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Delivery Man (2013) Poster

(2013)

Quotes

David: Emma... Will you marry me?

Emma: Won't you wanna wait and see if I get my figure back?

David: If you stay flabby, I promise I'll get flabby as well.

Emma: Wonder if that's the first time the word "flabby" has been used in a marriage proposal.

[she kisses him]

David: Emma... I'm Starbuck.

Emma: [whispers angrily] Why are you always scamming? God, how could you think that a marriage proposal would excuse the fact that you're the father of 533 children? David! God! No, this... this is no longer your child!

David: I wanna be very clear on two points. The first point: I said I was going to change as quickly as possible, and I am doing that. I've had a chance to do a lot of thinking. A lot. And I've come to the conclusion that it's not anyone *but me* who can decide if I am a father or not. Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil... And in the end, not you. In other words, no one but the father can decide if he is the father or not. And I, David Wozniak, am the father of this child. Now, the other reality that can't be changed, is the fact that I am Starbuck. Now, this obviously can be something frightening, since it's something totally new and no one on this planet has ever experienced it before. It's, uh, you know, it's it's... it is like the first steps on the moon. But despite a few drawbacks, I think that we can actually take away from this a tremendous amount of joy. Not to mention *vast amounts* of free babysitting. I don't know how this is gonna work out. Right now, me coming out and revealing who I am, I'm risking everything. I'm risking *all* for the well-being of my 533 kids. And I would think that you seeing me risk all should convince you that whatever happens, that no matter what turmoil this kid right here gets into, I will be there. Now, you asked me to have a life. Well, here it is. This is my life. Maybe a little bit strange. And a bit oversized. But it's my life. The second point...

Emma: That was a very long first point.

David: The first point was long. The second point... The marriage proposal was not a scam.

Emma: The second point was much shorter.

David: I need you in my life.

[Emma sighs before she leans in and kisses him again]

Emma: Promise me one day you'll take me to Venice.

David: Congratulations, "darling".

Brett: I had it. I had pitched the perfect game, and I had to screw the whole thing up. My mother saw the whole thing on TV.

David: She must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover.

Brett: No. She said she always suspected it. She told me we would make a lovely couple.

David: And your kids?

Brett: They think it's cool.

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Mikolaj: You know David, I love you like a son.

David: I am your son.

Mikolaj: Which is why I love you like a son.

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David: You see what happens when the tofu hits the grill. Nothing. Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds.

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Brett: My children know that they are too old to be aborted.

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David: Do your kids play professional basketball?

Brett: No, not to my knowledge but I will enquire. They don't tell me everything.

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Brett: Stop everything for the rest of your life. Every time you have an idea, I want you to come to me and as your friend, I will shoot your idea down.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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