Mindy Lahiri: Dear Lord, please let this date be good. May he have the wealth of Mayor Bloomberg, the personality of John Stewart, the face of Michael Fassbender... the penis of Michael Fassbender.
Mindy Lahiri: Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those "Eat, Pray, Love" things. Ugh, no, I don't want to pray. Forget it, I'll just die alone.
Mindy Lahiri: I cannot keep hooking up with Jeremy and then later asking him, "Hey what's our deal anyway?"
Gwen Grandy: That British guy? He is bad news!
Mindy Lahiri: We do not know that he is bad news. I think he has a good heart. I think he is Hugh Grant in 'About a Boy.'
Gwen Grandy: I think that he is Hugh Grant in real life!
Danny Castellano: So who's the guy?
Mindy Lahiri: He was perfect, Danny! He was handsome. He had a job. He was exactly seven inches taller than me, which you know is very important to me.
Mindy Lahiri: I am sharing my feelings with you!
Danny Castellano: I want to share this show with you, it's a great show. I've seen this episode before.
Mindy Lahiri: There are different episodes of this?
Mindy Lahiri: Maybe I won't get married you know? Maybe I'll do one of those 'Eat Pray Love' things. Ugh, forget it, I don't want to pray.
Danny Castellano: Daniel Castellano. I'm the man who's going to take a person out of you. I don't take that responsibility lightly, okay?
Mindy Lahiri: I don't think they thought I would ever go, so they invited me to be polite. But no, I did go. And after four vodka sodas, I realized I had something to say.
Mindy Lahiri: God forbid you give away the ending to Downton Abbey!
Danny Castellano: What the hell is this show and why does everybody keep talking about it?
Danny Castellano: Why can't I talk?
Mindy Lahiri: And when that hot, mean doll pointed out that even she had a boyfriend, I just started to cry. This is not where I should be.
Gwen Grandy: Well your life is not a romantic comedy. Right now it seems more like a sad documentary about a criminally insane spinster.
Mindy Lahiri: It kind of sounds like I'd win an Oscar though.
Danny Castellano: And may I say you look great!
Mindy Lahiri: Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time to get dolled up for you because I was kind of busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment!
Danny Castellano: Wrongful? My Godm do you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl who fell into the pool?
Danny Castellano: You know I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real.
Jeremy Reed: That's not cool. Yes, yeah I love sex. I do it a lot. I do it well, but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to attention.
Mindy Lahiri: That is so interesting.
Mindy Lahiri: Okay, okay, look, look. I will take you on as a patient, but you just need to look me in the eye and promise me that you will have health insurance by the time she delivers.
Max: But I can't promise it. I don't know if it's true.
Mindy Lahiri: It doesn't have to be true I just need to hear it. I do this with guys all the time.
Danny Castellano: That's not a good date outfit.
Mindy Lahiri: What are you talking about? It's glamorous and it's awesome.
Danny Castellano: Girls may like that stuff, but guys don't.
Mindy Lahiri: Um, I think I know what guys like.
Danny Castellano: Maybe. Is your date with Elton John on New Year's Eve?
Mindy Lahiri: That's not funny. That is insensitive to gay men... and to me.
Danny Castellano: He hates it.
Mindy Lahiri: He didn't say that.
Danny Castellano: Anyway, that's just my two cents, but what do I know? I'm just a wealthy, single, heterosexual male.
Betsy Putch: Well, what do you think she should wear, Dr. Castellano? She didn't grow up in this country.
Mindy Lahiri: Actually, I did grow up in this country, Betsy, thank you, but answer the question.
Danny Castellano: Easy. Tight dress, shoes that won't make you complain about walking two blocks, not a lot of makeup. Look hot. Keep it simple.
Mindy Lahiri: Let's see, what should I order? I'm basically a vegetarian. For moral reasons. I mean I eat eggs and fish and hamburgers. Never steak.
Dennis: Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Mindy Lahiri: [on phone] Max? I am on a date right now. Do you know how difficult it is for a chubby 31-year-old woman to go on a legit date with a guy who majored in economics at Duke?
Dennis: I never told you those things.
Mindy Lahiri: I looked it up online, okay? Relax!
Danny Castellano: Was he a man?
Mindy Lahiri: What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.
Danny Castellano: No, I mean like, was he a man?
Mindy Lahiri: Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying.
Danny Castellano: Was this the kind of guy who if you heard glass breaking in the middle of the night is he gonna jump out of bed, say "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?
Mindy Lahiri: I don't know, that's a good question.
Danny Castellano: Is this the kind of guy who's gonna get grossed out when you give birth or is he gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all that disgusting stuff's coming out of you?
Mindy Lahiri: I... I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.
Danny Castellano: Is this the kind of guy who's not afraid to get in a fight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? He'll just put it out and he'll take him down right there, right now?
Mindy Lahiri: Okay, you're just talking about yourself.
Danny Castellano: You know, you actually didn't do a terrible job with that breach.
Mindy Lahiri: I knew it! I knew it, you stalker, you were trying to steal my delivery!
Danny Castellano: Well sure, I never know when you're gonna get wasted and spend night in jail. I gotta pounce on those opportunities. With the economy and all.
Mindy Lahiri: Danny, that was kind of funny.
Danny Castellano: What with the economy line?
Mindy Lahiri: Yeah!
Mindy Lahiri: Hey Gwen, I really am changing though. I just feel very motivated and tomorrow is going to be very different. And you know what, if not tomorrow, then the next day, I swear!
Mindy Lahiri: I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springstein concert.
Danny Castellano: First of all it's a Springstein show not a Bruce Springstein concert. You sound ignorant. Second of all, you don't show up at a Springstein show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp tee shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.