Luke Dunphy: I'm getting a medal for putting out a fire. Maybe that's what I should be. A professional medal getter.
Jay Pritchett: Take a good look at the menu. What do you see?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Soup.
Jay Pritchett: But have you looked under the soup? Sandwiches.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Have you seen what's under this shirt? This did not come from sandwiches.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [about Jay's sandwich] It tastes bad in my mouth. It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.
Phil Dunphy: How about this? Mitchell, I love you. I can't tell you enough how much I respect you...
Claire Dunphy: Are you firing him or proposing to him?
Phil Dunphy: [about Maxine the waitress] Second best hugger in the world, after Mister Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.
Mitchell Pritchett: That's hogwash.
Cameron Tucker: As someone who has seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.