Claire Dunphy: Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a Big Sister.
Haley Dunphy: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil Dunphy: She capitalized the "B" and the "S".
Claire Dunphy: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil Dunphy: So Claire and I suggested that...
Haley Dunphy: Forced.
Phil Dunphy: ...that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire Dunphy: We could. A little bit.
Claire Dunphy: What is wrong with you?
Phil Dunphy: You're laughing like it's Who's On First.
Claire Dunphy: What?
Phil Dunphy: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.
Phil Dunphy: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take her to bed, comma, and make her laugh.
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad, did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay Pritchett: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell Pritchett: I don't know. What?
Jay Pritchett: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.
Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad?
Jay Pritchett: Don't need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there. It won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.
Mitchell Pritchett: No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
Jay Pritchett: I guess we're gonna talk about it.
Mitchell Pritchett: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay Pritchett: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell Pritchett: I'm pretty sure that's not the saying, but... um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.
Jay Pritchett: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say "What do lawyers use as birth control?" and the answer is "Their personalities", I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.
Cameron Tucker: Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here. I'm going to spend 72 hours with this one.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We are inseperable, like... Um...
Cameron Tucker: Fred and Ginger?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who?
Cameron Tucker: Movie night!
[Cameron and Gloria squeal with delight]
Jay Pritchett: It's been noisier than usual lately.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Lily, come here. Let me fix your hair.
Cameron Tucker: Oh, that's nice.
Cameron Tucker: [to camera] I had no idea her hair was broken.
Alex Dunphy: What are you doing?
Haley Dunphy: I'm helping my Little Sister with her homework.
Alex Dunphy: That seems... mean.
Luke Dunphy: How does he find the time to do those things?
Phil Dunphy: He got divorced, so his whole life opened up. He's living the dream.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil Dunphy: His dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
Claire Dunphy: Okay, stop.
Mitchell Pritchett: No breakfast for me. I have to go to work early.
Jay Pritchett: Oh, really? I didn't hear an ambulance drive by.
Mitchell Pritchett: It's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.
Luke Dunphy: I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me! Be normaler.
[goes back to his room]
Haley Dunphy: Wow.
Alex Dunphy: I've never seen him like that.
Haley Dunphy: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.
Alex Dunphy: Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley Dunphy: I miss her.
Haley Dunphy: I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley Dunphy: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Luke Dunphy: [singsong] Betty Luke!
Luke Dunphy: I will burn this house down!