Modern Family (TV Series)
Schooled (2012)
Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett
Quotes
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Jay Pritchett : [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail'.
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Jay Pritchett : [Gloria is handed a practice doll that's black] You have some explaining to do.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.
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Manny Delgado : We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : But why? Why are you so terrified?
Manny Delgado : What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? You were pretty lax, mom. I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you were worried for the both of us.
Manny Delgado : What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay.
Jay Pritchett : [sarcastic] No offense taken.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : If the baby's different, we'll be different.
Jay Pritchett : Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?
Manny Delgado : Okay. That is a load off. *Although*, you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
Manny Delgado : Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
Jay Pritchett : Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.
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Baby Class Teacher : Okay, now that everyone has their doll, let's talk about swaddling. Now, you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, like a diamond, and folding the top down. Like this.
Jay Pritchett : [Lowered voice] I think they made a mistake at the hospital!
[Tries to trade black practice baby as a joke; other couple doesn't laugh]
Jay Pritchett : Tough room.
Baby Class Teacher : Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like a burrito.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Done! I win!
[drops doll on table]
Baby Class Teacher : It's not a race.
Jay Pritchett : You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
[High-five's Gloria]
Baby Class Teacher : [Checks the doll] Okay, it's good. But it's a little tight.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
Baby Class Teacher : [Redoes the swaddle] Here. And try like this. And see? Now your baby can breathe.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [Under her breath to Jay] I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
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Baby Class Student : Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. When I was five years old, my babysitter was a goat.
Jay Pritchett : What?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
Jay Pritchett : You never said she was a goat.
Baby Class Teacher : You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
Jay Pritchett : Absolutely. It's not rocket science. It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
Baby Class Teacher : Scotch?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [disbelieving murmuring from the other students] What?
Jay Pritchett : [cut to one-on-one interviews] So, we left.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
Jay Pritchett : And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.
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Manny Delgado : Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.
Jay Pritchett : We're doing it for the baby.
[Points at Gloria's stomach]
Jay Pritchett : Not this baby.
[Points at Manny]
Jay Pritchett : That baby.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
Manny Delgado : I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
Jay Pritchett : I don't know why I have to go to this thing. In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
Mitchell Pritchett : [fighting with Claire nearby] Ow!
Claire Dunphy : Ow!
Mitchell Pritchett : Ow. Ow!
Claire Dunphy : [with Mitchell in a headlock] Stop pulling my hair.
Mitchell Pritchett : Stop twisting my nipple.
Claire Dunphy : Shut up. Shut up.
Jay Pritchett : [pause] Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. I was barely around.