Gustave title: [Pinkie Pie imagines a black and white silent film scenario where Gustave is a "dastardly" evil mustached villain who tries to take the cake on board the train. Pinkie Pie slaps his arm away from the cake] Ouch!
[Pinkie Pie angrily points and shouts at the villain]
Pinkie Pie title: Get your claws off that cake you cur!
[Gustave grabs her and ties her to the railroad tracks. He laughs while twisting his mustache. A train starts to approach the tied-up Pinkie]
Pinkie Pie title: Oh goodness!
[Gustave pulls a lever that starts a giant spinning saw preparing to cut the cake as a conveyor belt brings it closer. Gustave twists his mustache happily]
Gustave title: Muhu ha ha!
[Cake parts splatter all over him]
Pinkie Pie: Thus, destroying the cake, and the Cakes' chance of winning the National Dessert Competition.
Twilight Sparkle: But it makes no sense!
Pinkie Pie: What do you mean, lowly assistant?
Twilight Sparkle: Well first, if you were tied to the train tracks, how are you now here?
Pinkie Pie: Huh... guess that isn't a totally silly question.
Twilight Sparkle: [after Pinkie's story about how Joe is a James Bond-like spy sent to destroy the cake with gadgets] Pinkie! There is no laser beam security system. And Joe is not sleek, stealthy Con Mane! He's big, gruff, and messy!
Donut Joe: [offended] Hey!
Rarity: Although, you would look rather dapper in a tuxedo.
Mulia Mild: [after Twilight has stated to Pinkie that she knows who the culprit is, she calls everyone back into the dessert car]
Mulia Mild: Why are we all here again?
Twilight Sparkle: I bet you're wondering why you're all here again.
Donut Joe: [to Mulia] She's good.
Twilight Sparkle: Has anypony else noticed that Rarity is wearing her hair rather differently today?
Rarity: [gasp] What? Is it a crime to change one's style every now and again? Why, I think it's a crime not to.
Twilight Sparkle: Really?
[Twilight uses her magic to pull Rarity's hair up, revealing that her right eye is missing a false eyelash]
Rarity: [dramatically] Fine, I'm guilty! I wear false eyelashes.
[calmly, pointing to the half-eaten cake]
Rarity: Oh, and I took a bite of the cake.
Pinkie Pie: [looking at a big, completed cake] Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. You've *really* outdone yourselves, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. This is sure to be the winning entry of this year's national dessert competition!
Mrs. Cake: Oh, thank you Pinkie!
Mr. Cake: And thanks for transporting it all the way to Canterlot for us.
Pinkie Pie: Absolutely! It's my honor and I...
Applejack: Uh, beg pardon but, could we maybe move things along? This here cake's a mite heavy, right Big Macintosh?
Big Macintosh: [now holding the cake on his back] Ehee... Eeyup.
Pinkie Pie: Well the tastiest treat of all is sure to be the Cakes' Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. All that rich *creamy* goodness of the marzipan, combined with the tart tanginess of the mascarpone, blended perfectly with the smooth, silky sweetness of the meringue. That's why I call the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness the "MMMM".
Main ponies: MMMM.
Pinkie Pie: Exactly. It's the *most* delicious delectable delightful de-lovely cake in Equestria, and it's sure to win first prize.
Gustave Le Grand: [suddenly enters the train, speaking with a French accent] Zis is not so, for I, Gustave Le Grand, do challenge your crude cake to a duel of delectable delicacies, against *my* Exceptionally Exquisite Éclairs! They will undoubtedly strike down all ze competition, winning first prize and crowning me le champion.
Donut Joe: [the next to enter] Not a chance Le Grand.
Twilight Sparkle: Donut Joe! What are you doing in Ponyville?
Donut Joe: Picking up the final all-important ingredient for my contest entry, "Donutopia!" And with these super-sprinkles, my donuts are going to dunk all the other lousy desserts, steal first prize, and make my donut shop famous, forever!
Mulia Mild: [last to enter, speaking in a high, elderly voice] Oh, Joe...
Mulia Mild: Your dippy donuts could never out-rival me.
Pinkie Pie: Hello. What's your name?
Mulia Mild: I, am Mulia Mild. Behold, my chocolate mousse moose. It will trample all your treats, be given first prize, and make me the greatest chef in Equestria.
Gustave Le Grand: Madame Mild, you and your mousse moose are mistaken.
Donut Joe: Your frou-frou éclairs will never defeat my donuts.
Pinkie Pie: The Cakes' Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness is going to win!
Mulia Mild: Your simple cake could never take my moose.
[gasp; train whistles]
Twilight Sparkle: Well it sure looks like we're in for a delicious competition tomorrow. Maybe we should all settle in for a good night's sleep.
Pinkie Pie: It's the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, it's been... mutilated!
Pinkie Pie: Now we just need to find out who done it.
Twilight Sparkle: You mean, who "did it."
Pinkie Pie: Exactly. Who did-done-dood it.
Applejack: [to Pinkie] Uh, *you're* investigatin'?
Pinkie Pie: Yes! And Twilight shall be my lowly assistant who asks silly questions with obvious answers.
Twilight Sparkle: [unimpressed] Fine, Pinkie. Should we start looking for clues?
Pinkie Pie: Perfect silly question, my dear Twilight. Because the obvious answer is...
Twilight Sparkle: Yes?
Pinkie Pie: No! 'Cause I know who did it.
[everyone gasps again]
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie, how could you possibly know?
Pinkie Pie: How could I possibly *not* know? Clearly this dastardly deed was done by the baker, who knew their dessert could not measure up to the mastery of the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. I guess you feared your éclairs lacked flair, Gustave!
Twilight Sparkle: [after Pinkie Pie's accusation at Mulia portraying her as a ninja assassin sent to destroy the cake at night, Mulia is terrified] Pinkie stop! This is ridiculous! Look at her!
Mulia Mild: [whimpering and shivering]
Pinkie Pie: [sigh] I guess you're right...
Twilight Sparkle: Thank you!
Pinkie Pie: But I was so sure that it was one of the other bitter bakers that destroyed the "MMMM". That way, their delicious dessert would reign supreme. I mean, just look at Joe's Donutopia. It's a spectacular city of donutty delight, topped temptingly in sprinklicious sprinkles. And Gustave's éclairs look incredibly edible, with glistening glaziness. But then there's Mulia Mild's Mousse Moose. Hoh, why this mouth-wateringly marvelous mousse moose tempts the taste buds with its silky, smooth, yummy-nummy, chocolateyness. So why did this criminal devour the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness while leaving this trio of tasty treats untouched?
[the train goes through a tunnel, and there is momentary darkness, munching sounds, and a scream. When the light comes back in, the other three desserts are half-eaten]
Pinkie Pie: Now I have no idea who do doned it!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, Pinkie, did you find the devourer of the desserts?
Pinkie Pie: I most certainly did. It was none other than... the bakers! First of all, Gustav has mousse in his moustache! And Joe has eclair in his hair! And Mulia has sprinkles in her wrinkles!
Twilight Sparkle: What do you say bakers?
Gustave Le Grand: Oh I am so sorry, Mulia, but Pinkie made your mousse moose sound... très magnifique.
Donut Joe: And Pinkie's description of your éclairs really did make 'em sound scrumptious.
Mulia Mild: And the way she spoke of your Donutopia, ohh, was too delectable to resist.
Twilight Sparkle: Well everypony, we finally have the mystery solved.
Gustave Le Grand: Yes, but now we don't have any desserts to enter into the contest!
Pinkie Pie: I think we can fix that. Come on!
Pinkie Pie: Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that it is not good to jump to conclusions. You have to find out all the facts before saying somepony did something. If you don't, you could end up blaming somepony for something they never did. This could hurt their feelings, and it can make you look really foolish. So from now on, I will always make sure to get all the facts.
Pinkie Pie: [guarding the cake at night, somepony distracts Pinkie Pie in the dark] Huh? Stop you saboteur! I have you now! Wha? A-ha!
[goes up to the front of the train and sees a pony scooping coal into the engine]
Pinkie Pie: Ahh?
[runs back to the cake]
Pinkie Pie: Oh! Thank Celestia you're okay! But one of those bakers is mixing up something bad, so I'm not leaving you again no matter what.
[the window blinds snap shut, causing complete darkness]
Pinkie Pie: Huh? Who turned out the moon? Don't go near that cake, thief!
Pinkie Pie: Stop thief!
Pinkie Pie: Oh, are you okay thief?
[blinds open, letting moonlight back in. Pinkie Pie looks through another door on the train and growls]
Pinkie Pie: Huh... overreacting my hoof.
[goes back to the cake]
Pinkie Pie: I knew I was going to have to keep a close eye on you, and that's just what I'm gonna do.
[she falls asleep after five seconds and snores]