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"Modern Family" Me? Jealous? (TV Episode 2012) Poster

(TV Series)

(2012)

Quotes

Claire Dunphy: Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a Big Sister.

Haley Dunphy: Technically, I am a big sister.

Phil Dunphy: She capitalized the "B" and the "S".

Claire Dunphy: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.

Phil Dunphy: So Claire and I suggested that...

Haley Dunphy: Forced.

Phil Dunphy: ...that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.

Claire Dunphy: We could. A little bit.

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Claire Dunphy: What is wrong with you?

Phil Dunphy: You're laughing like it's Who's On First.

Claire Dunphy: What?

Phil Dunphy: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

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Phil Dunphy: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take her to bed, comma, and make her laugh.

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Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad, did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?

Jay Pritchett: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

Mitchell Pritchett: I don't know. What?

Jay Pritchett: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.

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Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad?

Jay Pritchett: Don't need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there. It won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.

Mitchell Pritchett: No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

Jay Pritchett: I guess we're gonna talk about it.

Mitchell Pritchett: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.

Jay Pritchett: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.

Mitchell Pritchett: I'm pretty sure that's not the saying, but... um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

Jay Pritchett: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say "What do lawyers use as birth control?" and the answer is "Their personalities", I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

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Cameron Tucker: Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here. I'm going to spend 72 hours with this one.

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We are inseperable, like... Um...

Cameron Tucker: Fred and Ginger?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who?

[beat]

Cameron Tucker: Movie night!

[Cameron and Gloria squeal with delight]

Jay Pritchett: It's been noisier than usual lately.

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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Lily, come here. Let me fix your hair.

Cameron Tucker: Oh, that's nice.

Cameron Tucker: [to camera] I had no idea her hair was broken.

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Alex Dunphy: What are you doing?

Haley Dunphy: I'm helping my Little Sister with her homework.

Alex Dunphy: That seems... mean.

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Luke Dunphy: How does he find the time to do those things?

Phil Dunphy: He got divorced, so his whole life opened up. He's living the dream.

[Claire glares at him]

Phil Dunphy: His dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.

Claire Dunphy: Okay, stop.

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Mitchell Pritchett: No breakfast for me. I have to go to work early.

Jay Pritchett: Oh, really? I didn't hear an ambulance drive by.

[laughs]

Mitchell Pritchett: It's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.

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Haley Dunphy: I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

Alex Dunphy: You're the one who tries to read.

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Luke Dunphy: I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me! Be normaler.

[goes back to his room]

Haley Dunphy: Wow.

Alex Dunphy: I've never seen him like that.

Haley Dunphy: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.

Alex Dunphy: Remember how we used to dress him up?

Haley Dunphy: I miss her.

Haley Dunphy: I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!

Haley Dunphy: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.

Luke Dunphy: [singsong] Betty Luke!

Luke Dunphy: I will burn this house down!

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