Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!
Ted Mosby: It's like when they canceled Party Of Five for the second time.
Ted Mosby: I mean when they canceled -
[searching for something manly to say]
Ted Mosby: sports.
Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin Scherbatsky: Something terrible happened...
Kevin: Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?
Barney Stinson: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall Eriksen: Long Island!
Mickey Aldrin: This lamp absolutely can not be here.
Marshall Eriksen: [Annoyed] Why not?
Mickey Aldrin: It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.
Lily Aldrin: Isn't she a little old dad?
Mickey Aldrin: You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.
Marshall Eriksen: We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.
Lily Aldrin: You never did a semester abroad?
Marshall Eriksen: That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.
Narrator: A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper
Barney Stinson: Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs.
[Moves a hand toward her]
Stripper Lily: [Slaps his hand] No touching.
Barney Stinson: Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!
Mickey Aldrin: [On the intercom while Marshall is walking through the dark house] Hello Mr. Eriksen. From the sound of the wind-chimes I hear you made it to the first floor
Marshall Eriksen: You know what Mickey, you can save the creepy game-master routine. It's only kind of terrifying me.
Mickey Aldrin: Oh, but the game has just begun. I call it "try not to bang into all the furniture and stuff on the way to the fuse box in the basement. Marshall" It's just all working title.
Ted Mosby: [Drunk] Who needs Marshall and Lily. We have a new gang and we're all gonna hang out together forever.
Stripper Lily: My shift is done. Good-bye.
Barney Stinson: Wait, stop! Technically this song's not over, so we own you. Plus, we're best friends! Where to next?
Arvydas: We go to underground poker game in mostly abandoned insane asylum.
Barney Stinson: Yes! This is going to be AWESOME. And when it is I want you all to remember who lead you there: Barney Stinson; new gang leader.
[Cut to sketchiest poker game ever]
Mickey Aldrin: [Watching from his window] That's right Widow Rodriguez; stretch it. Work out those gams. Yeah, grab that left arm, clutch that chest. Fall down really fast... oh my god! Somebody call 911!
Marshall Eriksen: [after turning the power back on] I did it!
Mickey Aldrin: No, Marshall. *You* did it.
Stripper Lily: [Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin Scherbatsky: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney Stinson: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!
Butterfly Knife: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?
Marshall Eriksen: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help...
Marshall Eriksen: We don't need your help!
Barney Stinson: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Sitting at the booth without Marshall and Lily] Look at what's become of our booth.
Ted Mosby: Looks like my old shop teachers hand - just sort of missing something.
Barney Stinson: As new group leader, I say we do something we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?
Barney Stinson: [Title says "Every night since 2005] Let's go to a strip club.
Lily Aldrin: Nope.
Barney Stinson: [Back to present] So, what do you guys say? Let's declare your Independence with a on-the-pen-dance.
Barney Stinson: on-the-pen-dance.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, we got it.
Arvydas: [about Stripper Lily] Want to touch my girlfriend's boobs? Fifty bucks.
Barney Stinson: Wait, Better Lily is dating this behemoth? Sound like anyone you know? That's new Marshall! This is our gang now!
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.
Marshall Eriksen: Thanks baby
[See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches]
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, I can't find them!
Mickey Aldrin: [On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these?
Mickey Aldrin: Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need
[laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers]
Mickey Aldrin: Ah! Ooo. Ow!