Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft (2013) Poster

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Just Crap ... pure and simple
Vincent Black11 February 2013
I just watched this on Netflix. The thin plot drags on and on with no action and bad TV soap opera acting. This was made using a video camera and several errors are made by the crew and wardrobe department. Booboo Stewart's striped shirt strobes real bad in one scene. Then Fivel Stewart, his sister's top is actually worn backwards in another scene.

Besides the obvious goofs, there was a lot of filler shots used of random people walking around at a college. Characters are dull and there no power on Earth that makes you care if they live or die. At one point the plot became so mind numbing transparent I went to the kitchen and made a sandwich.

The build up for a boss fight is anti climatic. All the fight choreography looks very amateur and the special effects are non existent. In the end, I would have been more entertained watching mold grow on a bathroom tile. This isn't going to be one of the "cult films" that people poke fun at on late night TV.

If you watch it on Netflix, I feel sorry for you.
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Thin plot that was padded with fluff
jtsmith-429 January 2013
At the stated length of 83 minutes, this movie only really had enough actual content for the average 42-44 minutes of a one hour TV episode As well as the poorly done Buffy rip-off of the "mentor teaching the young woman to be a slayer" there was just nothing remarkable about this movie Plus, the only way this thing even made 83 minutes was with the addition of several minutes of meaningless shots of students walking around a school campus The brother & sister leads did not do badly... considering they did not have much to work with in the way of script or direction All in all... 83 minutes I could have used to watch paint dry
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It's absolutely horrible, in all the right ways.
drewmeister1118 February 2013
Warning: Spoilers
This is not a good movie. If that's all you need to know, then you don't have to go any further. It's badly acted, badly directed, has no budget, the script makes no sense, there's no continuity, the camera work is pathetic, and the story flat out contradicts itself on several occasions. As a purveyor of bad movies, I naturally enjoyed it a whole lot.

The story follows Jonah and Ella (no, not Hansel and Gretal... that would be stupid!) as they are kicked out of yet another high school because her brother has misbehaved in some vague manner. They are accepted into one of the most 'prestigious' schools in the nation at Salem Massachusetts. I say 'prestigious' because they keep talking about how well respected it is despite the fact that there would appear to be only one or two buildings, the dorms consist of a single room with two beds and, oh yeah, people have been murdered and/or found severely brain damaged on campus, although from what I can tell nobody has really made a big deal of it.

Jonah gets into a fight almost immediately with the most stereotypical jock ever, and after complaining that nobody ever talks to him he immediately tells the only people who want to talk to him to f**k off. He's then invited by the jock that beat him up to come perform witchcraft and suck out the souls of other students, which he readily agrees to (I can't stress enough how fast he goes from 'nobody likes me' to 'i'm a complete jerk').

Ella, meanwhile, begins to think that something is afoot as she repeatedly talks to her guidance councilor who tells her all about the rumors of witchcraft at the school, telling Ella that it was prophesied that a set of twins would kill the cult of witches that reside there. Spoiler alert, the councilor is the head witch (who told her all about them). I'd say it's a surprise except every time you see 'mysterious robed witch' it's clearly a middle-aged woman, and the only woman the characters have any real interaction is the middle-aged guidance councilor.

Along the way, Ella finds that her parents were witch hunters who were killed by the same witch group, so she decides to kill the witches with a knife she found while investigating a bookshelf because... it had.. circles on it? She learns how to kill witches from her creepy stalker principle who trains her by throwing baseballs at her. They do this while the witches stand not 10 feet from them watching, and are then surprised when one of them stabs the principle in broad daylight.

Anyways, she eventually convinces her brother that killing people to drain their souls is bad, and after the shortest non-fight ever they kill the witch and decide to leave. To say it's a short fight would be an understatement. The head witch reveals her identity, says they don't stand a chance, is immediately stabbed by Ella, then explodes. Then they find out their real names were Hansel and Gretel, because apparently they didn't know their own names due to their parents dying...or something...

Where to begin on what this movie does wrong? You already likely noticed that this movie has NOTHING to do with Hansel and Gretel outside of the eventual reveal that their names are coincidentally the same and that one of the school buildings is called 'gingerbread house'. The witches are completely non-threatening, and seem to sabotage themselves at every opportunity. They claim that it was 'destined' that the two would go to the school yet it was the school THAT INVITED THEM THERE in the first place. Then they decide to stop them fulfilling the prophecy by TELLING THEM THEY ARE WITCHES.

While both actors ARE siblings, it's strange that they both have black belts yet have maybe 2 seconds worth of fighting. It's a waste that I'd think even THESE directors would have noticed, but apparently not.

The night scenes are clearly filmed during the day and they just tinted the screen blue... you can even see the sun! And at one point they are inside at night then someone opens the door and it's clearly the middle of the day!

Ella's shirt changes between every scene, and she even wears it backwards sometimes. Not to say she has a large wardrobe, she just changes back and forth between 2 or 3 shirts over and over.

There's 10 kids in the entire school that occupy the backgrounds, making 'afro-boy' and 'girl with pink backpack' my favorite characters in the whole movie.

They re-use the same stock footage too many times (not just same angle, but same people in same position), and they have still images as establishing shots.

They say it takes place in Massachusetts despite looking a lot like California and having the California flag in the corner of a room in several shots.

For some reason witches explode into stars when stabbed, using CG like in the original Star Trek.

You can see the camera crew in several reflections throughout the movie.

Oh, and the scene on the cover where they wear leather armor brandishing crossbows while walking away from an exploding castle? Yeah, that never happens. They never change out of t-shirts, and the only weapon in the entire movie is the dagger that Ella finds. There is no castle, and nothing explodes.

Honestly I could keep going on, but when I tried listing all the flaws I ended up going over the 1000 word limit.

This movie is a complete waste of time and money, unless you're looking for something that's so awful it's funny, in which case go for it. In that regards I liked it enough to give it a 2, but it probably doesn't deserve that.
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Curse of the Knock-Offs!!!
zardoz-1325 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
"Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft" is low-budget schlock from fade-in to fade-out. The cover art on the DVD case is calculated to deceive. Neither hero nor heroine are ever attired in the outfits that they wear on the DVD case. They never wield swords, just knives with elaborate handles. "Final Stab" director David DeCoteau started helming this kind of shoddy nonsense as far back as 1985, and he has called the shots on over 100 straight-to-video features. The only celebrity actor in this supernatural fluff is Eric Roberts, and Julia's brother must have done it for the paycheck because "Hansel & Gretel" breaks no new ground. This lackluster yarn follows a pair of real-life twins after they are expelled from one school to another. It seems that Jonah (Boo Boo Stewart of "Twilight") cannot keep out of trouble. Jonah's sister, Ellen (Fivel Stewart), has the brains of the family. They wind up at an elite academy where the headmaster (Eric Roberts of "The Expendables") boasts about how some of their graduates when on to be presidents. Suspiciously enough, Larson Tretter's screenplay sounds like "The Skulls." The incomprehensible plot unfolds with Jonah getting mixed up with the wrong types and participating in a ceremony where witch wannabes conjure up gilded swirling balls and launch them. Ellen isn't invited into this inner circle. She finds an old piece of paper wrapped around a knife and concealed in a dresser. It seems that their parents attended the same school and she learns that she is a slayer of witches. The headmaster trains her by slinging baseballs at her that she catches with relative ease. Meantime, Jonah's friends try to convert him to their cause, but everything falls through. One-dimensional characters cavort throughout this 83 minute idiocy. Nothing memorable or cool occurs. DeCoteau would be great directing movies about cloud floating through blue skies. The first half of the action—getting the protagonists from their first school to the present school takes over a half-hour! He holds up shots of the same stuff far longer than required. The acting—except for Eric Roberts (I'm no relation)—is abysmal. Everybody blurts out their lines without feeling. Similarly, everybody brushes their hair out of their eyes. Apparently, the ability to groom themselves during action and dialogue qualified these stiff, mannequin-like thespians for this synthetic crap. Foremost, "Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft" has nothing to do with the big-screen "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters." Don't make the mistake that I made when I bought it from Walmart for $14.95. Skip it!
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Good Grief
JoeS827 July 2013
If this was a school project it might have just been acceptable. As it is not it is an abomination. I watched only through disbelief. Just dreadful, it should have a health warning. The poster (cover) bares no relation to the film and who ever promotes this should be prosecuted under some miss-representation of goods act! The acting would be laughable if it had been better, the continuity is nonexistent and did someone actually think no one would notice the repeated scenes, then again they were lucky someone watched at all! It beggars belief that a film company would thing making this was a good idea and how do they manage to survive.
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thunder-nawty16 March 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Why the hell was it made? We just paid £5 on this crappy film because we thought it was the Hansel and Gretal that had recently been playing in the cinema. I regret my actions. It was like something off the Simpson's where they stab someone and they die without any blood or pain. She stabbed Megan and disappeared. It was like a child had actually written it. Has anyone watched this because Don't you know the carry on movies where they have low budgets, at least there good and fun this is complete and utter rubbish. Also the Wicked Witch of the Wood turned out to be the school teacher- SCARY. She was saying stuff like "I'm going to eat you" and my brother was laughing with boredom, then she said this is the best i have got and the Gretal stabbed her. The headmaster was creepy and he was supposed to be a good guy. It would be great for 3 year old, but they might even think it is boring. My dad started yawning at the first 10 minutes and I nearly fell asleep. I said it was warming up, 20 mins later- must be a good middle, 40 mins later-has to be a great finale,end of film- was that the outtakes?. There isn't even any deleted scenes and my Mom said they were the deleted scenes. The only reason I am spending so long on this review is because there are so many faults with it. And anyway the storyline was confusing probably because we kept nodding off. For a 2013 film it was rubbish it was like on January 1st they made the script, January 2nd they got the actors to do it and January 3rd they published it. Did anyone see a trailer for it? I didn't and I know why, it was banned at the cinema. Please peeps don't waste ya money
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Great ... if you need a nap.
abuse-this215 February 2013
The good: Fivel Stewart really does know how to fight and the five seconds they show of her doing so are great.

The bad: the script, the directing, and utter lack of depth, suspense, climax, or action. I will forgo critiquing the acting as the direction and virtually every technical aspect of the film are just so bad that it is impossible to tell if the acting was any good, they were never given a chance to act. There are significant flaws in continuity within scenes dealing with lighting, costume, tears, etc. It feels like the entire film takes place over a 2-3 day period while the story line is likely intended to span a much greater period of time. As a teen movie, the eye candy was so poorly used that the movie is a total flop in that regard. The direction of Courtney Turk and Tyne Stecklein would have been great - if they were doing a fashion photo shoot, but otherwise completely unnatural. Our local high school does a better job with their annual play and musical productions. I would revise my critique if it turned out that this was written, directed, and produced by a ten year old with a movie program on his new computer after seeing Buffy the Vampire Slayer ... if it were, some amount of courtesy applause would be due, after your neighbor poked you with an elbow to wake you up.

Sadly, this production is just bad without any of the redeeming qualities of a laughably bad movie like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" or "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". What I would like is the phone numbers of the people who paid a million dollars to make this as I am certain I could come up with something far more entertaining.
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Peter Crossley14 April 2013
This is almost the only film that I can say without fear of contradiction: You cannot say anything revealing about this film that would spoil it for those who haven't yet seen it..... Anything at all will be a compliment or at worst... an improvement... including this review! Do not waste your money or time on a film so bad that it can't even be credited with the accolade: "So bad it's funny" I cannot truly believe that anyone involved with this film would mention that fact in their resume.... for fear of being immediately shown the door / being laughed at uncontrollably by all others present. Even had a junior high school child produced this, I would call their parents in for a consultation. There are absolutely no production values/ acting / direction / cinematography or other aspects of this film that could be credited with a vaguely positive critique...
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90+ Minutes of my life I will never get back
Dave Price7 August 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Take a look at the DVD sleeve, then watch the film. Then wonder if there should be some sort punishment enforced on the writer, director, producer or distribution company. Actually I can't blame the writer. For all I know it was a great script that simply didn't survive the pre- production.

But there you go on the sleeve with Fivel and Booboo (who names their kids that?) dressed in black leather, carrying swords, explosions, castles and flocks of bats behind them teasing you to something of a great action movie. Here's the spoiler alert..... none of that happens. Fivel discovers an enchanted letter opener about 3/4 of the way in and slays the head witch at the end in the shortest final battle sequence ever. "I'm the main witch! - And now you're dead!" cue the happy music. I won't spoil all of the story for you. I'll let the film do that if you find yourself actually watching this nonsense.

Then I could go on about the continuity? OK I will. Opening scene is Booboo getting into what we later find out to be another fight. The scene is cut with exterior shots to basically establish where we are. So, the poor troubled lad with his twin sister are sent to an exclusive private school. But hang on......? Isn't that the same place in the exterior shots? Should this be in the goofs section? Essentially it looks like someone went out with a camera one afternoon, shot about 30 minutes of exterior views with which to loosely cut together the "main action".

This film is dreadful. Please don't read this review and then go watch the film to see how dreadful it was. Please, I beg you, just.... don't. This isn't going to turn into a cult classic like "Attack of the killer tomatoes" one day that becomes famous because it is rubbish. "Attack" was put together purposely to be a bit naff and we loved it for that. Hansel & Gretel Witchhunters etc, seems to be taking itself seriously like it set out to be a serious film. You will get to the end and say "Seriously?"
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Absolute rubbish
mickey_mouth13 July 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Whoever wasted their money on producing this movie deserves losing everything. What a load of trash. Unnecessary bad language, ridiculous modern style script and to cap it all out comes a stun gun sort of disguised as something like a wooden catapult. Do not bother wasting your time or money watching time and certainly don't waste YOUR money buying the DVD or going to the cinema. Unfortunately, IMDb rules state that there must be 10 lines of review before it can be accepted for on-line submission. Not easy in this case as what I have said really does sum up what a load of rubbish this film is. However, to put it some sort of context I should add that I currently have nearly 900 film DVD's in my collection and yes there are a few that were not worth the time and effort let alone money, but this film; Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft (2013) is definitely 'bottom of the pile' and will be duly binned. The only saving grace is (and only just 'is'), is the CGI. Everything should have stayed on the cutting room floor.
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