Arachnoquake (TV Movie 2012) Poster

(2012 TV Movie)

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Annoying Characters Drag Film Down
Michael_Elliott23 June 2012
Arachnoquake (2012)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

The latest film to debut on the SyFy channel has New Orleans being hit by an earthquake, which causes the ground to crack open and soon large, pink spiders are attacking people. Those expecting a fun monster mash are going to be disappointed because this film is pretty bad from the word go and it never picks up any speed. You know, I understand that horror films need dumb characters to do dumb things but there's a certain line you shouldn't cross in terms of dumbness and this film crosses that line and makes it's own new line. I really couldn't believe how stupid all of these characters were. So, you see a giant pink spider coming at you so what do you do? Well, of course, you pick it up. There are six or seven small spiders about the size of a baseball card coming after you so what do you do? Step on them? You'd think so but the characters here just jump around like little children. The entire film pretty much doesn't have an ounce of brains going for it and this doesn't cause any "fun" but instead it makes you grow more and more aggravated because the characters just become annoying. Tracey Gold gives a decent performance here and it's a shame her character wasn't a lead. Edward Furlong from T2 fame is on hand here playing the father (!?!?) of two teenagers. He really doesn't give a "good" performance but it was fun seeing him again. ARACHNOQUAKE is pure dumbness from start to finish but there are a few good moments with most of them being the bubble, explosion and gore that happens when a spider starts to come out of a human body. It's a shame that the director and writer didn't exploit this a little bit more and given fans more bang for their buck. The CGI effects are obviously very cheap but I thought the design of the spiders were nice. Still, this is certainly a film that can be skipped as there are much better killer spider movies out there.
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3/10
What Did You Expect?
M Weiss13 January 2014
This is a horrible movie but it can be horribly fun if you watch it with friends, and you just make jokes and laugh about how stupid the movie is, which I'm pretty sure is exactly what the intention of the film's producers was.

Basically this movie is about a huge earthquake which somehow opens up a sinkhole in the earth but it also simultaneously somehow awakens a colony of ancient and incredibly dangerous, deadly poisonous and aggressive spiders.

That really sums it up. The story doesn't really have any surprises and all the shocks and scares you will see coming a mile away. But there are a lot of fun moments and so bad they're funny death scenes. Pretty much every possible way you could picture spiders killing someone is covered in this movie.

Stupid, mindless fun.
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2/10
Funny to laugh at.....not in the good way either.
DarkVengence11 July 2012
Flipped the stations, came across this title and decided to cheaply entertain myself. I used to watch movies like this all the time just for the hell of it (though once in a rare while, there's a gem in all the rubble).

When I looked at who was in this movie - Tracey Gold, Ethan Phillips, and Edward Furlong among others - I already knew this was going to be one of THOSE movies. It was more out of seeing what Furlong was doing and what the spiders looked like more than anything that kept me tuned in. The spiders are as atrocious as any bad movie "monster". Even in 2012 and on TV, this was seriously poor.

Furlong looked bad as anyone would suspect. His acting (which to me was never all that great to begin with) was terrible and he was seriously miscast.

I made it halfway through and decided to just watch the rest, knowing full well this will be the last time I watch this garbage movie. Predictable and nothing greatly original, but if you enjoy bad movies like this, by all means - but this is pretty much as bad as it gets.
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2/10
Why do I keep watching this SyFy Channel crap?
Paul Andrews18 October 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Arachnoquake is set in New Orleans where Roy (Ethan Phillips) runs a sightseeing tour company for tourist's, annoyed at his layabout son Paul (Bug Hall) he decides to demote him to driving tourist's through the city on a bus. It's his first run of the day & the bus is almost empty but Paul soldiers on like a professional, however they soon notice that all is not right in New Orleans as a new species of Spider seem to infest the city. These Spider's lay egg's in people & breath fire as well, scary. Paul is appointed leader of the group since he was the tour-guide & takes it upon himself to save his customers but he also wants to warn his father & sister Petra (Olivia Hardt), Paul hopes this will impress his father. The army are called in to battle the Spider's so why Paul thinks he should save New Orleans on his own I don't know...

Edited & directed by Griff Furst who brought to the screen classics such as Universal Soldiers (2007), Wolvesbayne (2009), Lake Placid 3 (2010) & Swamp Shark (2011) it's genuinely hard to decide which of his films is the worst as none of them can be described as anything approaching good. As you might expect Arachnoquake is a disaster from start to finish, character's are idiotic, the plot is idiotic & the entire 85 minute run time is difficult to sit through. It really is awful, dialogue, character decision's, credibility & entertainment value are all well below par. The whole script is really dumb, from the lazy part where if the Queen Spider is killed all the other's will simply just die to the American military that consist of about five men who set-up their base of operations on a car park roof, the bit when Paul finds his assistant in bed with boils all over her face & her looking really ill yet leaving her & not calling an ambulance to the idea that these Spider's have never surfaced before yet when Paul enter's the tunnels they are about five foot under the surface & who was the genius that decided to give the Spider's the ability to breath fire? Also, was it the same genius who decided to have the huge house sized Spider water ski across a river at the end? It's a pretty funny scene actually. Giant Spider films are hardly original either especially considering this was made by the Sy Fy Channel who have also shown the likes of Ice Spiders (2007) & Camel Spiders (2011), did we need another terrible mutant monster Spider film? I am not sure that we did, the cinematic wasteland of creature features would hardly be worse off if Arachnoquake hadn't been made, would it?

Technically Arachnoquake is a mess as well, from the end when the giant Spider explodes yet does not damage the building it's between or leave any trace of itself to Paul firing at it with a shotgun from about a mile away to all sorts of other daft scenes & stupid plotting that just destroys any scares or suspense or tension the makers were trying to achieve. The CGI computer effects are not the worst I have seen in a SyFy Channel film but they are not far behind, they are adequate at best & lousy at worst. There's no blood or gore apart from a couple of exploding boil's on people's skin, none of the annoying character's get deservedly gruesome death's & the who film is very tame & forgettable. There's no sense of scale or destruction or panic here, New Orlean's as a city seems completely uninterested in the fact that it is being overrun by giant fire breathing Spider's.

Filmed in Louisiana the production values are rock bottom, Arachnoquake looks cheap because it was cheap. The acting is bad, the likes of Edward Furlong, Tracey Gold & Ethan Phillips obviously can't get any other work although Olivia Hardt is pretty to look at I suppose. I think those involved knew Arachnoquake was going to be rubbish & treated it accordingly.

Arachnoquake is rubbish, there really is no other way to describe it. It's not even good for a few laughs, I really do have to stop watching these SyFy Channel films. I would feel better for it. I think I would. OK, I know I would. Would I? Bugger it, I'll be there watching the next time a cheap nothing budget creature feature airs like always. One day one of them will be good, right?
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3/10
Good for a SyFy Movie
butterflywars23 June 2012
Arachnoquake is good for a SyFy movie but that's not saying much. The acting is atrocious by all and Edward Furlong was probably the worst, the storyline is nonexistent, and the spiders look like they were designed and created by a 6 year old.

It receives 3 stars because a couple of lines and moments gave me a good laugh (I don't know if it was intended or not) and the sister was super sexy so she gave me something to look at when the other actors were spewing out one garbage line after another.

After saying all that, Arachnoquake is still one of the better SyFy movies I've seen recently which is saying something for how awful these movies can be.
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1/10
Tracey Gold is decent, the rest of the movie is an intelligence-insulting mess
TheLittleSongbird24 June 2012
I do not mind low-budget movies at all, in fact some are entertaining. However I do dislike it when a movie comes across as so cheap and literally brainless that you are annoyed by it. Sadly that was the case with Arachnoquake. It is not SyFy's worst, not by a long shot, but it is really not one of their more tolerable ones either. There is one redeeming quality however, and that is the decent, if not great, performance of Tracey Gold. The remaining actors give the impression that they don't want to be there and don't show much if any chemistry with one another. That is especially true of Edward Furlong who spends his screen time looking stiff and bored, and with his shockingly bloated appearance time has not been kind to him. In all fairness though, they are not helped by the characters they play. I don't mind if a character is clichéd, as long as they are well-written. That wasn't the case with Arachnoquake, every single character here is shallow and made to do stupid things that makes you annoyed with them fast. The only exception is the Superman imitation, which was actually quite fun, but little moments like this are like sprinkles of fun in a vast sea of truly horrible. Nor are the actors helped by the script, which even for SyFy is so cheesy that it becomes too much and in the end doesn't give them much to do, or the story, which is very thin, unsurprising and lacking in any kind of atmosphere. The film even manages to look cheap, with the editing very hackneyed and the spider effects crude and artificial in look. The spiders are lacking in any kind of presence, let alone menace, that if you want to be scared, enthralled or even have your phobia of spiders cured then you may want to look elsewhere, as Arachnoquake manages to do neither. All in all, very poor, cheap, intelligence-insulting and badly written and acted. 1/10 for Gold and the Superman imitation. Bethany Cox
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3/10
pffffffffffffffffffffff at least its short
kevinmcdonagh22 June 2015
So, OK I've watched about a dozen of these Sy Fy, Asylum, low rent films in recent weeks because (well I hate myself) and it wasn't until I came to this one that I realised what is wrong with most of these films.

OK yes the effects are bad and the acting can be hit and miss, some of that comes down to the script. But what the main crime seems to be is that they're boring.

A film about giant fire breathing water walking flesh eating spiders who emerge from a crack in the earth caused by an earthquake shouldn't really be dull. It should at least be energetic enough that plot and reality don't matter.

What happens though is, as these films are made for TV they are made and written in 9-13 sections. They are disjointed because each section has to have something to keep the audience coming back, so an attack or bit of flesh every 10 minutes or so.

As a result the films are badly paced and the characters don't develop naturally, meaning you get massive contrast in attitude and pace because they're filling time until the next Ad break.

Id go a step further and suggest that the films aren't even written in one go, the 4 or 5 big scenes (the opening, first attack, heroes attack, finale etc) are written first in a way that 'works' and the rest is filled in, so you end up with often long dull exposition scenes explaining why the action that they need to happen next is about to happen.

You end up with lots of scenes of people driving saying "hey it must be because A,B and C so there fore we must now go and do X, Y and Z).. and then that happens.

There's nothing wrong with building your film to fit the broadcast format, in fact its sometimes better to factor in Advert when editing a TV movie like so many TV dramas do, but the problem is that filling in between the breaks has to be worth it, not just a semi cliff hanger.

Now I know I haven't mentioned the film specifically in this review very much and the reason is, it's THAT forgettable. I watched so many of these recently that they blend into one... I think the kid from Terminator was in this or maybe Malcom McDowell as he'll do anything... but other than that it was forgettable.... oh and throw in a hot blond in denim shorts Boring, forgettable and ignorable... they should start calling these films Slow Budget Movies
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3/10
bad CGI
trashgang26 February 2013
Another entry in the trash of SyFy flicks. I only gave it a shot because Edward Furlong was in it, you know, the young dude from Terminator 2 (1991). From the beginning the spiders are on-screen and that was rather okay because the action came in from the beginning. But on the other hand it looked ridiculous due the CGI used.

In the beginning the spiders are rather small and believable but once they are throwing fire (CGI) towards humans it becomes laughable. After that the spiders become bigger and bigger and it all ends with a King Kong situation.

The story if there was any was stupid and the acting wasn't convincing at all. If you pop up a beer with friends then you will laugh a lot but further this doesn't give us anything at all.

Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5
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1/10
Terrible
gomsey9022 September 2012
The fact that this movie even made it on SyFy, lowers the credibility of the entire network. I look at SyFy as a channel that plays the worst low budget films in the world.

This one is truly the worst, seeing as how they almost never shoot the guns or even try to when the spiders come up to them. And is the only way for people to die by tripping over a branch? The old bald man that apparently was injured, actually tripped on a tree branch.. Get over it.

Pathetic movie. Low budget films can clearly convey a message with decent graphics and actions, such as that Islamist film that created a huge buzz in the middle east. But this piece of crap only gets the honor to be shown on Syfy.
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1/10
A hurried, jumbled mess
jonathan_k8015 May 2014
After surviving a viewing of this, my impression is that this is one of those movies that was filmed simultaneously as the script was still being written - you know, "Okay, we're done with Scene 10... hurry up and finish writing scene 11... we begin shooting it tomorrow." This explains why characters seem to drop into the story with no explanation or background, like when the National Guard just happens to be on the scene of a spider attack... did somebody call them or were they just driving through the area at the time?

There are too many "conveniences" in the plot. Tracey Gold's character just happens to be an expert on arachnology, the Guardsman's daughter just happens to be aboard the bus they are trying to rescue. Add to this the hammed-up acting and what you get is a cast of cardboard characters you have no empathy for.

And what is it with that background music? The generic "scenes of peril" film score runs at full volume throughout the majority of the movie!

Since the IMDb ratings system only allows whole numbers, I give this a "1." If it were possible I would award it an extra half point for (unintentional) comedic value for the scene of the final showdown with the giant cheap-CGI spider.

In short, this is another movie I highly recommend...

...that you avoid.
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6/10
Not bad for Syfy channel
SanteeFats24 June 2012
This is actually not bad for the Syfy channel. If you put aside the fact that these spiders come from an earthquake and have been buried under the earth for who knows how long, I guess mutating, plus that they can breath fire, well it is entertaining. I have always liked Tracy Gold and she appears to have aged pretty well, especially considering her past problems. More power to her!!!!! Some of the scenery,(the pretty girls), is very nice and I know that sounds sexist but I am an old guy who likes pretty women. Of course there is the machismo from the men but hey what can you expect from a B movie?? I have never seen spiders that are so white but again this is Syfy.
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5/10
This is so bad that it makes it good!
richieandsam7 June 2013
ARACHNOQUAKE

Yes... it is as bad as it sounds.

This film is brilliant for comedy value. It is a B-movie with b-movie acting and b-movie effects.

The film is about a lot of giant fire breathing spiders running wild killing people.

The story is terrible. Nothing really makes any sense. Nothing is explained.

The acting is so bad in this film, it is no wonder I have not heard of most of the cast... but there is one famous face in this. Edward Furlong... oh dear. His career has gone downhill. The thing is, he is a good actor. I obviously loved him in Terminator 2, and he also made a fantastic movie called Brainscan... But I don't know what he was thinking when he agreed to be in this. His acting is as bad as everyone elses!

Also, in this movie his character is married with 2 children... his wife looks old enough to be him Mum and his 2 kids look old. I mean, it looks like he had these 2 kids when he was 8 years old! I can't help but think that casting was not very good.

There was some brilliant comedy moments in this. If you like movies that doesn't really take itself too seriously, then you will love this.

I really enjoyed it, but only because it had me laughing at it from beginning to end.

I will give this film 5 out of 10.

But it only gets that rating because I have not laughed that much for a long time.

For more reviews, please like my Facebook page:

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5/10
Pretty bad but kudos for casting unusual characters
bchoward12324 June 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I love watching monster/sci-fi movies. I have to give the producers of "ArachnoQuake" credit for casting most of the roles with non-traditional, non-"beautiful people" actors. Some of the male actors looked so similar, though, I was confused as to who was who. And it was a little weird to have a brother/sister relationship that might have been more interesting as a romantic relationship. Spoiler Alert: The viewer was left not knowing if the teacher with asthma died or not. They were right at a drug store. Why didn't they get her a new inhaler?!? At first, I definitely had the sense that she had died. But then she was dragged to an ambulance. Afterwards I thought I heard her daughter telling her father that she had died, but her husband/the father had no reaction! He was very concerned about her in earlier scenes, so his non-reaction made no sense. Overall, it was pretty bad. But I will keep watching these TV movies because sometimes they are very entertaining.
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1/10
A movie so bad I actually registered to leave a review
Tania BOSCH10 November 2015
Much like a 10 car pile up on the highway - I felt compelled to watch this movie to the very end... I feel terrible for all the people who actually watched the whole movie. When I arrived home and it was on and then I saw Edward Furlong so I thought I'd give it a chance. I have absolutely no problem with low budget productions - I get that sometimes the funding for someone's dream or vision just isn't available. The acting, storyline and the 'CGI' was so bad that I actually took the time to register on IMDb to leave a review. What pleases me about watching this movie is that I'm now registered on IMDb and can leave reviews for movies truly worth my time. The end.
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2/10
The Big Easy is attacked by giant spiders.
Michael O'Keefe7 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Awesome, but a bit strange title; definitely not an awesome movie. An earthquake strikes New Orleans and from the cracks in the earth jump giant white spiders that can spit fire and cause a world of hurt given the chance to bite or sting. They contain enough "gas", they explode when shot. So here we have tourists trying to run away from, when not fighting back, squashing the menacing spiders. These CGI spiders hop and jump about and rack up a body count at a good clip. You can say there is plenty of action. As far as acting...at a minimum and horrible. There is humor attempted and it is as painful as the spiders. A very small budget was applied to this project filmed mostly in Baton Rouge, not New Orleans. SyFy channel once again passes off schlock as horror. Some familiar faces show up for this one, including Tracy Gold, Grant James, Ethan Phillips and Edward Furlong, who absolutely gives the most hideous performance in an awkward role. Along for the ride are: Megan Annabel, Bug Hall, Tiara Ashleigh and Earl Maddox. To be fair, this movie is a time filler.
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3/10
Looking for firebreathing subterranean spiders? Well, look no further...
Paul Magne Haakonsen25 June 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Unfortunately the market for monstrous spider movies is flooded with less than average movies, and only a handful of the movies of this genre actually managed to pull it off decently. "Arachnoquake" is in the lower scale of the genre, that, of course, being not-so-good end, as you might have guessed.

The movie is a SyFy Channel movie, which pretty much sets the bar for expectations. But "Arachnoquake" does deliver what has become the trademark quality of SyFy Channel; that being cheesy effects, campy storyline and mindless entertainment that will actually have you laughing or smiling in disbelief.

An earthquake strikes New Orleans, causing cracks in the ground to open up. But as if earthquakes in this region wasn't strange enough, then the cracks in the ground opened up to subterranean spiders who emerge to prey on the people of New Orleans. These subterranean spiders that no one ever have seen or heard of range in the size from a human fist to actually larger than a school bus. The bayou is in dire threat now from the lurkers of beneath.

That being the storyline, well it is pretty much straight forward textbook approach; natural disaster awakens slumbering beasts, beasts emerge to prey on humans in the area, humans are terrified but manage to fight back (and win, of course) against these unnatural predators. It is as in every other spider movie available. And of course you have the fairly stereotypical character gallery in "Arachnoquake" as well.

As for the acting in "Arachnoquake", well it was actually good enough. Sure, don't expect award-winning performances here, but in overall, then I think the actors and actresses actually did well enough, as what I had expected from it, being a SyFy Channel movie and all.

The effects, well of that I am somewhat swaying in my opinions. Because in some scenes the spiders actually looked nice enough, despite their pinkish-white color, but then in other scenes it just went to awful CGI effects. But if you are familiar with SyFy Channels previous work (well most of it anyway) then you know what level of effects you are in for in this movie.

The movie give the expression that this spider infestation happened all over New Orleans, but the movie didn't manage to pull that off. The movie never managed to make it seem like the entire city was in dire peril, or that the citizens were terrified. And when the spider queen was killed, all other spiders just died as well. Wait, what? So they died in sympathy? Never heard about that before, so you kill the queen, and automatically all spiders in the nest drop over dead from sorrow or shock? That was just hilarious.

One thing that made me crack out laughing was when the spiders started breathing fire. So monstrously large subterranean spiders wasn't enough? No, apparently some writer somewhere thought 'oh yeah, it would be so much better if the spiders breathe fire as well'. Right. Well that just made the movie even more cheesy than it already was.

I think that Ethan Phillips character Roy's death scene was hilarious. I am not spoiling it more by saying how he dies (having said he died is spoiling it enough), but pay attention to the billowing steamy breath from his mouth, showing that he is obviously still alive and breathing, when he just have died. Hooray for the weather there, eh? How could the people behind the camera or the fellow actors around that not see it and point it out? Or did the movie maker just go 'and that's a wrap, no one will notice his steamy breath anyway'? It always makes me curl up my toes in disbelief when there are mistakes like this in movies.

But entertainment wise, then "Arachnoquake" is actually fun to watch. Why? Well because it is just that cheesy and campy, and because you know exactly how the movie will turn out, even before the first scene starts rolling. But unfortunately, this wasn't one of SyFy Channels better movies, nor did it manage to carve itself out from some of the more outstanding spider movies of the same genre, and thus it just becomes a less than mediocre experience.
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1/10
Arachno-don't waste your time on this film-phobia
one-nine-eighty7 August 2017
Warning: Spoilers
An earthquake opens up a chasm in New Orleans which unleashes dangerous mutated spiders.

The scariest thing about this film is the fact that you are, or you are going to watch this steaming pile of cack. This is one of the super low budget, no script, over the top CGI kind of film that the Sy-Fy channel is famous for, but after watching a lot of those kind of films I can confidently say this is one of the dumbest and worst I have seen. The biggest star in this is Edward Furlong, yes John Connor from "Terminator 2". It's nice to see he's done a lot with his life and the success of his terminator appearance...oh wait, no he hasn't! He hasn't had any acting lessons to improve himself (if he has they weren't worth it!) and by the look of him he's just sat around eating chips/crisps and drinking beer. Although saying that he still looks fairly young so maybe he uses good moisturizer. This is a fact which actually causes a problem in the film as he son looks just a few years younger than he does and therefor the family dynamic is unbelievable. FTR,Sarah Connor would be royally peed off with his terrible bus driving and inability to escape a pursuing foe! All of the acting is dumb and dire. The most emotive I got was hoping that somebody might just kill those annoying women on the boat and bus with their terrible over acting, emotionless crying and whining.

The best thing about this film, it's not on too long! OK, maybe the tongue in cheek sound effect used when one of the spider gets hit for a home-run by a baseball bat was the amusing... but the rest is not.

The pink CGI spiders are just awful, I expected they would look bad but they are a level of awful which becomes laughable. They can swim, they fly, they breathe fire, they have sonar, they have sensitive hearing, they are missile proof and bulletproof, they can do all the usual spider things too like making webs.... but they have no brains....yet still manage to show more intelligence than the idiots being portrayed on screen. The scale of the CGI spiders seems to vary too, in one shot they may appear small and then the very next shot shows that they are massive, casing point, check the queen spider out at the end.

You will have seen better films in your life, better films with a lot less money spent on them, with a cast that you've never heard of... I'd go as far as saying your son/daughter/nephew/niece could probably come up with something better and more plausible using smartphone camera. I have awarded this 1 out of 10 but that's actually pushing it, I'd have given this 0.25 out of 10 if it had of been possible. I am no stranger to low budget rubbish and this is worse than a lot of the films I've subjected myself too.
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2/10
Arachnoquake
Jackson Booth-Millard17 September 2016
Warning: Spoilers
I read an article once, a study showed apparently people who like to watch bad movies, on purpose, are highly intelligent, so this was good news for me, a year before Sharknado there came this natural phenomenon mixed with a creature people have a fear of, but I could guess what the result would be. Basically an oil company in New Orleans have been fracking for years, and one day this causes an earthquake to occur, and from the crevices the seismic activity has awoken a species of giant fire-breathing, carnivorous spiders from hibernation, they have evolved from deep underground. When a victim is bitten by one of these spiders, they are given a series of horrific number of large blisters, and eventually they burst open to release a new batch of infant spiders ready to attack. Slacker bus drivers Paul (American Pie Presents The Book of Love's Bug Hall) and Charlie (Terminator 2: Judgement Day's Edward Furlong) are two of the many hundreds of people in danger from these monstrous spiders, they must make it to the swamps of Louisiana, but they find out that the creatures can run on water as well. After many nasty deaths and confrontations with the spiders, the surviving characters realise that all of them will die if the queen spider is killed, so a plan is made to find and attack her, in the end the plan is successful, and all spiders can be squashed, destroyed or simply blow into mush. Also starring Tracey Gold as Katelynn, Star Trek: Voyager's Ethan Phillips as Roy, Epic Movie's Olivia Hardt as Petra, Lucky Johnson as Glen, Megan Adelle as Annabel, Grant James as Gramps and Dane Rhodes as Jean Jacques. Most of the actors look like they are trying to take it seriously, but you can tell Furlong has had the curse of the child star, the story is simple, a bunch of nasty large arachnids with evolved abilities attacking everyone, the special effects to create them and the destruction is mostly awful, I will admit I did squirm seeing large pussy lumps on characters bursting and releasing the spiders, but I was not impressed by the stupid script or overall ridiculous, a terrible science-fiction thriller film. Pretty poor!
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3/10
Fails as both disaster and monster movie
Leofwine_draca24 October 2015
I guess the SyFy Channel thought they were on to something when they decided to make ARACHNOQUAKE, a combination of two of their preferred genres - the monster movie and the disaster flick. It's a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of movie, in which various characters are menaced by prehistoric underground spiders released thanks to some earthquake action. Oh, and said spiders can breathe fire...

Yep, it's as silly as it sounds, and the execution couldn't be cheesier. There are CGI spiders running galore and none of them are remotely convincing. Sadly, ARACHOQUAKE also fails to be fun for the most part. It tries and fails to incorporate influences from the Grindhouse-style opening to events and stylistics copied from PIRANHA 3D, but it just can't catch a break. The humour's dumb and the characters dumber, and you end up just waiting for things to finish.

There are a few past-it actors who've been rounded up to appear here, including TERMINATOR 2's Edward Furlong. Now, I know Furlong has aged quite badly over the years, but to be cast as the father of a teenage girl and husband of a 40-something wife is just ridiculous. None of the other cast members fare better, but you can hardly blame them when the characters are so thinly-drawn. Sadly, ARACHNOQUAKE is a film that fails as both a disaster AND a monster movie.
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9/10
Cheesy and enjoyable killer spider movie
GL8418 August 2015
When a series of earthquakes releases a violent breed of spider into New Orleans, a tourist group and several others band together to fight off the deadly creatures before they wreak havoc on the city.

This was a slightly silly and goofy Sci-Fi Channel creature feature that actually has some good points to make it worthwhile. One of the biggest aspects here comes from the frantic, continuous plot on display, with the spiders out and about quite early it makes for a lot of action to come from their encounters. Even though there's no deaths present, the attack on the tour bus is a lot of fun with their first appearance driving this one along a nice scene and makes the most of it with several rather big action scenes followed off this one including a fantastic scene in a convenience store and a rather suspenseful one later on in a stranded bus along a lonely highway that's quickly overrun by the creatures that's a lot of fun watching it slowly get covered with webbing. Other stand-outs include the numerous encounters and chases in the swamps around the city as there's plenty of gunfights with the creatures, a rather impressive autopsy sequence where we finally get a handle on the creatures and a chance to see that they have some nifty powers that add to the fun here, as well as getting some suspenseful moments throughout here. While the finale is far out-of-place in the film it has plenty of cheesy action here with the military encounters attempting to stop it and the final resolution to stopping it is pure cheesy fun. Aside from the action, there's also a lot to like with the spiders here being far more involved and given much more here than expected going into their backstory and society which not only gives them a logical reason for being here as well as having a nice bit of knowledge about the creatures. These here are enough to hold this off from the few small problems here, which start with the actions of the finale. It doesn't really have a lot of purpose being there other than to fill the cheese quotient even more, but that doesn't make it seem coherent in the narrative of the story. It comes from out of nowhere here and really just seems awkward at times in terms of what happens elsewhere in the rest of the movie and it feels a little underwhelming. As well, there's also the fact that this one features a really irritating ploy here with the family members continually getting to bag on the guy here for what is obviously out of his control for no reason here and this one feels too repetitious here in the later half of the by keeping up this lame storyline here. The ability of this one jumping to conclusions in blaming him for what's going on is such a stretch that it becomes laughable to assume that kind of action was the result of what he was being accused of and it goes deep enough into here that it does become a problem. Overall, this was a decent enough entry with some minor problems.

Rated R: Graphic Violence and Language.
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5/10
Along Came the Spiders
wes-connors8 July 2015
An uncommon earthquake strikes New Orleans and leaves some huge cracks in the earth. City officials must be on vacation, because these holes are unattended. Or, it's possible city workers have been attacked by a side effect of the earthquake, while arriving with their orange cones and yellow "caution" tape. These would be an increasing army of creepy, cartoon-like spiders. These creatures start out smaller than an egg, but they get bigger as the movie progresses. Fire seems to stop them dead in their tracks, but they also emit fire of their own. Very soon, the city of New Orleans is crawling with spiders. They must be stopped, before they suck the life out of everyone in the cast...

As far as cheap Syfy TV movies go, this one isn't too bad. Knowing how this sort of assignment works, director Griff Furst dispenses with mystery and suspense and goes for silliness and excitement. He earns opening points with an interesting usage of eggs and a truck's mirror. Young women in tight denim shorts are a recurring image. While not scientifically sound ("queen" spider?), the story uses a standard structure. Leading actor Bug Hall (as Paul) is attractive and athletic. He jumps around like a super-hero and "Bug" is a great name for a Syfy leading man. He also acts very convincing in the opening, as a still slightly buzzed young man leaving a "one night stand" sex pick-up...

While not billed first, Mr. Hall is definitely the star of "Arachnoquake". Two billed above Hall in the credits are Tracey Gold as an asthmatic zoology schoolteacher and Edward Furlong as a school bus driver. This must be because Ms. Gold and Mr. Furlong were considered bigger stars. Others in the cast have more fun. Arguably, Hall's main co-star is Olivia Hardt (as Petra). In the tight denim shorts contest, she comes in second. This story should have been improved by combining the two buses into one group. Everyone could have fit quite comfortably in Hall's tour bus. Also, it's strange that nobody in the crew knew much about spiders. Granted, they don't breathe fire, either.

***** Arachnoquake (2012-06-23) G.E. Furst ~ Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong
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5/10
Well at least It's not Eight-Legged Freaks bad
movieman_kev1 August 2012
An earthquake unleashes giant spiders upon New Orleans. Giant fire-breathing spiders. Yup must be time once again for another SyFy original movie. And what would one of these be without some old TV and movie stars (here we get Tracey Gold from Growing Pains, Ethan Phillips from Benson, and Edward Furlong fitting the bill)

As far as SyFy films go, this one isn't half-bad. I enjoyed it to an extant because of its utter ridiculousness. The acting wasn't too grating (besides one scene where a few annoying characters would not stop sobbing) And it passes the same question I've asked myself from 2002 onward of giant spider movies which is " Is it worse than Eight-Legged Freaks?" and the answer is no it isn't, but I haven't found a giant spider film that is yet.
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