Modern Family (TV Series)

When a Tree Falls (2012)

Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Claire Dunphy : You don't make a shiv out of a knife.

  Phil Dunphy : Yeah. You make it out of a rusty spoon, or a shard of glass.

  Claire Dunphy : Or a human femur.

  Phil Dunphy : Exactly. Be creative.

• Phil Dunphy : Sorry about that. I went a little nuts there. I don't know what happened.

  Jay Pritchett : I do. I was ragging on you in front of your friends.

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, yeah.

  Jay Pritchett : Sorry about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

  Phil Dunphy : Why not?

  Jay Pritchett : I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got nothing in common. It's only gonna get worse. I mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid in ten years?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, my goodness. You're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

  Jay Pritchett : Shut up.

  Phil Dunphy : Who's a shy bunny?

  Jay Pritchett : You wanna go one more round, without the gloves?

  Phil Dunphy : I'm just playing around, Jay. I don't care how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all day. Those guys really liked you, too.

  Jay Pritchett : I don't care about that. Did they? Even Jerry?

  Phil Dunphy : Yes.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny didn't wanna come, and look at him. Looks like he's having a great time.

  Manny Delgado : [entertaining a group of kids nearby]  So then Luke's dad grabs the taser from me, and he was like...

  [imitating Phil getting tased] 

  Phil Dunphy : No. No! That's not how it happened.

• Phil Dunphy : Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad.

  Bill : Hey, what's up, Jay-Lo?

  Jay Pritchett : Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

  Manny Delgado : What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?

  Jay Pritchett : I will send you back to Mexico.

• Jay Pritchett : So he's out in our yard and he's got a boombox; what's the name of that movie with the boombox?

  Jerry : Oh, "Say Anything."

  Jay Pritchett : Right, with John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. So he turns it up full blast, and it's Olivia Newton-John.

  [laughter] 

  Jay Pritchett : And he starts singing, "Let's get Phil-sical!"

  Phil Dunphy : It was an inside joke.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, not anymore!

  Phil Dunphy : Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories.

  Jay Pritchett : No, but I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the sprinklers!

  Phil Dunphy : Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, which you said you'd replace and you never did.

  Jay Pritchett : I never said that!

  Phil Dunphy : Yes, you did. You still owe me one boombox, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle.

  Jay Pritchett : Huh. Okay, uh... why don't we settle it in the ring? We get in there, and if you beat me, I'll buy you any boombox you want. If I beat you, then you've gotta do your little dance for everyone.

  Bill , Jerry : Yeah!

  Phil Dunphy : I'm in. Let's get Phil-sical.

• Phil Dunphy : Okay, hold still. And wait for it... this is what you'd look like fat and bald.

  Bill : On my phone, that app's called a camera.

  Phil Dunphy : Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman.

  Jay Pritchett : [Phil's friends laugh]  Why is that funny?

  Phil Dunphy : Because she's married to Jerry.

  Jerry : Jay, you got any good apps?

  Jay Pritchett : I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app?

  [they laugh again] 

  Jay Pritchett : You guys laugh a lot, huh?

  Phil Dunphy : Jay's a little technologically challenged.

  Jay Pritchett : From a guy who can't drive a stick.

  Jerry : What?

  Bill : You can't?

  Phil Dunphy : Well...

  Jay Pritchett : He called me to rescue him one time. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. By the time I got there, traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.

  Phil Dunphy : Not tears. Maybe sweat.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.

• Claire Dunphy : Haley! Hurry up! You're gonna be late. Alex, what are you doing?

  Alex Dunphy : I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang.

  Phil Dunphy : It's not a chain gang. It's community service. And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is.

  Haley Dunphy : [entering]  Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange."

  [Alex takes a picture] 

  Haley Dunphy : Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.

• Luke Dunphy : [Luke improvised a shiv for her]  It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.

  Alex Dunphy : Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers".

  [blank stares] 

  Alex Dunphy : It's "vandals".

  Claire Dunphy : Oh.

  Phil Dunphy : Oh.

  Alex Dunphy : I'm so alone.

  Luke Dunphy : [roaring to scare Haley, she, Claire, and Alex jump]  They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.

• Claire Dunphy : Haley had a little run-in with the law in college.

  Phil Dunphy : She was arrested for assaulting a police officer.

  Haley Dunphy : Accidentally. I fell on him.

  Phil Dunphy : While evading arrest for underage drinking.

  Haley Dunphy : That was on purpose.

  Claire Dunphy : They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service.

  Haley Dunphy : Because I do not have any priors.

  Phil Dunphy : Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.