- Louie: Okay, I'm gonna come out and tell you, I'm - I'm asking you out. That's what I'm doing - and please don't answer yet. Because I know you might have a "No" cued up in your head already. And I - but I - please, will you let me say a few things?
- [Liz nods]
- Louie: I - I know that being a woman in New York must be hard, because it's basically disappointing, maybe, that you try to be nice to men as human beings, and - and then they respond by just torpedoing towards your vagina. And I - I want you to know that I'm aware that you're young and beautiful and I'm not either of those things, and I - part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving, you're gonna say no, but I - please think of the fact that it's low risk, what I'm asking: You just come out with me for a drink. And even if you got up and left in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't - I wouldn't hold it against you. So just make a judgment based on that it - nothing horrible would happen if you came out with me. I think you're so attractive. I'm attracted to you because you're nice and you're a decent person, and those are - and other reasons you probably want people to be attracted to you. I - also, you're all horribly cute. I mean, you're cute as hell, and I - I grow on people, women, when they - you get - some time goes by, you get past the bald head and the s- that I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy.
- [sighs]
- Louie: I've run out of things to say. Can you just say, tell me now, if it's - did this work, are you gonna...
- Liz: [matter-of-factly] I don't date guys, I'm a lesbian.
- [Stunned, Louie stares at her]
- Liz: [laughs] I'm just kidding. Of course I'll have a drink with you, why not?
- Louie: [laughs] Oh my god. Really?
- Liz: Yes! I don't choose guys based on looks. That made for a really shitty life for me. And you're not a troll, for Christ's sake - get some confidence.
- Louie: I'll have it up and running.
- Liz: Do you wanna pick me up tonight?
- Louie: Tonight? Yeah.
- Liz: At eight o'clock?
- Louie: Yes, please.
- Liz: When I get off?
- Louie: That'd be great.
- Liz: Okay. Nice job on the asking out.
- Louie: Thank you.
- Liz: [walking away] I liked it. A-plus.
- ["Friends with benefits" Louie and Maria are postcoitally lying in bed watching TV]
- Louie: Do you wanna come over sometime and have dinner? Like, we'd have dinner?
- Maria: Are you asking me out on a date or s...
- Louie: [stammering] No. Uh, like, if you came to my place and had d- the - we - I would make you dinner at my place, and with my kids there and...
- Maria: Go and have dinner with you and your kids?
- Louie: Yeah.
- Maria: Oh. That's nice.
- [long pause]
- Maria: Why do you want me... to do that?
- Louie: Because I just thought it - I thought it'd be nice. You don't want to?
- Maria: *No.* I *really* don't wanna do that. I do *not* wanna meet your kids. Ugh.
- Louie: "Ugh"? Why do you have to say, "Ugh"?
- Maria: Wh- what do you think this is? Like, I'm your girlfriend?
- Louie: No. I'm - Just forget it. I'm sorry.
- [Maria sits up and turns away from Louie]
- Maria: Jesus, now I'm all dicked up in the head... and it was so simple with you.
- Louie: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I brought it up. I'm sorry I dicked you up in the head.
- Maria: [pointing to Louie's crotch] I'm here for that. And - and now you're - trying to add features to this thing...
- Louie: I'm not trying to add - I'm trying to - You know what? Really forget it.
- Maria: Wow.
- Louie: Really forget it. I'm so sorry.
- Maria: You really ruined my night. In two ways now.
- [pause]
- Maria: You're bad at sex.
- [gets out of bed]
- Maria: You're bad at it.
- Louie: Okay.
- Maria: You're bad at it.
- Louie: Okay.
- Maria: No. It's one thing you're not good at, Louie.
- Louie: Okay.