Leonard Hofstadter: [waking up by hearing rhythm sounds] Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please, don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
[gets up, walks into the living room]
Sheldon Cooper: [playing bongos, "sings" to the rhythms] Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: I was sleeping!
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard sleeps while I play bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he doesn't.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard no sleep while I play bongos! Bongo solo!
Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon Cooper: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!
Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon Cooper: [coming in] Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon Cooper: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings off screen] I play bongos walking down the stairs.
Sheldon Cooper: [falls] Oh! Oh!
[Penny looks freaked and worried at the same time]
Sheldon Cooper: [continues singing] Never play bongos walking down the stairs!
Howard Wolowitz: [Describing survival training] I ate a butterfly. It was so small... beautiful... I was so hungry.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard Hofstadter: [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon Cooper: I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
Penny: Sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Uh, he's crazy.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great! What are you gonna do first?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster.
[hammers his hand at the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Howard's survival training] Do you sleep in tents?
Howard Wolowitz: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground, with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in... and spooned me.
Penny: [Penny is cutting Sheldon's hair] Almost done.
Sheldon Cooper: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon Cooper: That's okay, I never understood them anyway.
Howard Wolowitz: [Describing survival training] I'm severely dehydrated.
Howard Wolowitz: My pee is like toothpaste.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things; I'll pick you up when you're done.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. I-I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Angelo: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
Angelo: I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in hospital. He's pretty sick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio is in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Angelo: I could cut it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my haircut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
Sheldon Cooper: You believe this guy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.
Sheldon Cooper: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a nephew.
Penny: If I were you, I'd be worried that a girl who's never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day - but all my efforts: our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet - it's clear now; I've been wasting my time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.
[Sheldon sits down and Angelo starts preparations to cut his hair]
Angelo: So my kid did the funniest thing today...
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Stands up and walks out]
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Angelo] When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
[Sheldon jerks and laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
[Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head]
Penny: Okay, yup, we're all done now.
[grabs the hand mirror]
Penny: Let me just take that away from you.
[removes towel from his shoulders]
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome.
Penny: Yup, I'm going to have to move.