've never seen it. So I'm going to show them, by going on a hugicidal rampage.
Claire Dunphy: You have an in-law, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, they still don't like you.
Jay Pritchett: That's right.
Claire Dunphy: Doesn't that sound familiar?
Jay Pritchett: You're not saying?
Claire Dunphy: Oh, I am.
Jay Pritchett: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I'm bored.
Cameron Tucker: I know, honey, but right now your daddies are talking about what they're going to wear, and that's a very stressful conversation.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Cry me a river.
Mitchell Pritchett: You know, I'm not liking this snarky attitude.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Do you want me to call you a wah-mbulance?