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A Haunted House (2013) Poster

Quotes

Malcolm: Oh, my God! What did you do?

Father Williams: Shit, I did you a favor.

Malcolm: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Rosa!

Rosa: I just wanted my last check, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Oh, my God, you shot my housekeeper.

Father Williams: You mean, your ex-housekeeper. Look, man, the bitch can't be jumping out on me like that. You ain't gonna tell nobody, right? I got warrants.

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Father Williams: Tic tac toe in yo' face!

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Malcolm: Bitch! There is a ghost in the house!

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Malcolm: Who am I kidding? I can't sell a house in this market! Immediate possession? It's already possessed!

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Kisha: I'm a scary ghost!

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Kisha: There are Super Bowl commercials that last longer than you, Malcolm!

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Malcolm: Oh, Father. Thank God you could make it.

Father Williams: Nigger, call me Doug. I don't like being called "Father." No way. Plus, I got a couple issues with a few people out there claiming false child support. I mean, just 'cause the little nigger got my eyes, my nose, my extremely rare AB-negative blood type, don't mean I'm the damn daddy.

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[first lines]

Malcolm: Why isn't this stupid thing working? See, that's that bullshit. I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy.

[takes off lens cap]

Malcolm: Or not. Stupid lens cap.

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[last lines]

Malcolm: Yeah baby! I lived! I lived! In your face! In your face! You thought you'll move in my house and kill me? What?

[laughs]

Malcolm: She's right behind me, isn't she?

[Malcolm is dragged away screaming]

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Malcolm: You made a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes?

Kisha: Not shoes, Malcolm! Louboutins, okay?

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Father Williams: Uh, bro, I'm gonna have to level with you. This bitch don't look right. I mean, she look all ashy and shit, and just... You know, like E.T. with a weave. If I was you, I'd just be out. Let's just go. Come on. Let's go.

Malcolm: Uh, I... I can't leave her. That's my girl.

Father Williams: Are you kidding me? Come on, man. There's so much pussy in the world, man. You don't have to be with just her. Come to the congregation. I've got a few in the congregation, I'm trying to tell you.

[Father Williams pulls a photo from his wallet]

Father Williams: Check this out. Now, I know she look old. I know she... But she a freak, and she got skills.

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Father Williams: I'm Father Doug. I'm here to unpossess you.

Kisha: Do you know how to connect the cuts?

Father Williams: Uh. Uh. Uh.

Father Williams: Tic tac toe in your face!"

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Father Williams: Hey, guys. Gentlemen, what we have here is a crazy bitch. Now, I would leave her possessed ass in the alley downtown if it was me, but apparently, Malcolm's got a thing for the freak.

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Kisha: [after Malcolm accidentally uploads a video of the ghost sodomizing him onto YouTube] You're gonna be bigger than "Charlie Bit My Finger."

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Father Williams: Man, that breath is kickin. I can only image what the kitty smell like.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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