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Dirty Blondes from Beyond (2012)
** (out of 4)
Is Fred Olen Ray the only made still turning out these softcore flicks for cable? This one involves two beautiful blonde aliens who are forced to Earth after a group of other hot aliens try to kill them. Once on Earth the blondes finally meet a rumored "man" with a "third leg" and soon there's sex going on everywhere. DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND isn't going to be mistaken for the work of Orson Welles but then again why on Earth would anyone come to this film expecting such a thing? This isn't the greatest film from the cult director but there's no question that he's at least a professional filmmaker who at least delivers a professional looking low-budget film. I think some of the best moments where are just unintentional comedy and especially the early sequence when the two blondes are talking about various subjects most people won't pay attention to because they're looking at the women's breasts. Neither Brandin Rackley or Jazy Berlin are great actresses and this here actually adds some funny bits as they speak their dialogue back and forth to one another. The line delivery alone is just so cute and "off" that you can't help but laugh. Once we get to Earth there's really not much story other than the ladies looking for men with the "third leg" and of course here is where we get all the sex scenes. The sex scenes themselves really aren't all that erotic and I must say that there's pretty bland compared to other films from the director. I do often wonder if Mr. Fred Olen Ray simply gets bored by this stuff. Either way, DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND offers a few good laughs and of course plenty of sexy women, which is what most people are coming for.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
It's been a while since I've done these, but I've been meaning to write
a review for "Dirty Blondes From Beyond." It's cheesy, but hey, it's
supposed to be cheesy.
It begins with Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley, using a vaguely Russian-sounding accent for whatever reason) and her bodyguard Vema (Jazy Berlin) crash landing onto Earth after outrunning the evil empress Krella (Christine Nguyen) and her loyal servant Tharis (Erika Jordan) through the galaxies. Farra wants Krella's help in saving her planet, but Krella just wants a piece of tail. Go figure.
After exiting their ship on Earth, hijinks ensue. They hide out in a cabin in the woods, where the horny Jock (Evan Stone, always good for some comedy) is waiting for them. Meanwhile, 2 Men in Black-like government operatives (Smith and Jones, played by Voodoo and Jenna Presley respectively) are hot on the trail, as is a conspiracy theorist (Eric Masterson) seeking footage to prove that extraterrestrial life exists. Tharis follows Farra and Vema to Earth in order to capture them for Krella, but she too succumbs to the strange creatures with the "third leg," commonly known as men on this planet.
Once the good girls prevail and send Tharis back to space empty-handed (as you know they would), they find that they cannot power up their ship without a "fromitz," a strange object that turns out to be an ordinary vibrator. The look on Vema's face when she powers up the "fromitz" is priceless.
This film had a fair amount of sex scenes, with a few of them being girl/girl. If you like big boobs, Jenna Presley brings the goods nicely here. Such a big chest for such a small girl. "Dirty Blondes From Beyond" is a decent softcore sci-fi flick, but that's about all it is...decent. The story is kind of flimsy, and a vibrator turns out to be the ship's power supply? Now that's hilariously bad. It has its fair share of laughs, including Brandin Rackley's silly accent and Vema proudly proclaiming she's an alien while completely naked. Smith spends the whole movie trying to get into Jones's pants (Spoiler: He succeeds at the very end) while Tharis winds up somewhat relieved that Krella didn't replace her with Farra.
This is an alright flick to pass the time with, though.
Women: A. I enjoyed the female selection in this movie. Brandin Rackley is a softcore treasure; she's got a great body and she can act. Christine Nguyen still looks good. Jazy Berlin was hilarious and sexy. Jenna Presley? Oh my goodness--boobs that don't quit, I tell ya. Erika Jordan was alright too. I couldn't find any truly ugly ones in the bunch.
Sex: B. The sex scenes were solid, but not great. The g/g scenes were alright, the b/g scenes were alright, the 3-way was okay....nothing spectacular here, but it wasn't horrible. A couple of them were actually quite decent, though.
Story: B-. I'm giving this movie a B- because of the funny quips that the characters had, and there were quite a few of them. The story itself was OK for softcore, but it wasn't that great either. This was a case where the story wasn't that good, but the dialogue was cheesy in a good way. So, I'm giving it a nod and pushing into the low B range.
Overall: B. "Dirty Blondes From Beyond" is a decent flick with funny, yet cheesy dialogue and good looking women. It's what you'd look for in a softcore comedy, and it delivers that. There are better comedies in the genre though; in fact, I'd recommend "Baby Dolls Behind Bars," a movie featuring many of the same people that were in this movie. This movie is good as a second or third choice if you've got some skin flicks to choose from on any given night, but it wouldn't be my first choice.
Back in the day, one thing people used to do is flash past a certain
channel on the dial to hope to get a flash of nudity on some blocked
channel. It doesn't work that way these days but now we have so many
channels with sexually explicit material (aside from straight porn
Playboy type channels) though after awhile, you see a lot of familiar
faces. Yes, it is like the old Hollywood studio system! I personally
like Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen, Beverly Lynne and a few others
of that ilk so the cast was promising. As someone noted, Rackley is a
treasure -- she can act and is nice on the eyes. Nguyen is not quite as
good of an actress, but is pretty good too.
Some of the more recent films of this type seem to have a bunch of bad actors who have really fake looking gigantic breasts. Jazy Berlin is one of the regulars in the newer wave of soft porn flicks that to me is the best of the bunch. She has the breasts, yes, but has some acting ability. We aren't talking high art here, but some of the new film (e.g., the one in a spa) are pretty bad.
This film is a fun cheesy knock-off on sci fi. The ship sets are a riot. There is enough plot to actually keep your interest. Evan Stone and the other guys leave something to be desired but are workable. The sex scenes are pretty good.
A good companion film to Housewives from Another World.
Why do 90 percent of the new porn stars need tattoos? Some of the most gorgeous girls seem to be covered with dark spider webs on their arms and lower backs. Jenna Presley, a "Wicked Girl" plays the part of a secret agent looking for the aliens. Director Ray seems to be straining to tilt the camera or hold it close around her virtual stamp collection of body imprints. Hot playboy model Erika Jordan plays the villainous alien with a permanent cartoon-like sneer on her face and just barks her lines out at people. The dialog between the nasty parts seems to ramble on unusually long compared to Fred Olen Ray's previous similar Bikini Girls From the Lost Planet, this opus heavily derived from Men in Black, Star Wars, and the low budget Surrender Cinema films that had erotic science fiction using less cardboard cartoon-like characters or artificial sounding dialog.
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