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22 Jump Street (2014) Poster

Quotes

Captain Dicksons wife: So how did you and Doug meet?

Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya: Then we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya: [pause for a second] Actually we watched it a couple times...

Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter! Can a black man get some water!

Schmidt: Someone get the man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

[from trailer]

Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, wus up homie!, everyone saying that Sleepy he like the Mexican wolverine

Scarface: Why you not talking?

Jenko: My name is Jeff

[from trailer]

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt: Right in the crack.

Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here

[places pistol down on desk]

Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?

Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!

Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!

[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]

Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!

[exits office]

Jenko: No!

[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]

Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!

Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!

[laughing]

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

[sing-song]

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!

[to Schmidt]

Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*

[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]

Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!

Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...

Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]

Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.

Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!

Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!

[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]

Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!

Captain Dickson: [see's Schmidt dating his daughter maya] How do you know this person?

Maya: Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.

Captain Dickson: What the fuck?

[last lines]

Captain Dickson: Hey, you two stop dicking around!

Captain Dickson: Congratulations you managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt: Thanks.

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schimdt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter but I'll let that be in the bank.

Captain Dickson: Now you two, for your next mission you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko: What?

Jenko: [to bandit] I'm your best ni... I'm your worst nightmare!

Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

[makes a whining baby sound]

Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.

Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko: One, two, three!

[throws the grenade]

Jenko: Something cool!

Schmidt: [about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!

Eric Molson: No you're not.

Mr. Walters: Yes I am! You own this ass!

Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.

Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]

Deputy Chief Hardy: The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.

Schmidt: He's black! He's been through a lot!

Jenko: I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

Schmidt: [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt: No, that's my dick!

Jenko: What about that?

Schmidt: That's my dick also!

Jenko: Why is it hard?

Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

Jenko: Fuck you, doves!

Mercedes: This is so boring. No one's getting shot.

Mercedes: [one of her bodyguards gets shot] Oh my God! Did you just get shot? Like, right after I fucking said that?

Jenko: I'm your bes- I'm your worst nightmare.

[from trailer]

Captain Dickson: This time foreign exchange students!

Schmidt: Awesome!

Jenko: Cool!

Captain Dickson: In Russia!

Jenko: What?

Schmidt: Do svidaniya

Jenko: Vodka Soda

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Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy.

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Jenko: Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt: Yes, all by myself!

Jenko: Really?

Schmidt: ...Mainly by myself!

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Schmidt: [after Mr.Walters mocks him] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh Schmidt bein' a little bitch.

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Schmidt: Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

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Mr. Walters: Eric... Eric, are you awake?

Eric Molson: No...

Mr. Walters: I'm late.

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History Proffesor: Mr. McQuaid?

Jenko: ...uh, Covalent Bonds.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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