- Louie's Doctor: In your life, what's new? Any new stress?
- Louie: Oh, uh... well, no, I mean, I got kids and I work; it's hard sometimes, but, you know, boilerplate misery: alone in the world, might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face, what's the point? But nothing new.
- Uncle Excelsior: [greeting Louie] How are you? You are-you are in show business now?
- Louie: Yeah, yeah.
- Uncle Excelsior: [fondly] Then tell me! Tell me all about that.
- Louie: Well, this uh, it's going pretty well, I got this show, and uh...
- Uncle Excelsior: [cutting him off] That's wonderful.
- Uncle Excelsior: Listen, why I want to see you.
- Louie: Okay.
- Uncle Excelsior: I was in Boston yesterday because I bought a credenza in Geneva: see, they're representing Mexico at an international finance analysis conference. And I was invited to the palace of some sort of duke, and he had this wonderful credenza, and I asked him about it, and he said, well, he was this kind of man
- [pulls effeminate face]
- Uncle Excelsior: , mm? Who has a hunting dog by his side and boots, you know? You know, like um
- [pulls face again]
- Uncle Excelsior: , like this kind of man, you know
- [he laughs, then sternly]
- Uncle Excelsior: you know?
- Louie: Okay.
- Uncle Excelsior: And so this duke, I said to him, "what a wonderful credenza", and he says
- [in effeminate, pinched voice]
- Uncle Excelsior: "I must make you a gift of one"
- Uncle Excelsior: [to Louie] I saw your father: he is alone, he has no one. I could not even look at him and he cried to me
- [in a whiny, feeble voice]
- Uncle Excelsior: "ooh, my son, he does not call me, he does not see me!"
- [back to his own voice]
- Uncle Excelsior: . It was disgusting, like a woman.
- Rental Car Lady: [Louie has just thrown up on a rental car] Sir, sir! You can't throw up on the car!
- Louie: I already did, I'm sorry.
- Rental Car Lady: Well sir, you're gonna have to clean that up. That's not your car.
- Louie: [cross] Hey, listen, I'm going to see my father, okay, I'm a little distressed, I haven't seen him in two years!
- Rental Car Lady: Well, either see him or don't see him, make a decision, be a man, you're forty-four years old, it's your fault!
- Uncle Excelsior: When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father, your abuelo. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And in three months, he let my horse die.
- Louie: [hesitantly] Yeah, so...
- Uncle Excelsior: Louie, let me ask you something
- [he lifts his middle finger]
- Uncle Excelsior: . When a man has intercourse with a prostitute and he covers his organ
- [mimes covering his finger]
- Uncle Excelsior: with protection, so that he won't catch her wretchedness, he is acting in the name of his family so that he won't take it home to his wife. Hm?
- Louie: [nonplussed] That's-that's a question?
- Uncle Excelsior: But! Between a father and a son
- [he mimes uncovering his finger]
- Uncle Excelsior: there can be no separation, no boundary. A father calls, a son answers; a father *beckons*, a son comes!
- [brandishes his middle finger]
- Uncle Excelsior: This is for life, Louie: for life!