A Haunted House (2013)
Father Williams: Uh, bro, I'm gonna have to level with you. This bitch don't look right. I mean, she look all ashy and shit, and just... You know, like E.T. with a weave. If I was you, I'd just be out. Let's just go. Come on. Let's go.
Malcolm: Uh, I... I can't leave her. That's my girl.
Father Williams: Are you kidding me? Come on, man. There's so much pussy in the world, man. You don't have to be with just her. Come to the congregation. I've got a few in the congregation, I'm trying to tell you.
[Father Williams pulls a photo from his wallet]
Father Williams: Check this out. Now, I know she look old. I know she... But she a freak, and she got skills.
Malcolm: Who am I kidding? I can't sell a house in this market! Immediate possession? It's already possessed!
Malcolm: Oh, Father. Thank God you could make it.
Father Williams: Nigger, call me Doug. I don't like being called "Father." No way. Plus, I got a couple issues with a few people out there claiming false child support. I mean, just 'cause the little nigger got my eyes, my nose, my extremely rare AB-negative blood type, don't mean I'm the damn daddy.
Kisha: There are Super Bowl commercials that last longer than you, Malcolm!
Malcolm: Why isn't this stupid thing working? See, that's that bullshit. I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy.
[takes off lens cap]
Malcolm: Or not. Stupid lens cap.
Malcolm: Yeah baby! I lived! I lived! In your face! In your face! You thought you'll move in my house and kill me? What?
Malcolm: She's right behind me, isn't she?
[Malcolm is dragged away screaming]
Malcolm: You made a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes?
Kisha: Not shoes, Malcolm! Louboutins, okay?
Malcolm: Oh, my God! What did you do?
Father Williams: Shit, I did you a favor.
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Rosa!
Rosa: I just wanted my last check, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Oh, my God, you shot my housekeeper.
Father Williams: You mean, your ex-housekeeper. Look, man, the bitch can't be jumping out on me like that. You ain't gonna tell nobody, right? I got warrants.
Father Williams: I'm Father Doug. I'm here to unpossess you.
Kisha: Do you know how to connect the cuts?
Father Williams: Uh. Uh. Uh.
Father Williams: Tic tac toe in your face!"
Father Williams: Hey, guys. Gentlemen, what we have here is a crazy bitch. Now, I would leave her possessed ass in the alley downtown if it was me, but apparently, Malcolm's got a thing for the freak.
Kisha: [after Malcolm accidentally uploads a video of the ghost sodomizing him onto YouTube] You're gonna be bigger than "Charlie Bit My Finger."