Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters (2012 TV Special)

Jeff Dunham: Self, Achmed Jr., Walter, Bubba J, Peanut, José Jalapeño on a Stick, Little Jeff, Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Quotes 

• Jeff Dunham : [Peanut is dressed as a Batman-type superhero]  So you're Batman.

  Peanut : No, no, no!

  [low voice] 

  Peanut : I'm Bat*nut*!

  Jeff Dunham : Batnut?

  Peanut : [still low voice]  Yes! Batnut, nut-based avenger of the night!

  Jeff Dunham : Is that why you're talking like that?

  Peanut : Of course!

  Jeff Dunham : Batnut.

  Peanut : Yes.

  Jeff Dunham : You sound more like you're the Joker.

  [laughs; Peanut stares] 

  Peanut : Okay, shut up! I'll do the talking, you just stand there and try to look like you're doing something besides just standing there.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I used to be a suicide bomber. Now I'm a suicide bomb*shell*.

• Peanut : I have everything Batman has except one thing.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : A butler.

  [looks at Jeff] 

  Jeff Dunham : Funny.

  Peanut : Aw, come on, dude! You'd make a great butler.

  Jeff Dunham : No.

  Peanut : Just go with it. You're Batnut's butler.

  Jeff Dunham : Great.

  Peanut : The Nutler! Now, Nutler, go iron my cape and disinfect my polyester bat shorts.

• Jeff Dunham : It seems to me like I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a Batman.

  Peanut : And I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a white man.

• José Jalapeño on a Stick : [referring to Peanut]  He is not Batnut, he is Captain A-hole.

• José Jalapeño on a Stick : I wanted to dress as something that gave me nightmares.

  Peanut : Like a big plate of nachos?

  [cackles] 

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : No, I wanted to dress as an ugly whore.

  Peanut : Why didn't you?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I could not find a mask that looks like your sister.

• Jeff Dunham : All right, so, Bubba J, you're a vampire.

  Bubba J : Yup, and I've come to suck your beer!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  So, where you're from, are there female suicide bombers?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : We're pushing for it.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It's a lot easier than divorce. Think about it...!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  Is there any particular movie that scares you?

  Walter : Yeah, a film of my wedding. But if I'm depressed, I watch it backwards.

  [Walter looks out at the audience] 

  Walter : You get it? She walks away!

• Walter : Do you know what scares me now?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Walter : When my wife says "Does this thong make my ass look fat?".

  Jeff Dunham : You didn't answer that, right?

  Walter : I guess I shouldn't have.

  Jeff Dunham : What did you say?

  Walter : I asked her if it was a thong or if her ass grew over her panties.

  Jeff Dunham : That's terrible.

  Walter : Yeah, I probably should've stopped there.

  Jeff Dunham : What else did you say?

  Walter : I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat, your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat. The thong is the victim."

  Jeff Dunham : Why are you telling me all of this?

  Walter : It's a horror show, right?

• Bubba J : I'm Count Beercula! And I drink Blood-weiser!

  [laughs] 

  Jeff Dunham : Anything else?

  Bubba J : Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.

  Jeff Dunham : How's that?

  Bubba J : My coffin has a gun rack.

  Jeff Dunham : Really?

  Bubba J : And I bit my cousin.

• Jeff Dunham : Good evening, Walter.

  Walter : [dressed as a Frankenstein-type monster]  Do I look like Walter?

  Jeff Dunham : Well, you look like a Walter-Frankenstein.

  Walter : Well then, call me Crankenstein.

  Jeff Dunham : All right, Crankenstein, you look good.

  Walter : No, I don't! I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk!

  [pauses] 

  Walter : No offense, Hulk.

  Jeff Dunham : You don't look like either one of them.

  Walter : Then I look like Gumby in a nursing home. How about that?

  [laughs] 

  Walter : That would make you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!

• Jeff Dunham : Your coffin has a gun rack?

  Bubba J : Everything I own has a gun rack. My gun rack has a gun rack. My coffee maker has a gun rack. My dishwasher has a gun rack.

  Jeff Dunham : Your dishwasher?

  Bubba J : Actually, I don't have a dishwasher.

  Jeff Dunham : Oh.

  Bubba J : My wife is my dishwasher, but she has a rack! I could rest my pistol there, if you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? 'Cause I don't.

• Jeff Dunham : Look, do you really think "Batnut" scares criminals?

  Peanut : Of course! Especially if they have a nut allergy.

• Walter : The love changes when you get older.

  Jeff Dunham : How's that?

  Walter : Well, you go from wanting to make out in a car to wanting to run over each other with a car. You go from "I was struck by Cupid's arrow," to "Maybe she'll get hit by a frickin' Camaro." From "Hold me and love me," to "Kiss my ass and die, bitch."

• [opening lines] 

  Achmed Jr. : Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls, / The moon shines fully as specters howl. / This scary house, this lonely road, / Revenge is coming, and best served cold. / Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls. / Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls. / Peanut, José, shall know their place, / Like my awful father, who scarred my face. / One by one, they'll learn they're damned / To "Minding the Monsters" with Jeff Dun-HAM!

  [laughs evilly to a flash of lightning and a thunderclap] 

• Peanut : I actually think I'm better than Batman.

  Jeff Dunham : How's that?

  Peanut : I have one extra power that he does not.

  Jeff Dunham : And that is...

  Peanut : Bat telepathy!

  Jeff Dunham : Bat telepathy?

  Peanut : Yes, it's like ES-Peanut. I have the ability to read your mind.

  Jeff Dunham : No, you...

  Peanut : ...DON'T!

  [nods] 

  Jeff Dunham : Come on, that's...

  Peanut : ...ridiculous! It's like I knew what you were gonna say right when you did!

  Jeff Dunham : Well, of course you did, because...

  Peanut : ...I like to stare at Justin Bieber pictures and dream about being his secret girlfriend.

  Jeff Dunham : Now you're making stuff up.

  Peanut : Am I?

  Jeff Dunham : Yes, but I...

  Peanut : ...put honey in certain places for my little doggy to lick.

• Peanut : You know what scares José? A deep fryer and cheese up his ass.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I know someone else who has cheese up their ass.

  Peanut : Yeah, who?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Ask your mother.

  Jeff Dunham : All right!

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Walter, technically, you're not really Frankenstein.

  Walter : What?

  Jeff Dunham : Well, most people don't realize this, but the monster was the Monster, and Frankenstein was actually the doctor.

  Walter : Well, thank you, Professor Googles-Too-Fucking-Much! Yeah, you should tweet that. How about that? Then you can tweet, "I'm a huge dork! Frowny face, hashtag dumbass".

• Jeff Dunham : [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick, Ruben]  So on Halloween, when you guys aren't Batnut and Ruben, do you go trick-or-treating?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Si. We go home to home.

  Jeff Dunham : Ah.

  Peanut : Unless he's out of work.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : Then he goes Home Depot to Home Depot.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J]  You have hair.

  Bubba J : I know. It's a miracle! It's like an armpit grew on my head.

• Jeff Dunham : I'm not gonna be your butler.

  Peanut : Nutler!

  Jeff Dunham : Whatever! I'm not doing it.

  Peanut : Oh, it's not like you have anything else to do.

  Jeff Dunham : What does that mean?

  Peanut : Seriously, what do you do when the other guys and I aren't here? Walk around looking for other folks to stand next to?

  [nods] 

  Peanut : You even already have a butler name.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : Dun-HAAAAAM!

  [British accent] 

  Peanut : Oh, Dun-ham, bring me my tea. It's time to butter the scones.

  [normal voice] 

  Peanut : I can even have a little bell. Ding ding!

  [British voice] 

  Peanut : Jef-fa-fa! I want my scones.

  Jeff Dunham : I'm not taking orders from you.

  Peanut : You would if I did it in a voice.

  [low voice] 

  Peanut : Jef-fa-fa! Time to polish the Nutarang. And please fluff the padding in my cup.

• Jeff Dunham : Why is Batman's voice like that anyway?

  Peanut : I don't know, suit's too tight?

  [strained voice] 

  Peanut : This suit's a little tight, Alfred, it's kind of scrunching up the Dynamic Duo.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [dressed as a woman]  So Jeffrey, do you like my hoochers?

  Jeff Dunham : That's, uh, "hooters".

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You can call them whatever you want. You just have to buy me dinner first.

  [Jeff looks at Achmed's dress] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Hey!

  [Jeff looks up at Achmed's face] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : My eyes are up here! My hoochers do not talk. But of course, you could make them talk if you wanted to, couldn't you? Hell, you could make my voice come out of my vajayjay if you wanted to. Or as I call it, my terror cave!

  [looks out at audience] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

• Jeff Dunham : [talking about Frankenstein]  Walter, you went from "Frankenstein" to "circumstision"... "-cision"...

  Walter : Focus! What the hell is "circumstision"? Sounds like something they cut out of the Constitution. Just the top part.

  Jeff Dunham : All right.

  Walter : Yeah, by the forefathers.

  Jeff Dunham : All right!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Peanut and José]  As Batnut and Ruben, do you have an archenemy, some sort of villain?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Si, señor.

  Peanut : Oh yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : Really?

  Peanut : Yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : Can we see him?

  Peanut : You see him every day.

  Jeff Dunham : [confused]  What?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : [loudly]  He said, "You see him every day"!

  Jeff Dunham : I heard him.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Then why did you say "What?"

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : [yelling]  He said, "Why did you say what?"

  Jeff Dunham : Why are you yelling?

  Peanut : Because you keep saying "what"!

• Peanut : [to José about Jeff, who keeps saying "What?"]  He's getting old.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : See?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : He said "What?" again.

  Peanut : It's downhill after 50.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : He's been farting more now, too.

  Peanut : I know, old guys do that.

  Jeff Dunham : Excuse me!

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I think he farted again.

  Peanut : At least he's polite.

  Jeff Dunham : You guys?

  Peanut : [loudly]  Yes, Jeff?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : It's okay to get old, señor.

  Peanut : It happens to everyone.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Unless you die first.

• Jeff Dunham : [Achmed is dressed like a woman]  So, Achmed, why are you dressed like this?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You told me to dress like the scariest thing I could think of.

  Jeff Dunham : What are you?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I am a woman!

  Jeff Dunham : Just a woman?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Worse, an *American* woman!

  [laughs evilly] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : SILENCE! Impossible.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  If you don't like the costume, then why'd you pick this one?

  Walter : We're supposed to dress as whatever scared us as a kid.

  Jeff Dunham : Oh, so for you, that was Frankenstein.

  Walter : Actually, it was a Catholic priest, but...

  [the audience cheers] 

  Walter : But everybody gets mad when I offend the Mexicans.

• Jeff Dunham : What's so scary about an American woman?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : They can vote.

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah, and they can drive.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Not the Asian ones.

  Jeff Dunham : That is incredibly racist.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yet factually correct.

  Jeff Dunham : How do you know?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I learned it in Cosmo.

  Jeff Dunham : Cosmo?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I took the quiz.

  Jeff Dunham : The quiz?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yes, the quiz: "Are you a racist bitch?"

  Jeff Dunham : I see.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And guess what?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Ta-da!

• Jeff Dunham : So Bubba J, why do you choose to be a vampire?

  Bubba J : Well, we have a lot in common.

  Jeff Dunham : How's that?

  Bubba J : We both hang around with folks with red necks.

  Jeff Dunham : Makes sense.

  Bubba J : Yeah, and if you're a redneck vampire, you can only be killed by a silver mullet.

  [laughs] 

  Bubba J : Or a chicken-fried stake through the heart.

• Jeff Dunham : Walter, are you ever happy?

  Walter : You should hope not.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Walter : Can you imagine me coming here in a good mood? "Hi, everybody. I'm Walter, and life is peachy!" You'd be working at Starbucks in a fucking week.

• Jeff Dunham : [in response to being called a "middle-aged dumbass"]  Middle-aged dumbass?

  Walter : Which part of that do you not like the most? "Middle-aged" or "dumbass"?

  Jeff Dunham : What do you think?

  Walter : Well, you're only as old as you feel, but "dumbass" is in the DNA.

• Jeff Dunham : So, Bubba J, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?

  Bubba J : Oh-ho, I'm Team Jack Daniels. Yeah, I've seen those Twilight vampires. I'm not sure about that. That one main guy, he's got a six-pack.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Bubba J : Yeah, big deal. I've got a keg.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  So what else scares you about American women?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Besides everything? The money.

  Jeff Dunham : The money?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You marry an American women, and in no time, all your money for bombs is gone! She blows money on shoes, I have no money to blow up the Jews.

  [the audience laughs while Jeff stares at Achmed] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Whaaat? I don't mean just the Jews, but it rhymes! "Shoes" and "Jews". I could've said, you know, "slacks" and "blacks". But "Jews" is funnier. And I like black folks. Oh, we white chicks love the black guys!

• Jeff Dunham : So, like Batman, do you have a signal in the sky to summon you?

  Peanut : Well, I've been trying to figure that out. First, I was gonna have a big bat in the sky, but then I thought, no, that's Batman. Then I thought, I know, I'll have one big nut in the sky. Then I thought, no, that's Lance Armstrong.

• Walter : I'll take "Things That Will Never Get You Laid" for 500, Alex.

• Jeff Dunham : So, as a skeleton...

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [gasps]  What did you call me?

  Jeff Dunham : A skeleton.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, you're just trying to flatter me. I still need to lose ten more pounds.

  Jeff Dunham : You're all bones.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I know! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGELINAAAAA! Seriously, eat something, anything, a fucking sandwich, whatever.

• Jeff Dunham : [relating a story from his childhood when cars had no seat belts]  I would run around back there, and when my mother was driving, she would not pay any attention to me. My mother, still to this day, has a big, giant beehive hairdo. Pretty much Marge Simpson hair, but not the same color, you know what I'm saying? Looks like that. She also has these giant curlers she uses, and she put them all over her hair. And I remember standing in the backseat, and I would look at her hair, this big, giant beehive of hairdo, all held together with AquaNet. And these big, giant curlers would make these holes, which looked like caves to me. I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this. I remember standing back there, staring at the hair, and then I looked over on the seat of the car and, oh, there's a little rubber, plastic spider, a black spider. This is all true. I took that black spider, and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls. Fantastic, looked great. I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought, nah, that's not good enough. I found a pencil. I took the pencil. She's not paying any attention. This is all true. Didn't know I was doing this. And I took that pencil and ever so gently pushed it back to the back of the curl, deep into the caves of curls. Gone! Four days later... I'm not kidding. Four days later, my bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom. My mother would comb out of her hair about once a month. It was four days later, she's in the bathroom, combing out her hair. The bloodcurdling scream that came when that spider fell onto her lap was worth the beating I took later that night.

• [Jeff brought out Little Jeff, dressed in a green bodysuit with the letter L on it and wearing a mask that has a huge letter L on it; he is Batnut's archenemy] 

  Peanut : Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Loser!

  Little Jeff : [dramatically]  I am the Loser!

  Jeff Dunham : Peanut?

  Peanut : Wait, wait! He has to say it again!

  Little Jeff : [dramatically]  I am a Loser!

  Jeff Dunham : We got it. And why do you think this is funny?

  Peanut : He's a loser!

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : [from inside the box]  Maybe it's you, señor.

  Jeff Dunham : I know that.

  Peanut : Yeah, it's Dunham and Dunham-er!

  Little Jeff : [dramatically]  We are the Losers!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed, dressed as a woman]  So what size dress is that?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [gasps]  You never ask a woman that! But if you must know, I am now a size zero.

  Jeff Dunham : How'd you get down to a size zero?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : My weight loss program, suicide bombing...

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I lost 200 pounds in 0.2 seconds. Now I can eat whatever I want. Seriously, it goes right through me. Give me a cheeseburger and a bucket.

• Walter : Frankenstein. Sounds like a Jewish name. You think Dr. Frankenstein was Jewish?

  Jeff Dunham : I don't know.

  Walter : That would explain a lot.

  Jeff Dunham : Why is that?

  Walter : He was digging up used body parts.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Walter : Probably to save money.

  [looks out at audience] 

  Walter : Oh, tell me I'm wrong! Yeah, that's it, he was Jewish! And that explains why his monster was angry all the time.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Walter : Because he's circumcised, the poor bastard! Now that changes the movie completely. He's killing the villagers because he's deranged! No, he's not, his wiener hurts! And it was somebody else's. You know, if I were really that monster, wherever the doctor was digging up parts, I'd hope that cemetery had one dead black guy and no Asians.

  [nods as the audience laughs] 

  Walter : That's right, I did a racist wiener joke. Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.

• Jeff Dunham : Bubba J, I was wondering something.

  Bubba J : Yeah, that happens to me a lot, too.

  Jeff Dunham : What I was going to say is, what happens if a vampire drinks the blood of an alcoholic?

  Bubba J : [gasps]  That's genius! I got a blood alcohol level of 3.4. I should bite myself! Wait, if I do that, will I go blind?

  [the audience laughs] 

  Jeff Dunham : No.

  Bubba J : Oh yeah, that's something else, isn't it? Yeah, okay, no, no.

  Jeff Dunham : But that's a pretty high blood alcohol level.

  Bubba J : Yeah, drink too much of my blood, and you'll end up going home with an ugly chick with a lazy eye. And you won't even realize she's a he!

• Jeff Dunham : [to José, who is dressed as Batnut's sidekick Ruben]  So, uh, Ruben, are you a fan of Batman and Robin?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : No.

  Jeff Dunham : Then why are you dressed like this?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Señor Peanut put these clothes on me.

  [Peanut nods] 

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I could not stop him.

  Jeff Dunham : Why couldn't you stop him?

  Peanut : [amused]  He doesn't have any arms!

  [laughs silently] 

• Jeff Dunham : [to Peanut]  So, do you have any weapons?

  Peanut : Of course! Batman has the Batarang; I have the Nutarang!

  Jeff Dunham : The Nutarang?

  Peanut : Yes, it does exactly what you think it does. But when it comes back, I don't wanna catch it. And I have two of them! I call them the Dynamic Duo! And I keep them near the Batpole!

  Jeff Dunham : Are you finished?

  Peanut : Yes! No more double entendres!

  Jeff Dunham : [nods]  Thank you.

  Peanut : Until the next one!

  Jeff Dunham : Peanut!

  Peanut : Don't get testicle!

  Jeff Dunham : Oh, come on!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  Do you like scary movies?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, yes. My favorites are "I Know What You Did Last Ramadan", "Dr. Jekyll and Hide or We'll All Be Killed!", but my favorite is "SILENCE! Of the Lambs". And thank God they are silent. Oh, if the lambs could talk...

  Jeff Dunham : Achmed, could we please stop with the sheep jokes? There's children watching.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Really?

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Then it's time for the talk.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : When a man and a sheep love each other very much...

  Jeff Dunham : Will you stop it?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : That's what the sheep always say. That's why you have to go with a lamb; they're silent.

• Jeff Dunham : What about life after death?

  Walter : Huh?

  Jeff Dunham : Some people think that even after death, you're still together for all of eternity.

  Walter : I'm pretty sure you just told me to go to hell.

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Bubba J, you kinda look like the Count on "Sesame Street".

  Bubba J : Oh. That's the vampire that knows how to count, right?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Bubba J : That's where he and I are different.

  Jeff Dunham : So how high can you count?

  Bubba J : Six. When I buy a 12-pack, I just have to trust 'em.

  Jeff Dunham : Well, you can just buy two six-packs.

  Bubba J : [whimpers]  I think I hurt my brain.

• Jeff Dunham : Are there any Batman villains that frighten you?

  Peanut : Oh yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : Which one?

  Peanut : The clown that dresses weird and wears too much makeup.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Peanut : So any of the Orange County Housewives.

• Jeff Dunham : [to José as Ruben]  As Batnut's sidekick, do you have any responsibilities?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : No.

  Jeff Dunham : Nothing? You don't even drive a car?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : No.

  Peanut : That would be stick on stick. And that's illegal in some states.

• Jeff Dunham : Achmed...

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No, no! Achmedina.

  Jeff Dunham : Do you dress like this often?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No, only when I want free drinks.

  [looks out at audience] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  You love your wife.

  Walter : Yeah, I know, but on our wedding, when she came walking down the aisle, with that giant hair and all that makeup, I felt like yelling, "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter, trying to steer their conversation to the topic of Halloween]  Do you guys still get a lot of trick-or-treaters?

  Walter : Not anymore.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Walter : Well, a couple of years ago, unfortunately, my wife answered the door with one of her knockers hanging out of her robe. Yeah, we still get therapy bills from those kids.

  Jeff Dunham : Did you actually say "knockers"?

  Walter : Yeah, I guess now they're more like flappers. Hell, if she moves just right, they flop like two doggy doors. Oh yeah, last week, she did jumping jacks and ended up with two black eyes.

• Bubba J : I love Halloween. Trick or drink!

  Jeff Dunham : Trick or treat.

  Bubba J : Not on my road.

  Jeff Dunham : What do you do, hand out cans of beer?

  Bubba J : [laughs]  That'd be dumb. No, no. I squirt 'em in the mouth with a keg hose. Yeah, that ain't no normal golden shower.

  Jeff Dunham : [chuckles]  I wouldn't know.

  Bubba J : Heh. Yeah, whatever.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [to Jeff]  Hey! I see you looking at me. What do you think?

  Jeff Dunham : Uh, nice hair.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh yes, and I promise you, the drapes match the carpets...

  [raises and lowers his eyebrows at audience, who cheers softly; he gets annoyed] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What? I was talking about my beard, you idiots! I don't have carpet carpet.

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Walter, these people came here to be entertained.

  Walter : Not all of 'em. You know, there's a handful of guys sitting out there right now whose wives were like, "Oh, come on, we have to go see the middle-aged dumbass and his dolls." And now those guys are sitting out there right now, going, "Son of a bitch. It's a middle-aged dumbass and his dolls." And now you're playing dress-up with your dolls. When's the tea party, Ken?

• Jeff Dunham : [to José]  So, do you have super powers?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Si.

  Jeff Dunham : What are they?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I can hit you with my stick.

  Peanut : Or poke you in the eye.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : If you eat me, I burn your ass.

  Peanut : [nods]  And if you mix him with bad guacamole, he can give you the cha-cha-chas.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J, who is dressed as a vampire]  I think this is a good choice for you.

  Bubba J : Yeah. I wanted to be a ghost, but somebody backstage told me a redneck in a white sheet wasn't a good idea.

• Walter : Then there are the teenagers who show up at your door with a sack and no costume.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Walter : They just have the munchies from smoking too much weed.

  Jeff Dunham : Weed?

  Walter : Yeah, you know, pot.

  Jeff Dunham : I know.

  Walter : Mary Jane.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Walter : Ganja, the chronic, the Bangkok blastoff, the sticky icky...

  Jeff Dunham : How do you know all this?

  Walter : I have glaucoma.

• Peanut : You know what the worst superhero name is?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : Green Lantern. Named after a lamp. It's like, "I'm the Silver Toaster! Stand back or I'll warm you!"

• Jeff Dunham : [to José as Ruben]  Have you ever been a sidekick before?

  Peanut : No, but he's been a side dish.

  [cackles] 

  Peanut : Get it? A side dish!

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : With cheese for your mother.

  Jeff Dunham : All right!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J, dressed as a vampire]  Like this, I think you're pretty scary.

  Bubba J : Thanks.

  Jeff Dunham : But what scares you?

  Bubba J : Tornadoes, breathalyzers... and books with words.

  Jeff Dunham : Well, I agree with you on the tornadoes.

  Bubba J : Yeah, it's pretty scary when you get into bed and the room is spinning the wrong way. Think about it... I don't think Dorothy's house really went anywhere. She was just drunk off her ass.

• José Jalapeño on a Stick : [from inside the box, about Little Jeff as the Loser]  Ask him about his powers, señor.

  Peanut : Yeah, yeah! C'mon, ask him!

  Jeff Dunham : I'm not talking to a doll.

  [long pause; audience laughs] 

  Peanut : Aw, c'mon, ask him about his powers.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Please, señor?

  Peanut : Come on!

  Jeff Dunham : All right, all right!

  [to Little Jeff] 

  Jeff Dunham : So, uh, Loser, what are your powers?

  Peanut : [laughs]  You talked to a fucking doll! You're a loser! Oh my god! You need a big L on your forehead, too!

  Jeff Dunham : [exasperated]  Okay, so does he have any powers?

  Peanut : Nope!

  Little Jeff : Losers!

  Jeff Dunham : All right.

  Peanut : He's just like you, except everything is smaller.

  Little Jeff : Not everything.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  You look good.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No, I'm not. I'm bloated. I feel fat. I have cramps. I'm going to cry!

  Jeff Dunham : What's wrong?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I don't know!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  You're not exactly young anymore.

  Walter : Hey! Let's think about this for a second.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Walter : How long have I been in the show?

  Jeff Dunham : Twenty-four years.

  Walter : Twenty-four years! So anybody who might've seen our show 24 years ago...

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah?

  Walter : *I* look exactly the same. *You* do not. Yeah, this show started out "Young Man, Old Man". Pretty soon, we're gonna be the stinkin' Sunshine Boys.

• Jeff Dunham : So Bubba J, if you were a real vampire, you'd have to stay inside all day.

  Bubba J : Yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : What would you do?

  Bubba J : I'd watch NASCAR on my plasma TV.

  Jeff Dunham : Oh. Wait a minute, you have a plasma TV?

  Bubba J : Well, sort of. It's a regular TV, but I call it that 'cause I sold my blood to get it.

• Peanut : Does Batman fart?

  Jeff Dunham : I don't know.

  Peanut : Yeah, but his are probably just like him: silent but deadly. Wait! Did you hear that?

  Jeff Dunham : No.

  Peanut : Then you're already dead!

• Peanut : Captain America is cool. Captain Mexico is his mortal enemy; always trying to take his job. And, of course, Captain America's shield is built by Captain China.

  Jeff Dunham : Captain China?

  Peanut : Yeah, and sometimes he teams up with the fearsome fighter from France.

  Jeff Dunham : What does he do?

  Peanut : Just bitch, waits for help, then surrenders.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I think the expression is, "Once you go black, you never go back to white or medium to small animals," something like that.

• Jeff Dunham : [about Walter's wedding]  So how'd the service go?

  Walter : Well, the worst part was when the minister asked if anybody objected and no one would listen to me.

  Jeff Dunham : Maybe they couldn't hear you.

  Walter : Hey, you're right. You weren't there!

• Jeff Dunham : [José, as Batnut's sidekick Ruben, is wearing a mask]  So, José, where'd you get the mask?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Señor Peanut.

  Peanut : All he needed was a piece of material with two holes in it.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Peanut : So that's my underwear.

  [cackles and nods] 

  Jeff Dunham : His mask is your underwear?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Is that why my eyes are burning?

  Peanut : [nods]  Thank you, Taco Bell!

• Jeff Dunham : As I grew up, I learned to appreciate all those monster things, and then when I had children, I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing. My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid, she was a master at scaring people. And when you're scared, there's one of two things that happens to you. You have one of two emotions usually, and it's either fight or flight. And you don't know which one you're gonna do until you're actually really, really scared, and I've never actually been really, really scared until my daughter started scaring me! This little twerp can jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and...

  [mimics child making a startling sound] 

  Jeff Dunham : ... and I was like, "WAH!" And I wasn't a flight; I didn't scream like a girl and run away. I started punching! The worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom, I was cleaning a toilet, I had the plunger, I was plunging the toilet, I got finished, I was walking down the hall, middle of the night like this.

  [walks across the stage] 

  Jeff Dunham : She jumped out of nowhere. My first reaction was, like, "Whoa-oh-oh!"

  [pretends to swing a stick] 

  Jeff Dunham : And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost killed me with a plunger! Whoo!" She's laughing. That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office. I had a desk that was fully enclosed. When you'd sit underneath it, it was a little cave under there. She learned to hide under there, and she would sit there patiently. That's what's so evil about it. She would wait for ten minutes and then reach out and grab my legs. I'd be like...

  [grunts] 

  Jeff Dunham : She eventually learned to take a pillow with her. You'd be like, "Aah!"

  [makes kicking motion] 

  Jeff Dunham : What the...? Oh.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J, who has hair as part of his vampire costume]  I'll bet you didn't even recognize yourself in a mirror.

  Bubba J : Oh, I never look in a mirror.

  Jeff Dunham : Why not?

  Bubba J : Because in a mirror, I'm backwards, and it scares me.

  Jeff Dunham : It scares you?

  Bubba J : Yeah, because I know that all mirrors are actually windows to that world where everything they do is the opposite of us.

  [nods] 

  Bubba J : And when they look in the mirror, they see us, and we're doing everything they do but backwards to them.

  [nods again] 

  Jeff Dunham : That's ridiculous.

  Bubba J : I know, but you can't prove me wrong!

  Jeff Dunham : Bubba J...

  Bubba J : And sometimes, folks from that world lose their way and then somehow end up in this world. They are amongst us!

  Jeff Dunham : How can you tell?

  Bubba J : They're easy to spot.

  Jeff Dunham : How?

  Bubba J : Because they write with their left hands!

• Jeff Dunham : [about Little Jeff, who is dressed as Batnut's archenemy, The Loser]  Does he have one power at all?

  Peanut : Yes, he has one power.

  Jeff Dunham : What is it?

  Peanut : He can repulse women with a single sentence! Watch.

  Little Jeff : I am a ventriloquist!

• Jeff Dunham : Look, Achmed, I don't think this costume is that scary.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, really? What if I came to your door? Ding-dong! Remember that night at Applebee's? I'm carrying your child!

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah, that would be scary.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And it's worse for you: when an angry blonde woman comes to your door, she doesn't want candy, she wants half!

• Jeff Dunham : So Bubba J, what do you like most about Halloween?

  Bubba J : Oh, I like it when hot girls dress up like sexy kittens.

  Jeff Dunham : Kittens?

  Bubba J : Yeah, which, after too much beer, led to my unfortunate incident with my neighbor's cat. Yeah, I still have scratches in bad places. And one really good one. So does the cat.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I've been working on a new weapon.

  Jeff Dunham : A new weapon?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Just for female suicide bombers.

  Jeff Dunham : What's that?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : A tam-bomb. Just pull the string...

  [imitates explosion, then laughs as Jeff holds his head in embarrassment] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You know that's a good one!

• Walter : [about Frankenstein's monster]  Why was the doctor's monster seven feet tall?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Walter : That's dangerous! He should've started with a small monster.

  Jeff Dunham : Small monster?

  Walter : Yeah, Frankenmidget. Then if he goes nuts, just strap his ass to the kid's car seat and drive around till he falls asleep. Parents do it all the time. If he gets loose, what's the worst that could happen? You get a call from the villagers: "Hey, come get your monster! He's in our yard, and he's humping our cat!" "That's impossible, his wiener hurts."

• Jeff Dunham : [about Little Jeff as The Loser]  So does he do anything?

  Peanut : He plays with dolls!

  Little Jeff : That's me!

  Peanut : And he plays with himself for hours.

  Little Jeff : That's more him than me.

• Jeff Dunham : So Bubba J, what else scares you?

  Bubba J : Being kidnapped by aliens.

  Jeff Dunham : Right.

  Bubba J : The ones from space, not Mexico.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria's Secret model.

  Jeff Dunham : Really?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I know what their secret is.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  [Achmed makes a retching sound] 

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Walter, middle-age is a state of mind.

  Walter : Not when your ass starts leaking.

  [the audience laughs as Walter looks out at them; he nods] 

  Walter : Yeah, there's a couple of old farts in the front row, going, "Yeah, he's right, Lars. My ass is leaking. He's right."

• José Jalapeño on a Stick : [about Peanut as Batnut]  He looks like something a gay cat coughed up.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J]  Do you ever have any trouble around your neighborhood on Halloween?

  Bubba J : Yeah, last Halloween, somebody threw toilet tissue all over my trailer.

  Jeff Dunham : Really?

  Bubba J : Yeah. Just in time, too. I was out of leaves and down to pine cones.

• Jeff Dunham : I don't like the name "The Loser".

  Peanut : You're right. He probably isn't really a loser.

  Jeff Dunham : Thank you.

  Peanut : I say we get a new mask for him that's shaped like a W.

  Jeff Dunham : Okay.

  Little Jeff : I am the Wuss!

• Jeff Dunham : So Bubba J, did you ever go trick or treating when you were a kid?

  Bubba J : Yeah, but where I lived it wasn't easy.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Bubba J : It's hard to go trick-or-treating when any house you're at could suddenly pull away. Ding-dong. Trick or treat.

  [makes the sound of a house speeding away] 

  Bubba J : He's got Milky Ways! Shoot the tires!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  Your wife is happy and healthy, and she's always in a good mood.

  Walter : I know, and it's the worst in the mornings. Good god. It's like, "Oh, good morning, sunshine!"

  [giggles mockingly] 

  Walter : Holy crap. Makes me wanna dropkick her frickin' poodle.

  [makes a kicking sound, then makes the sound of a dog whimpering, then laughs] 

  Walter : "Mornin', honey! It's a kick-ass day now!"

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It's easy for me to play a woman, because after the explosion, my man-junk was never recovered. I should've worn a cup.

  Jeff Dunham : A cup?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : But a good one, like the one Venus Williams wears.

• Jeff Dunham : Every superhero has an archenemy.

  Peanut : Yes.

  Jeff Dunham : But so does every villain.

  Peanut : That's true.

  Jeff Dunham : So does the Loser have an archenemy?

  Peanut : Of course!

  Little Jeff : Only one.

  Jeff Dunham : Who's that?

  Little Jeff : The evil, the ruthless, Al E. Moany!

  Peanut : Get it? Alimony?

  Jeff Dunham : I got it.

  Little Jeff : And there's one superhero who can save me from Al E. Moany.

  Jeff Dunham : Who's that?

  Peanut : He's strong but stupid, wealthy but easily manipulated!

  Jeff Dunham : And that is...

  Little Jeff : New Husbandman!

  Peanut : But she's not that stupid, right?

  Jeff Dunham : Well, legally, per the agreement, I'm not allowed to talk about this.

  Peanut : But we can?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah, you're good.

  Peanut : To be continued!

• Jeff Dunham : [dressed as a woman, Achmed referred to his "vajayjay" as a "terror cave"]  Your carrot cake?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What? I said "terror cave".

  Jeff Dunham : Oh, I thought you said "carrot cake".

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What the hell? What now, you're looking for my frosting? Okay, but it's sour cream-based!