CeCe drops Schmidt off a mile away from the loft and he's miffed. They're right in front of a pick pocket and he's wearing his slippiest loafers. He doesn't mind her not telling people about them, but he warns her he needs a little more stability. She's ripping the middle block right out of his Jenga. She says they're being spontaneous, but he clarifies that word has never been applied to him.
He's had enough. He gets out, handing her his shoes.
"I can get a tetanus shot, but I can't cure damaged suede," he says.
Back at the loft, Jess presents Schmidt with the hutch she found on the street.
"Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses," Schmidt tells her.
She ignores him. He threatens to reinstate his ban on high-waisted shorts.
"You would not, that was the worst four weeks of my life," she says.
Winston wanders through the bathroom with a beer at 10 a.m. He knows what it'll feel like when he stops, so he doesn't plan to.
They remember their poker game last night. Winston more than Nick. On Nick's chest it's written: "You owe me $487."
Jess comes in complaining about Schmidt's anti-hutch stance. She's angry about Schmidt's edicts. They point out he cooks and cleans.
Jess wonders why Nick has cannons drawn all over his back, or maybe long stem mushrooms. "So that's not a mossy cave?" she asks.
Schmidt comes home and sees Jess's hutch, afghan and dress maker's form in the loft. He doesn't appreciate her non-Polynesian vanilla is touching his Polynesian vanilla.
He's aghast his coffee grinder is in her hutch. He extols its virtues and she tells him she's used it to make home made crayons.
He wants the hutch gone and tries to tip it over. She fends him off and he backs away.
With her back turned, he tips it over and crushes it.
Jess comes back in and tells him he has a real problem and needs to learn to calm down.
Jess and Schmidt stroll down the boardwalk. He hates it. She points out birds in the sky; he sees a cat eating a dead one. She points out sea and sand; he sees a hypodermic. She points out the wind in their hair; he takes his vengeance out on a kite.
Winston and Nick grab lunch on a park bench. Winston paid for lunch, which allows him to bring up that Nick owns him a ton of money. He wrote a script. He's willing to call it $200. Nick agrees. They shake.
Then Nick tries to negotiate the gas money he put in, and the pay per view fight he got, and the beer. He argues it down to $140.
Jess and Schmidt take in the sights. He freaks out at a mime and kid eating ice cream. Jess notices he's crazy.
"You're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy," she says.
He blames his mom who, even though they were Jewish, told him Santa didn't come to their house because his room was dirty. He ate because food was the only thing he could control.
Jess urges him to be spontaneous. A drum circle beckons.
Winston interrupts Nick in the middle of a beer. He presents him with receipts, including a box turtle, a domain name. Nick wonders how many 400 cognac and colas equals, and how much Winston should owe for seeing his mother naked in eight grade.
Jess and Schmidt return. He's geeked because he made it into the ocean without his aqua socks.
Flash back to the drum circle, and Schmidt cutting loose with his shirt off. He tells them how he washed his hands in a public restroom and there was a man in there using the toilet, full sit, and he didn't break eye contact once.
"That's not letting go -- that's cruising," Winston clarifies.
Nick does a spit take and Schmidt does his exercise to avoid compulsively cleaning it up. He runs to shower.
Winston and Nick warn Jess she messed with the ecosystem.
In the morning, they're all going crazy because Schmidt is drumming and the loft is a mess.
At the store, Nick and Winston try to get the groceries down to $100, putting back the baked ham and shrimp. They run the beer and Winston's Epsom salts.
Winston tells Nick he doesn't owe him anything because his mom will always be winner of "best boobs, Master's division". They get in a slap fight.
Later that night, Jess finds Schmidt sitting in a park wearing a baja and a drum. He's eating a hot dog from a shopping cart and hasn't been to work in three days. Jess tells him she made a mistake and asks him to come home.
They've all lost their keys to the mailbox. Schmidt urges her to say it in drums.
At the loft, Winston and Nick ice their wounds with the last frozen thing in the freezer. Jess comes home alone.
"Being friends with Schmidt is really complicated, because you want to change him so badly -- but you can't. Because he'll just get worse," Nick says.
Jess realizes she upset the ecosystem. She just wanted a hutch.
Later, they all snap to when Schmidt comes home.
They sit him down.
Nick tells him he needs Schmidt to tell him what pants not to wear, and he needs him to laugh at him when he calls a Panini a hot sandwich.
Winston even misses his hair "chut-en-ney".
Schmidt makes them a family.
Nick tells him if he comes back, he'll let him clean his room. "The white whale?" Schmidt asks.
Jess got him a pair of grey, shiny, flat-front trousers designed by a man named Calvin, pockets are sewn shut.
She leaves them on his bongo drum.
He picks them up. "Calvin. You magnificent wizard," he says.
The next morning they wake up to the sounds of cleaning. Schmidt tells Nick his hair is doing the thing he hates.
At night, CeCe climbs into bed with Schmidt. He points out she's clearly in control in the relationship, and he's fine with it -- but if she's the one breaking in at 3 a.m., who's really in control?
And then he ruins the power play with pet names for his pee pee.