Suicide for Beginners (2022)

Wil Daniels: Garrett

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Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Garrett : Suicide is precarious. There are a lot of different schools of thought on killing yourself... beyond just pro or con, I mean. And believe me, there is a totally pro-suicide contingent out there. They just aren't as vocal as the other guys because, well, for the most part they're dead..

• [Garrett has a noose wrapped around his throat] 

  Mia : What's with the neckwear there, buddy?

  Garrett : Oh this. Well, I guess you decided to hang yourself in the end out of guilt. It's a classic.

  Mia : I don't think I did decide to do that. I think I'd remember that.

  Garrett : Vegetables do weird things to people's brains. You should stop eating them.

• Garrett : I hate people. Especially other people.

• [Mia refuses to call her landlord to tell him not to come and check on her] 

  Garrett : Don't you see how this works? If he comes over here, I have to kill him! Have you seen this chick? Or how 'bout this guy? This is the pizza guy! The pizza guy comes over, I have to kill him. He brings his girlfriend, I have to kill her. A bell rings, I kill someone.

• Garrett : You want this Barry guy dead? Fine. Just let him come over. Anyone else you want dead? Just give 'em a ring. Give 'em a ring and have 'em come on down to Garrett's death emporium. We're having a half-off sale today. Everyone must go.

• [Abigail cries pitifully] 

  Mia : I think Abigail will calm down if you if you take the gag out of her mouth.

  Rick : Nooo!

  Garrett : No way.

  [Abigail cries even more loudly] 

  Barry : I'm going to watch you die. It will make me very happy to see the worms flirting with your corpse.

• Barry : What are you doing to them?

  Garrett : Whatever I ike.

  Barry : Oh-ho. Barry will kill you from the throat and then I will brunch on you and your testicles with mint jelly.

  Garrett : What does that even mean?

  Barry : I will tear your tendons from their parts.

  Garrett : Just shut up. I could shoot you right now.

  Barry : Oh, if you shoot me, then the neighbors will call the police and then the police will come and make much holes in your body.

• Garrett : [to Abigail]  Stop crying. How have you not died of dehydration at this point?

• [Mia, Barry, Abigail and Rick are tied up in Garrett's garage] 

  Garrett : You're landlord is psychotic.

  Mia : You're running out of chairs.

• Garrett : I'm going to name a bleeding ulcer after each and every one of you.

  [points his gun at Mia] 

  Garrett : Two for you.

• [Rick tries to devise a plan for Garrett to escape without needing to kill his hostages] 

  Rick : How about you hook us each up with a gallon or two of water and maybe some straws and then hop on a plane and bomb away to a non-extradition country. Then when you land, you can call the cops and tell them where we are. Seems pretty solid, brother.

  Garrett : Name for me please some non-extradition countires.

  Rick : I'm not sure, but I feel pretty good about Venezuela or Vancouver, definitely a V country. Maybe the Vatican?

  Garrett : How is it that you don't know Vancouver is not a country?

  Rick : They didn't actually teach geography at my school and I'm a little sensitive about it, to be honest.

• [to Abigail who is hiding in the attic] 

  Garrett : You know, you kinda have to appreciate the irony in all this. You came here to make sure I didn't die and here I am making sure that you do.

• [Mia's nail gun has run out of ammo] 

  Garrett : What now?

  Mia : I'll think of something and it will hurt.

• Garrett : You know, it's just you and me and death makes three.

• Garrett : Hey kids, let's play a little game of duck, duck, murder!

• Garrett : I don't trust rabbits.