Jess shows up at Cece's door, ready to go running. Jess has her playlist all set -- Diane Keaton's audiobook. Cece isn't dressed and makes excuses.
Jess comes in and Cece's two model roommates are on the couch, one consoling the other because she accidentally ate a cookie.
Schmidt pops up out the couch, causing Nadia to clap. "Jew in the couch! Jew in the couch!"
Cece reminds her to use "American manners".
"Sorry, Jew person in couch," she corrects.
Nick escorts a hook up out, busting out a coughing fit when the girl checks that he'll call her. Nick says sleeping with 21 year olds constantly is really stressing him out.
Winston is distracted on the couch, saying he learned something recently. Nick doesn't want to hear, he can't keep secrets, they make his back sweat. Nick tries to get away from him but Winston grabs him and shouts "Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!"
Nick makes grossed out faces. "No! This makes me hate things!" he says.
Everybody but Jess knows. Jess comes home. Nick covers by saying they're hanging out in the hall and nothing is going on.
Jess is annoyed because Cece bailed on her. Nick suggests Cece might have had a guy over and Winston whacks him. Jess figures out that Nick has a secret and confronts him. She sees the telltale sweat stain on Nick's back.
She gets in his face demanding that he fold. Nick blurts it out and Schmidt walks in the door. He apologizes that she had to find out this way.
"But can we just take a minute to celebrate me? Schmidty really did it this time, I'm having Indian every night," he says.
Jess takes off after him.
Cece and Schmidt sit down with everyone to take their grilling. Jess can't believe they've been doing it for two months. "Two moons have passed" since they started, she says. Winston wonders why she talks like a Native American when she's angry.
Schmidt notes they've done it in every room of the house.
Jess is mad at Winston for keeping it for three days. Nick gets no credit because he's weak.
Jess walks away angry. Nick thinks what he did was really brave.
Nick walks another college hook up out. She's looking for her circular scarf. Nick's phone rings and he tries to hide the call. The girl freaks out and Nick covers by throwing his phone against the wall.
Nick admits he needs woman advice from Schmidt.
Schmidt flashes back to his "lesser paramours", making out on the couch with a large woman.
"Schmidt, I need you to teach me to be a douchebag," Nick says.
Cece meets up with Jess outside before her run. She wants to join her, but Jess runs away. Cece pleads that them fighting stresses her out, she's started eating bread.
Schmidt leads the douchebag class for Winston and Nick. He addresses Nick. "In the restaurant of life, you have selected the tasting menu," he says.
Nick changes his mind about the class, but Schmidt continues on. Because Nick can't lie, he has to focus on SSV: "Short, simple, vague."
He tries to role play. He asks Nick where his phone is.
"Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speed boat. The environment. Bears. Family. Magic," Nick blurts.
Then in Nick's bedroom, Schmidt tells him to pretend he's a girl and he's trying to get her out of his apartment as fast as possible. Nick feels bad, saying they just had sex and he has feelings for her. Schmidt counsels him never to accept a brunch invitation.
Jess barges in.
"I don't want to live in a house of lies! I can't do it anymore," she says. Then, seeing Schmidt and Nick on the bed, she asks: "Is this happening, too?"
Jess has secrets she wants to confess. They involve Nick using Schmidt's chenille throw as a napkin and Schmidt saying Winston was in danger of becoming a nanny for life, "going full Poppins."
Winston retaliates. "Schmidt says he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself," he says.
Schmidt defends that it was just once and Nick has done it multiple times. Nick drags in Winston's sex dream about Jess in which she had raccoon hands.
"You've all thought about me while self completing!" she says. "We're going back to keeping secrets! When I walk out of this room this conversation never happened!" Jess says, running out screaming.
The next morning, Cece comes out of Schmidt's room and finds Jess standing in the kitchen in a ski mask and parka. She plans to wear her winter clothes until she can deal with the idea that her roommates fantasized about her.
She complains that she's never not told Cece something.
Flash back to them years ago.
"That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin anymore," Jess says.
Another time, Jess saying: "Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?"
And another, where Jess confesses she had a dream about killing Cece.
Back in the kitchen, Cece points out that Jess tells her everything, but she stopped that a long time ago because Jess got judgmental and critical.
Flash to Cece telling Jess: "I had to give it a try, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo."
"You don't have secrets Jess, because you don't do anything stupid -- with guys," Cece says. Jess starts judging her for Schmidt.
Nick walks out. He has a lady friend over. He sees Jess in her parka and says it's kind of a fantasy of his. He asks her to say the following words: "The ice roads are too dangerous, you're gonna have to turn back, chief!"
There's a knock at the door and hook up No. 1 comes in looking for her scarf. She hears the voice of hook up No. 2 from Nick's bedroom. Soon, he's getting slapped by both.
Jess continues ranting about Cece keeping secrets. Cece starts confessing. She spent New Year's in St. Barth's with someone who might have been an arms dealer. Her feet aren't wider than Jess', she just said that to make her feel better. When they were 10, she went to the movie "My Girl" with someone else before her. And she owns a motorcycle.
Jess freaks out at Cece, prompting Winston to come out from his bedroom and rant for peace and quiet. He goes into a negro spiritual-tinged soliloquy about being Nick's lover on the downlow.
It sends the hook ups away, they decide to get manicures together.
He tells Cece to get rid of the motorcycle, but compliments Schmidt for being in the prime of his life. He also calls Jess out to admit she fantasizes about the guys, too. He doesn't work 9 to 5, he hears things.
The next day, Cece and Jess run the 10K for MS. Cece blows by the guys, saying she has to beat Jess. Jess huffs and puffs by later. Schmidt is wearing a t-shirt that says "See Cece Run". He made it and Cece thinks it's funny.
Jess runs after her.
Two girls run up together and Nick realizes he slept with both of them. They start to yell, but he calmly tells one he didn't call her because of a family emergency and he didn't tell the other about the first because their moment together was too beautiful. The girls run off, appeased.
Schmidt offers a high five and Nick is disgusted he has to give it. The Schmidt approach works.
Jess finally catches up to Cece, saying she knows why she didn't tell her, she likes Schmidt. Jess guesses that Cece wasn't ready to admit it to herself. Cece asks her not to tell anyone.
Back at the loft, Jess thinks Cece and Schmidt cooking together are cute. She leaves and Schmidt wonders how they're going to tell her that they're just having sex, nothing else. He doesn't mean it.
Winston quizzes Cece for possible explanation for why she's sleeping with Schmidt. Including: Is is a pity thing? Is he sick? Are you working for the government? If he's holding you against your will, blink twice. You tired of being turned on? You have a mole fetish?
And finally: Is it huge?