Hal: Ten minutes is all I ask... supervised, of course. Just so I can do a quick run round with the Hoover and sort out the recycling. Please! This is torture.
Alex: If we wanted to torture you we would show you a picture of the bathroom.
Hal: This isn't about rehabilitation anymore, this is vindictive.
Tom: You stay in the chair until you're over the blood lust.
Hal: I don't mean the chair. I implore you. Put a screen in front of me, give me a blindfold. No one should have to look at this.
[Looks at the mess the house has become]
Tom: What do you reckon, is he safe?
Alex: Well a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so... I guess that's got to be a good sign.
Alex: You of all people don't get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
Hal: What does that mean? Me of all people?
Alex: I'm not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
Hal: We can discuss it later.
Alex: You can discuss it later. With yourself.
Hal: That doesn't even make sense!
Hal: [about the sign] People on board a ship that's capsizing don't use that many exclamation marks.
Mr. Rook: Incidentally we're been monitoring this place. Thirty-seven people have committed suicide here in as many years. As far as we can tell it's not werewolf- or vampire-related. But, if you get the job, keep an eye out. Perhaps it's the decor.
Lady Catherine: If this is a trick I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
Hal: And you wonder why you're single.
Hal: Lady Catherine, head of the werewolves. Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Emil: Necromancer. I was master of the black arts. Sorcerer supreme. Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
Lady Catherine: How did you die?
Emil: I had to be silenced. I knew too much.
Hal: He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law's bathroom.
Tom: What are you lot doing down here?
Alex: Hal's building a sauna.
Tom: A sauna? Here? That's ridiculous.
Hal: Excuse me, weren't you planning on putting a swimming pool in the garden?
Tom: I said that cos we'd only just met. And you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.
Hal: Fine. I'm making a bomb.
Tom: Thank you. It's the lying that hurts.
Hal: My name is Hal. It's Ian, isn't it? I'm sorry, I looked through your wallet. Ian...?
Crumb: Cram. Like the runner.
Hal: What runner?
Crumb: Steve Cram. He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
Hal: I did not know that.
Hal: But he's a predator! He's only been a vampire for about seventeen hours.
Alex: How was I supposed to know?
Hal: I should have left a clue. Like, I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator!
Alex: Can you please stop treating me like I'm made of glass or cobwebs or something. All right, I'm dead. My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.
Tom: So what am I supposed to do?
Alex: Just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.
Tom: But you're a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, stood up and take off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked 'em.
Alex: And I'm sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many pluses, but I find it patronizing.
Hal: This is my home. I brought you here last night.
Crumb: Oh god! Have you bummed me?
Hal: I haven't bummed you.
Crumb: You're going to bum me now!
Hal: I have no intention of bumming you!
Crumb: I feel weird. Have you drugged me? I'm allergic to aspirin. If you've given me aspirin then it's actually murder.
Martin: Your position's up for review. I'm shaking up the whole floor. Separating the wheat from the boys. Bringing new blood in like... well I don't know. Gavin.
Crumb: What, your nephew Gavin?
Martin: Is he my nephew? Well, he's a smart lad.
Crumb: In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain!
Martin: So he doesn't know much about plants. Big deal.
Tom: I've always wanted to work in a hotel. Ever since me and dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton was I was 14. We were hunting a vampire called Radley.
Hal: Radley? I know Radley. Big ginger fellow.
Hal: How was he?
Tom: Yeah good, until we killed him, obviously.