Burt Reynolds: You're kidding me...
Sterling Archer: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
Burt Reynolds: You should get a bat-pole.
Sterling Archer: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt Reynolds: What?
Sterling Archer: Lowest quote I got.
Burt Reynolds: Well that's ridiculous.
Sterling Archer: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like "but what do we do with the garbage?"
Burt Reynolds: Yeah but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
Sterling Archer: I know!
Burt Reynolds: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Sterling Archer: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt Reynolds: And you were gonna pay for it yourself...
Sterling Archer: Yep.
Burt Reynolds: No assessment or anything.
Sterling Archer: Yep.
Burt Reynolds: Ridiculous.
Sterling Archer: Preaching to the choir buddy.
[while being chased by the cops at high speed]
Burt Reynolds: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
Sterling Archer: Hooray.
Burt Reynolds: You know what your problem is?
Sterling Archer: My pants are wet?
Burt Reynolds: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
Sterling Archer: Don't make it weirder!
Burt Reynolds: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
[a police car pulls up next to them]
Burt Reynolds: Oops. Hang on!
[he sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
Sterling Archer: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
Burt Reynolds: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
Sterling Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
Sterling Archer: OW!
Burt Reynolds: How 'bout now?
Sterling Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.
Burt Reynolds: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
Sterling Archer: See wh -
[he looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
Sterling Archer: No! BURT, NOOO!
Sterling Archer: Please don't do this!
[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
Sterling Archer: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
Sterling Archer: My pants are now literally wet.
Burt Reynolds: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
Sterling Archer: Huh.
Burt Reynolds: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her," I mean...
Sterling Archer: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
Sterling Archer: ... bet. Goddamn it.
Burt Reynolds: Now whaddya say we have some fun?
Sterling Archer: [holding up his pistols] Whatever.
Pam Poovey: I'm going to go home and put in Hooper and masturbate until my fingers are raw.
Sterling Archer: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Burt Reynolds: Well, calling yourself that can't help.
Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
Sterling Archer: [on recording] Hello?
Malory Archer: Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
Sterling Archer: Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.
Malory Archer: Oh, for God's sake.
Sterling Archer: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
Malory Archer: Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
Sterling Archer: Hold on, hold on! Hang on!
Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick...
[vase smashes and cat meows]
Sterling Archer: I got it.
Malory Archer: Sterling?
Sterling Archer: Don't hang up!
[pans clatter then answering machine beeps]
Sterling Archer: Hello?
Malory Archer: Sterling, it's...
Sterling Archer: Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.
[Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]