The Heat (I) (2013)
Mullins: My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a fucking bank teller.
Captain Woods: This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?
Ashburn: Um... um... 58.
Captain Woods: I'm 43 years old.
Ashburn: Uh-huh... see I always round up.
Captain Woods: I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.
Mullins: [in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?
Ashburn: Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.
Mullins: Why, what's gonna come popping out?
Ashburn: Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...
Mullins: Shit, like medically?
Mullins: You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a fucking mirror?
Ashburn: Could you just close the door on your way out?
Mullins: I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.
Rojas: Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!
Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
Ashburn: Oh god, no thank you.
Mullins: Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.
Ashburn: No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.
Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?
Mullins: [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.
Ashburn: [Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn.
[Hands phone to Mullins]
Ashburn: Why don't you have your own phone?
Mullins: What am I, the Queen of England?
Ashburn: I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?
Mullins: Fuck you.
Ashburn: You... 'F' you.
Mullins: What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.
Ashburn: I'm gonna say this one more time. Stand down, Officer.
Mullins: Fuck off, Officer.
Ashburn: Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you've really done it. I'm going to call my boss.
Mullins: You do that, tattle-tits! Fuckin' narc!
Jason Mullins: What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
Jason Mullins: Yeah, unfortunately.
Levy: Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...
[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]
Ashburn: [clears throat]
Levy: Oh, God.
Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?
Ashburn: He's my assistant. What...?
Levy: Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?
Mullins: It was a drug house!
Levy: [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]
Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...
Mullins: I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.
Mullins: [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.
Ashburn: What's wrong?
Mullins: Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.
Robin: Hey, Shannon.
Mullins: Hi, Robin.
Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.
Mullins: Yeah, I know. I was there.
Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?
Mullins: God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.
Mullins: Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?
Ashburn: Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.
Ashburn: [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?
Mullins: Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.
Ashburn: Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?
Mullins: Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.
Ashburn: God, that's so nasty.
Mullins: It *was* pretty gross.
Ashburn: [getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!
Ashburn: Okay, here we go.
[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]
Ashburn: My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?
[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]
Ashburn: What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?
Mullins: [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.
Ashburn: [Ashburn dry heaves]
Mullins: If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.
Ashburn: [Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins] Who is... who is that?
Mullins: My mom.
Rojas: I had a joint and a few little bags of coke. Since when is that shit illegal?
Ashburn: [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.
Mullins: [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!
Mrs. Mullins: When did *you* become such a fuckin' princess?
Mullins: Two against two. I like those odds.
Ashburn: I'm gonna call for backup.
LeSoire: [Whispers] It's already here.
Ashburn: Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.
LeSoire: Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.
Ashburn: That's too many numbers.
Mullins: Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!
Dealer: [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.
Ashburn: [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.
Dealer: Who the fuck are you?
Ashburn: Me and her? We're the fucking heat!
Jason Mullins: Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?
Mullins: I hope not.
Jason Mullins: [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?
Mullins: No, she's Ashburn.
Gina: Hey, Shan.
[Mullins knocks the cup out of her hand, spilling its contents on the floor, while walking away]
Gina: Well, that was wicked rude.
Mullins: Tatiana, you ready to get real?
Tatiana: Let's get real.
Mullins: We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.
Ashburn: What is this, Training Day?
Mullins: [to Ashburn] Don't make me put the cat down and punch you.
Mullins: [to Asburn after getting bar patrons to dance] Look, it's a frenzy. We started a frenzy.
Tatiana: [Mullins throws Tatiana's underwear at her] Don't touch underpants! Get out, bull in china shop! Out of my house! What the fuck's wrong with you?
Mullins: [At the albino agent] Oh, all due respect to you, who's your wife? A five-pound bag of flour with a hole in it?
Mullins: [pulls an elderly man out of his chair] Get up, you fuck!
Ashburn: [referring to Mullins] That officer right there is a better law enforcement officer than *anybody* in this room. Myself included.
Ashburn: Wow, your windows are all boarded up.
Mullins: Yeah, I've got the glass, I just don't have the... you know, the window blankets.
Ashburn: Curtains? You mean the curtains?
Mullins: What're you looking at?
Chris Gethard: I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
Ashburn: Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.
[Mullins orders a whiskey]
Club Ekko Bartender: 14 dollars.
Mullins: 14 dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus's shoe?
Mullins: I see you have a cat.
Mullins: Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.
Ashburn: He ran away when I was in New York.
Mullins: [getting emotional] Oh God, that tears me up.
Ashburn: Yeah, it was a loss.
Mullins: The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."
Ashburn: I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.
Mullins: That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.
[gives Ashburn a hug]
Mullins: Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.