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The Heat (2013) Poster

(I) (2013)

Quotes

Mullins: My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a fucking bank teller.

Captain Woods: This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?

Ashburn: Um... um... 58.

Captain Woods: I'm 43 years old.

Ashburn: Uh-huh... see I always round up.

Captain Woods: I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.

Mullins: [in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?

Ashburn: Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.

Mullins: Why, what's gonna come popping out?

Ashburn: Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...

Mullins: Shit, like medically?

Ashburn: Could you just close the door on your way out?

Mullins: I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.

Rojas: Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

Mullins: You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a fucking mirror?

Mullins: What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.

Mullins: [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.

Ashburn: [Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn.

[Hands phone to Mullins]

Ashburn: Why don't you have your own phone?

Mullins: What am I, the Queen of England?

Ashburn: I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?

Mullins: Fuck you.

Ashburn: You... 'F' you.

Ashburn: I'm gonna say this one more time. Stand down, Officer.

Mullins: Fuck off, Officer.

Ashburn: Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you've really done it. I'm going to call my boss.

Mullins: You do that, tattle-tits! Fuckin' narc!

Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.

Ashburn: Oh god, no thank you.

Mullins: Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.

Ashburn: No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.

Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

Mullins: I'll kill her with your dead body!

Jason Mullins: What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?

Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?

Jason Mullins: Yeah, unfortunately.

Levy: Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...

[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]

Ashburn: [clears throat]

Levy: Oh, God.

Ashburn: Really?

Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?

Ashburn: He's my assistant. What...?

Levy: Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?

Ashburn: Arson?

Mullins: It was a drug house!

Levy: [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]

Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...

Mullins: I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

Ashburn: Okay, here we go.

[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]

Ashburn: My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?

[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]

Ashburn: What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?

Mullins: [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.

Ashburn: [Ashburn dry heaves]

Mullins: [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.

Ashburn: What's wrong?

Mullins: Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.

Robin: Hey, Shannon.

Mullins: Hi, Robin.

Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.

Mullins: Yeah, I know. I was there.

Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?

Mullins: God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.

[indicating Ashburn]

Mullins: Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?

Ashburn: Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

Ashburn: [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?

Mullins: Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.

Ashburn: Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?

Mullins: Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.

Ashburn: God, that's so nasty.

Mullins: It *was* pretty gross.

Mullins: If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.

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Rojas: I had a joint and a few little bags of coke. Since when is that shit illegal?

Ashburn: I was actually married for six-some years.

Mullins: Was he a hearing man?

Ashburn: [Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins] Who is... who is that?

Mullins: My mom.

Mrs. Mullins: When did *you* become such a fuckin' princess?

Ashburn: [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.

Mullins: [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!

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Ashburn: [getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!

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Mullins: Two against two. I like those odds.

Ashburn: I'm gonna call for backup.

LeSoire: [Whispers] It's already here.

Ashburn: Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.

LeSoire: Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.

Ashburn: That's too many numbers.

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Mullins: Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!

Dealer: [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

Ashburn: [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.

Dealer: Who the fuck are you?

Ashburn: Me and her? We're the fucking heat!

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Mullins: Who closes the door to take a shit?

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Gina: Hey, Shan.

[Mullins knocks the cup out of her hand, spilling its contents on the floor, while walking away]

Gina: Well, that was wicked rude.

Mullins: Tatiana, you ready to get real?

Tatiana: Let's get real.

Mullins: We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.

Ashburn: What is this, Training Day?

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Mullins: [to Asburn after getting bar patrons to dance] Look, it's a frenzy. We started a frenzy.

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Mullins: Well, I am balls deep in boredom.

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Mullins: [to Ashburn] Don't make me put the cat down and punch you.

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Jason Mullins: Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?

Mullins: I hope not.

Jason Mullins: [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?

Mullins: No, she's Ashburn.

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Mullins: [pulls an elderly man out of his chair] Get up, you fuck!

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Tatiana: [Mullins throws Tatiana's underwear at her] Don't touch underpants! Get out, bull in china shop! Out of my house! What the fuck's wrong with you?

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Ashburn: [referring to Mullins] That officer right there is a better law enforcement officer than *anybody* in this room. Myself included.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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