COUGAR TOWN Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah it's a fake holiday, but we still want stuff. XOXO, The Female Writers. P.S. Not Lingerie - that's for you.
Did you know Grayson (Josh Hopkins
) played roller hockey? Neither did we, and he doesn't play it very well. Jules (Courteney Cox
) encourages him and says he's great, but that's also the reason why Travis thinks he's so attractive. (JULES: That's all me.) Well, Grayson is suddenly a bit less-attractive after taking a slapshot to the face. He could almost blend in with Paul Newman
and the Slap Shot
Jules has been having trouble sleeping. Ellie (Christa Miller
) suggests sleeping pills, but Jules thinks "people who have to self-medicate are probably just hiding from a bigger issue." The bigger issue might be that she can't kiss Grayson on Valentine's Day thanks to his broken face. Which is still better than Laurie (Busy Philipps
), who will be on her iPad when Wade calls her for Valentine's Day. I mean LITERALLY sitting on her iPad. (ELLIE: Two years at war, that'll be the image that haunts him.)
Oh, this week's game (instead of Penny Can or Stranger Touch), Things Ellie Would Never Say. Such as "I'll help you move," "tell me about your kids," or "I love Valentine's Day." Actually, Ellie DOES love Valentine's Day because Andy (Ian Gomez
) gives her the most awesome gifts. In return Ellie gives him (no, not his low self-esteem, Laurie) a sex coupon redeemable anytime. (Which we never heard of before.) Ellie is "disappointed" he always loses them, but she was even more disappointed to find out he had been saving them. Oopsie, ten years worth of coupons into a sex-travaganza over Valentine's Day. (LAURIE: Shivering. It's like when your foster dad goes to the fridge for another beer when you know he drank the last one ten minutes ago.) Ellie ran out so fast, she left skidmarks. But Andy wasn't deterred.
As Bobby (Brian Van Holt
) presented Grayson with a book of tips on how to deal with Jules as a Valentine's Day gift, since he is into giving other guys gifts for Valentine's Day (I actually liked the sweater he gave Andy), Jules still couldn't sleep. Sex was out, since no kissing made her feel like a pro...and got her too excited. Talking with Tom didn't help (who was outside her window in the middle of the night), and interrupting Travis (Dan Byrd
) while he has a girl in lingerie in front of his green screen didn't help Jules...and REALLY didn't help Travis. (Travis got a hot girl to swing on wires in her underwear in front of his green screen? Howard going into space on The Big Bang Theory
was more realistic!) Jules agreed Travis' playdates haven't changed much since he was a kid, but both of them were in better shape than someone who had spent most of the ight with a Cuban man crawling all over her. Ellie was not in good spirits, but everyone thought a little peer pressure would work on Jules to get her to take a sleeping pill. Laurie took one on a plane to Phoenix and decided to roll with the punches and live there for a year. (It really is a dry heat, BTW.) Jules caves and tells Grayson to get her pills from the pharmacist. But Grayson's been operating from Bobby's playbook and it has work beautifully, such as distracting Jules with shoe talk when she's upset or acting like you'll screw up a menial task that you don't really want to do. It was the best Valentine's Day gift Grayson ever got. Just like the free sex coupons Andy got, if Ellie's desperate drain-her-sorrows-with-whiskey is anything to go by.
Naturally, the sleeping pill worked. Jules was out cold. What are the odds she'd stay that way? It's a sitcom; OF COURSE she won't just sleep through the night. But a confident Grayson thinks he doesn't need Bobby's playbook on Jules anymore, nor did he need Bobby's flip book of stick-figure positions of what Jules likes when she is horny from waking up after a long sleep. But here's a list of the things Jules did during the night: 1) banged the cabinets and ate peanut butter with her fingers...at Ellie and Andy's place, 2) did an interpretive dance in front of Tom (Bob Clendenin
), and 3) stared out at the ocean while straddling Grayson, although he took advantage of the situation. Which was better than Jules, who tried to rely on Andy and Tom to solve her insomnia...and failed miserably.
Travis asked Grayson why he gave Bobby his tips on Jules back. Grayson was upset that Bobby would give him a book of tips that worked while he was married to Jules, but Travis let him know Bobby wrote that book (and the stick-figure flip books, which was how Travis learned to put on a condom) after they divorced in case he got another chance with Jules. Clearly Bobby considered Grayson a friend if he gave him that book, which gave Grayson some perspective.
Over at Ellie's, she figured out the perfect place to hide from Andy and his sex coupons: she spent the night at Laurie's. She already had to accept four coupons from Andy in a day and a half. But Laurie thinks it's amazing that Andy still wants to "grind nasties" with Ellie all of the time after all those years of marriage. She hopes to have that herself some day.
ELLIE: You're all right, Jelly. (realizes) Hey, things Ellie would never say!
LAURIE: That may be the best one yet.
Ellie goes home to apologize to Andy, admitting she was really a "have sex occasionally, and if it's the right time of day and if you make the mistake of asking me for it" type of girl.
ELLIE: I want you to be happy, and I am really lucky to have you as a husband who is as crazy to have me now as the day we met.
ANDY: (with a smile) Things Ellie Would Never Say.
Ellie offered to redeem a coupon before he went to work, but he had her present at the ready: the remaining coupons all torn up. She thought it was the greatest present ever. (ELLIE: You're sure they're all in here, right?)
As Jules tries to work off her insomnia...and discovers being a real estate agent doesn't lend itself to that...Grayson goes to thank Bobby for being so cool to watch one of their friends marry their ex. He asks Bobby for the book of tips back because he wants to help Jules sleep. The last page had something, albeit a bit fairy-tale like: a magical kiss. Which Grayson gives her despite the pain. Works like a charm. And Grayson suddenly remembered Jules likes the freaky stuff from Bobby's flip book of stick figures. (It involves Grayson doing the splits.)