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"Archer" The Man from Jupiter (TV Episode 2012) Poster

(TV Series)

(2012)

Quotes

Burt Reynolds: You're kidding me...

Sterling Archer: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.

Burt Reynolds: You should get a bat-pole.

Sterling Archer: Nine thousand bucks.

Burt Reynolds: What?

Sterling Archer: Lowest quote I got.

Burt Reynolds: Well that's ridiculous.

Sterling Archer: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like "but what do we do with the garbage?"

Burt Reynolds: Yeah but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.

Sterling Archer: I know!

Burt Reynolds: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.

Sterling Archer: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.

Burt Reynolds: And you were gonna pay for it yourself...

Sterling Archer: Yep.

Burt Reynolds: No assessment or anything.

Sterling Archer: Yep.

Burt Reynolds: Ridiculous.

Sterling Archer: Preaching to the choir buddy.

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[while being chased by the cops at high speed]

Burt Reynolds: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.

Sterling Archer: Hooray.

Burt Reynolds: You know what your problem is?

Sterling Archer: My pants are wet?

Burt Reynolds: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...

Sterling Archer: Don't make it weirder!

Burt Reynolds: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -

[a police car pulls up next to them]

Burt Reynolds: Oops. Hang on!

[he sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]

Sterling Archer: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!

Burt Reynolds: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.

Sterling Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!

[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]

Sterling Archer: OW!

Burt Reynolds: How 'bout now?

Sterling Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.

Burt Reynolds: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!

Sterling Archer: See wh -

[he looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]

Sterling Archer: No! BURT, NOOO!

[Burt laughs]

Sterling Archer: Please don't do this!

[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]

Sterling Archer: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!

[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]

Sterling Archer: My pants are now literally wet.

Burt Reynolds: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.

[pause]

Sterling Archer: Huh.

Burt Reynolds: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her," I mean...

Sterling Archer: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...

[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]

Sterling Archer: ... bet. Goddamn it.

Burt Reynolds: Now whaddya say we have some fun?

Sterling Archer: [holding up his pistols] Whatever.

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Pam Poovey: I'm going to go home and put in Hooper and masturbate until my fingers are raw.

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Sterling Archer: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.

Burt Reynolds: Well, calling yourself that can't help.

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Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...

Sterling Archer: [on recording] Hello?

Malory Archer: Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...

Sterling Archer: Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.

Malory Archer: Oh, for God's sake.

Sterling Archer: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.

Malory Archer: Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.

Sterling Archer: Hold on, hold on! Hang on!

Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick...

[vase smashes and cat meows]

Sterling Archer: I got it.

Malory Archer: Sterling?

Sterling Archer: Don't hang up!

[pans clatter then answering machine beeps]

Sterling Archer: Hello?

Malory Archer: Sterling, it's...

Sterling Archer: Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.

[Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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