The Heat (I) (2013)
Melissa McCarthy: Mullins
Photos
Quotes
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Mullins : My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a fucking bank teller.
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Mullins : [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.
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Mullins : You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a fucking mirror?
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Mullins : You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
Ashburn : Oh god, no thank you.
Mullins : Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.
Ashburn : No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.
Mullins : Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?
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Mullins : What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.
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Ashburn : Okay, here we go.
[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]
Ashburn : My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?
[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]
Ashburn : What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?
Mullins : [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.
Ashburn : [Ashburn dry heaves]
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Jason Mullins : What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
Mullins : Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
Jason Mullins : Yeah, unfortunately.
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Ashburn : [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?
Mullins : Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.
Ashburn : Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?
Mullins : Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.
Ashburn : God, that's so nasty.
Mullins : It *was* pretty gross.
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Mullins : [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.
Ashburn : What's wrong?
Mullins : Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.
Robin : Hey, Shannon.
Mullins : Hi, Robin.
Robin : I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.
Mullins : Yeah, I know. I was there.
Robin : Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?
Mullins : God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.
[indicating Ashburn]
Mullins : Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?
Ashburn : Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.
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Mullins : I'll kill her with your dead body!
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Mullins : If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.
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Mullins : Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!
Dealer : [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.
Ashburn : [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.
Dealer : Who the fuck are you?
Ashburn : Me and her? We're the fucking heat!
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Levy : Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...
[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]
Ashburn : [clears throat]
Levy : Oh, God.
Ashburn : Really?
Mullins : Who the fuck is this guy?
Ashburn : He's my assistant. What...?
Levy : Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?
Ashburn : Arson?
Mullins : It was a drug house!
Levy : [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]
Ashburn : I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...
Mullins : I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.
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Mullins : I see you have a cat.
Ashburn : Yep.
Mullins : Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.
Ashburn : He ran away when I was in New York.
Mullins : [getting emotional] Oh God, that tears me up.
Ashburn : Yeah, it was a loss.
Mullins : The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."
Ashburn : I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.
Mullins : That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.
[gives Ashburn a hug]
Mullins : Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.
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Jason Mullins : Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?
Mullins : I hope not.
Jason Mullins : [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?
Mullins : No, she's Ashburn.
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Mullins : Tatiana, you ready to get real?
Tatiana : Let's get real.
Mullins : We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.
Ashburn : What is this, Training Day?
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Mullins : [to Ashburn] Don't make me put the cat down and punch you.
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Mullins : [At the albino agent] Oh, all due respect to you, who's your wife? A five-pound bag of flour with a hole in it?
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Mullins : Well, I am balls deep in boredom.
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[Mullins orders a whiskey]
Club Ekko Bartender : 14 dollars.
Mullins : 14 dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus's shoe?
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Mullins : [to Asburn after getting bar patrons to dance] Look, it's a frenzy. We started a frenzy.
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Mullins : [pulls an elderly man out of his chair] Get up, you fuck!
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Mullins : What're you looking at?
Chris Gethard : I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
Ashburn : Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.
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Police Dispatch : Hey Mullins, Captain wants to know what time you're coming in?
Mullins : Hey you know what? Tell him I'll be there sharply at, uh, go-fuck-yourself o'clock. Okay? If there's no traffic. Thank you.