- Sheldon Cooper: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hi, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: [seeing Howard naked on the couch] AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, what are you doing?
- Howard Wolowitz: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
- Sheldon Cooper: Get off there.
- Howard Wolowitz: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
- Sheldon Cooper: Give me back my parking space.
- Howard Wolowitz: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
- Raj Koothrappali: [to Leonard] I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
- Howard Wolowitz: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
- Sheldon Cooper: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
- Raj Koothrappali: Just say it.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
- Howard Wolowitz: [arguing with Sheldon] Are you even listening to yourself?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it because your sex life, like Sheldon's work, is also theoretical?
- Penny: Damn...!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: At least when we *do* make love, he wouldn't be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that's a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb!
- Sheldon Cooper: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
- Dry Cleaner: Lipid what?
- Sheldon Cooper: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
- Sheldon Cooper: [phone talk] President Seibert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot. That's not the point. I...
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home. But you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there because I saw you through the mail slot.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, that's some salty language.May I remind you, you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club.
- Sheldon Cooper: There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir.
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] Unbelievable! He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
- Sheldon Cooper: That was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.
- Sheldon Cooper: No. No, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. See, it starts with a parking space. Where does it end? It's like my dad always said, "First they say you can't drink and drive. Next you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat."
- Sheldon Cooper: Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only 2 years old, there's 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
- Raj Koothrappali: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's called a fashion choice.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
- Sheldon Cooper: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment] Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not here. What's wrong?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [sharply] He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
- [Penny looks surprised]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: In Sheldon's spot.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
- [Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Why not?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
- [she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead]
- [Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead]
- Penny: [crying out in pain] You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [running off] Don't move, I'll get some ice!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
- Penny: [clutching her face] Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [returning with a bag of frozen peas] Here.
- Penny: [groaning in pain] Thanks.
- Raj Koothrappali: [to Leonard] If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a "zompire"?
- Penny: Howard's mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What can I tell you? She's a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Coming up the stairs with Penny] We're so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
- [Amy is following them up stumbling and walking awkwardly, she does straighten up once she's on the floor]
- Penny: Yeah. So how you doing?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, a little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
- Penny: No, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [as they enter the apartment] I feel like I'm five pounds lighter.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really? Only five?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's my parking spot.
- Raj Koothrappali: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't drive.
- Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not using my nipples either. Maybe they should reassign those.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. Well, it's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days, and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
- Howard Wolowitz: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you listening to yourself?
- Sheldon Cooper: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now get your car out of my spot.
- Penny: I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. Yeah, it's a bad idea.
- [Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
- Penny: [pained] Gee, you think?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [enraged] You hit her! What did I do?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You had my car towed!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling] You were parked in Howard's spot!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [yelling] I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [arguing back] Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
- Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, let's go.
- [they take Penny by her arms and escort her out]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How do you know?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: 'CAUSE I DID IT!